Discrimination. It’s out there. In all forms. Whether it’s discrimination due to race, gender, height, social standing, etc. it exists. The discrimination I’m writing about is discrimination against fat people. You know it’s the widest accepted form of discrimination in the world. Fat jokes are rampant and everyone has one, heard one, told one, etc. I’m guilty of it myself. I’ve told many fat jokes in my day. It doesn’t make it any better or give me a pass since I am fat. The reason I’m bringing this up is this…the other night I was at the grocery store late at night picking up sausage biscuits and toaster strudel for my grandmother’s breakfast the next morning. (that lady does NOT eat right.) It’s late enough that the store crew is there stocking shelves. Everything is pulled out in the aisles and you’re trying to dodge them while making your way to your designated areas. Anyway, there is a group of guys working at the end of one of the aisles and I dread walking through them. Yes I’ve lost a bunch of weight, but I’m still overweight. I muster courage I don’t really have and walk with my head high through the group. I’m always polite and say excuse me, smile, all that good stuff. I walk through them and one of them says, “Man that’s one big mama right there.” And they all laugh or make comments. I am immediately on the defensive and turn around and glare at them. Dicks. In the flash of a comment I immediately felt less than. I allowed these jerks to make me feel like I’m just a walrus walking through the store. It’s not the first time nor will it probably be the last that someone makes a comment like that regarding my weight. They don’t know how much hard work I’ve put in these past 8 months to lose the weight I have or what I’ve changed in my life to get to where I am or continue to where I want to be. All they see is someone who is overweight. Someone they can make a comment about and get a laugh. They don’t see someone’s daughter, sister, Aunt, friend. A person. Someone with feelings that can hear what they said. They just saw the weight I’m carrying. I know at 40 I shouldn’t let stuff like that bother me. But it still does. It still hurts my feelings. Eventhough I know the work I’ve done to get rid of this weight, I can let some dumb comment make me feel like I haven’t done anything, or enough. Growing up, I was teased like you wouldn’t believe. (or maybe you would.) Not only was I teased for being oveweight, I’m also tall. You name it, I’ve probably heard it. All throughout school and clear into high school I was made fun of for being fat. As an adult I still get made fun of and I think mean kids just grow up to be mean adults. I guess the point to this post is this…be mindful the next time you laugh at a comment, make a comment, etc of the person that you are talking about. You might not know them but they are someone’s loved one and they have feelings just like you. I’ll try and remember that as well. :)
Discouraged. I went shopping yesterday. To a store that I haven’t been able to shop at in I don’t know how many years. I was sent a gift card by an anonymous friend. I have a decent idea of who sent it, but that’s not really the point. The point is, I have money to spend and the coupon that came with the card expired yesterday so I had to use it. I had high hopes of finding something cute to wear on this shrinking body of mine. The longer I was in the store though, the more discouraged I became. I pick out size 28 in a couple pants and shirts. I said to my mom and sister that I’m sure none of this stuff is going to fit. They were great cheerleaders and said I might be surprised. I make my way to the fitting room and wouldn’t you know it, I could get the clothes on. They all looked better on the hanger than on me, but I could get them on and I was surprised. The shirts were too short and my stomach peeked out below. One of the pants I couldn’t button and my calves made the other pair look weird. That’s where my discouraged thinking came into play. I lost sight of the fact that I could actually walk in to that store and try on their clothes. What I soon saw was that I’m still too fat to be shopping there. This doesn’t look right, this short is too clingy, whatever. It brought me down. Quicker than I would like to admit. Here I am, 100 lbs lighter, and I’m shopping at a plus size store that isn’t Margie’s Tent Barn and all I can think about is, I’m too fat blah, blah, blah. You know what? I may not have been able to purchase those clothes yesterday, but I will soon enough and they are going to look smashing. That’s what I need to remember when things like that happen. I did however purchase 3 new bras and 3 pairs of panties. So THANK YOU to my secret friend(s). I couldn’t have done that without you. You were a big help.
Determination. I am so determined to get this weight off. I have goals to meet. The first one being my driver’s license weight by August 1st. I weighed in this morning at 395 so that means I have 6 lbs to lose this week…by Friday. Ha! I might not make it, but that’s what I’ll have in mind when all I can think about is a bacon cheeseburger and chocolate cake. (what’s that about anyway?!?!?!) I have 195 lbs to lose to make it to my overall goal of weighing 200. Ideally, according to my doctor, for my height I should weigh 180. I’ll think about that when I make it to 200. I am determined to succeed and reach my goals. Despite the comments I hear from people or the comments I hear from myself. Part of me definitely wants to lose all this weight just to show them up. More importantly, I want to lose all this weight to show myself that I can. To live the life I’ve always wanted. To not have weight be the first thought and every thought. That right there will make me the lightest girl in the world.
No matter where you are in your journey, if you’re even on one, don’t give up, don’t let negative comments get to you, and always know you are of value. :)