How it all started…

This blog is a story of how I make my way on this journey of losing weight and finding God. For me it goes together. A little something about me – At this time last year I weighed over 500 pounds. I don’t know how far over, but does that really matter? All I know is that I weighed more than the doctor’s scale and it’s max was 500. I was on a downward spiral of overeating that would probably have lead to me eating myself into an early grave. I’ve dieted before and have even had gastric banding surgery. Last March I was diagnosed Type 2 Diabetic. I was dashed. I had been told by my doctor that if I didn’t lose weight I could become diabetic. I didn’t really think it could happen and there I was, getting that phone call saying what he said would happen. So I started eating a little better and with that, started losing a little weight. My next visit showed I was 498, and then in Septemeber I was 492. Not great numbers but considering where I started, it was good for me. October 2013 is when my life changed for the better. Better isn’t even the right word to use. Amazing, maginificent, glorious…take your pick. When I started this miraculous journey I started writing about it. What follows is what I wrote back then to document everything.

 

How I came about picking a name for this blog…well Lauren did, but I love it. And since my name is Sara, the spelling was changed. Finding myself and the life I was meant to live.

ser·en·dip·i·ty
ˌserənˈdipitē/
noun
noun: serendipity; plural noun: serendipities
  1. 1.
    the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
    “a fortunate stroke of serendipity”

 

409

That’s what I weigh right now. 409lbs. That’s horrifying. Why is it? Because in September I weighed in at 388. That’s a 21 pound weight GAIN in two months. Do you know how much work has to go in to losing 21 pounds because I do. Do you know how quickly you can gain that lost weight back? I do. You have shitty things happen in your life and you lose focus. My Nana passed away on November 8th and I comforted myself for a week (or more) with funeral food, casseroles, sweets, boneless wings, sliced sausages, etc. You name it, if it was at the house, I ate it. It didn’t even have to be at home – eating anywhere, I was not eating ‘right’.  Honestly, I can’t even ‘blame’ the weight gain on the funeral food. I wasn’t eating great before then and I had slacked off in a big way at the gym. I quit going in the mornings and wasn’t really committed in the afternoons. I’d like to say it’s because my trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas and isn’t in the gym pushing me. But he isn’t the one losing weight.  In reality – those are all excuses. It’s my own fault that I’ve gained 21 fucking pounds. I let my mental self interfere with my physical self. It’s stunning how easy it is to gain weight when it takes you so very long to lose it.

My trainer was in town this past week and I was talking to him Monday about how I know I’ve gained weight but I wasn’t panicked because I know I’ll lose it. Then I quietly stepped on the scale and was immediately horrified. I planned on not telling a soul because A. I didn’t want to see that look on their faces. You know the one that shows disappointment or their own horrified reaction. and B. because I was just ashamed of putting that much weight on in such a short amount of time. But you know what – if I am as honest as I have been about losing weight, I need to be just as honest in the tough times and gaining weight. So I told people. My sisters, Mom, co-workers, friends, and my trainer. I don’t want to disappoint these people, but more importantly, I don’t want to disappoint myself so I told them to keep myself accountable. Not so they can police my food (please don’t! That’s a good way to piss me off) but so if I’m offered something tasty and on my personal list of foods to avoid, they will know why. And possibly not offer those tasty delights. Ha! Losing weight is a struggle. It is not easy. If it was, there wouldn’t be an obesity epidemic. The weight loss industry wouldn’t rake in billions of dollars each year. I’ve learned that I cannot just work out and eat whatever. I cannot eat right and not work out. For me, I have to do both. Eat better and work out. There is no either/or. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done and I’m re-committed to eating the way I did before September. I’m back in the gym full time. Right now my goal is making it to the gym everyday. Once that’s back on track, I’ll go back to two a days. I’m back to eating what I’m supposed to…and whoa, right before Thanksgiving? Smart. Haha…Although I did have pizza last night for dinner. Poor planning and waiting until I was beyond hungry to eat something. I did have a salad with it, so that has to add a plus in my favor. Right? :)

I just want you all to know that it’s not all roses and sunshine when you’re losing weight. It’s not easy and there are pitfalls and downsides. But it’s the getting back up when you’ve fallen down that is important. Don’t stay down. Take a minute, breathe deep, and get your ass back on track. So tomorrow when the country is using Thanksgiving as an excuse to eat like it’s their job, I’ll have a taste of this and a taste of that, but I will spend more time out of the kitchen talking with family and friends than I will be with filling my plate. Isn’t that the point of the holiday anyway? Being thankful for the people you have in your life? Not eating until you pass out in a food coma.

So, there it is party people. The not so pretty truth. Just remember – even though things happen and life gets in your way, don’t let it keep you there. Dust yourself off and get back to eating your chicken and veggies.

365 days.

365 days. One year of time. A lot can happen in that one year…those 365 days. For me, the past 365 days have been life changing. I’ve said it before, but October 21, 2013 is one of my all time favorite dates. It was the first day of my very first workout. I’ve written about it before, but I still vividly remember how absolutely scared I was walking into the gym that day. I really didn’t have a plan or a thought about how long I was going to do this or any expectations. I made it through that day and have made it through every day since then. Some days have been filled with tears of frustration, while others have held tears of joy and excitement. It’s been an interesting journey thus far. I’ve learned that I love working out. I never in my life thought my name would ever been associated with fitness. Now, I do it everyday. (well except Sunday) It’s become a part of my life and a year ago I couldn’t imagine doing it, now I can’t imagine not doing it. This past month or so has been tough because I let doubt creep in and old thoughts/habits. I was losing the battle or actually thought about giving up because I wasn’t worth all the sacrifice and hard work. I know I am worthy. It’s a day to day process. Sometimes hour by hour. I’m undoing  a lifetime of bad decisions and poor planning. I didn’t think on October 21, 2013 that on today, exactly one year later, I would be 112lbs lighter. Yes, I still have a road ahead of me, but I know today that I will accomplish those goals. I have 180lbs to go and I know with continued hard work, I am going to reach that goal.

So what’s happened in a year’s time? I’ve made some amazing friends, learned how strong I am (mentally & physically), cried more than I thought possible, continued to laugh through some of those tears, realized fears and tried to put them to rest. I’ve discovered that even though I’m not perfect (shocker!) I have the grace of God and no matter what, that will never change. I’ve lost and gained, and lost again. This is a life change. I hope to help others who have a weight problem and help them realize how wonderful they are despite carrying some extra pounds.

Jake said yesterday “weight is not an issue.” It doesn’t look like much when I type it out, but it was like a cannon going off in my mind. It isn’t an issue. I make it one by allowing it to limit what I do and don’t do. Yes I have extra weight but that’s not who I am. I saw a quote the other day. It said “You are not fat. You have fat. You have fingernails, you are not fingernails.” There is a difference. For so long I’ve always identified as being fat. ‘The fat one’, the ‘quiet’ one…I’m finally realizing that’s not who I am. It’s just something that I have. It’s taken a year for that to finally sink in, but it’s registering.

It’s definitely been quite a year. Thanks to my awesome cheerleaders, family, and friends. Thanks for reading my many posts about losing weight and continually encouraging me along the way. Your support is so appreciated.

Thanks to Jake for taking that chance on me a year ago. He gave me an opportunity to change my life and is always teaching me to value myself. He and Nicole have become family and I just can’t thank them enough for the difference they have made in my life.

I’m excited to see what the next 365 days hold.

Choices.

Hey there! Long time, no write. I got side tracked. I lost focus. Almost gave up. I almost chose to quit the gym this week. Thankfully I have some determined cheerleaders in my corner that talked me from the ledge. I’ve felt lost lately, just kind of like not really knowing why I’m doing this or rather, not feeling like I’m worth doing this. Not worthy of all the hard work and dedication. It’s definitely easier to give up. To give in. To say, to hell with all this…I’m going to eat what I want and just stay overweight forever. I was choosing to take the easy path. I was choosing to not believe in myself. I’ve felt like a fraud for a few weeks too. Everyone around me is going on about how great I look and how my new clothes make it to where you can really tell I’ve lost weight. I smile and say thanks but I felt like a fraud. Like I wasn’t worthy of their compliments. Why is that? I should smile and feel amazing. My hard work is paying off. People are taking notice. I guess I didn’t feel worthy because I knew I was giving up. I knew that eventually they would see I was eating a little more here and there or if not eating more, I was eating the ‘wrong things’. They would eventually see I started wearing my bigger clothes again instead of my slimmer, prettier clothes. I haven’t totally gone back to the way I was almost 12 months ago, but I definitely recognized I was headed to that path. Part of it is I don’t feel like I have any accountability. My trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas to be with his wife while she fought for her life and the life of their (then) unborn daughter. (Thankfully she is here and thriving! His wife is doing so much better too! God is great.) So my someone to answer to wasn’t around and I guess it was one of those, while the cat’s away, the mice will play kind of thing? I’ve slacked off in a major way and that’s not okay with me. I’m mad at myself and more than a little worried. Logically I know I have only myself to answer to and I’m doing this for myself, but I haven’t trusted myself to do what I need to do without having someone watching over me. I’ve let my past creep in and go back to old habits of eating when I’m upset/mad/worried…I’ve been frustrated in the gym and with life in general. I went on a couple job interviews and nothing came of it, I’m not where I want to be personally, and blah, blah, blah. I shared my fears/worries with a couple of people and I check in with one of them daily. I was asked some tough questions about why I felt unmotivated, not worthy, and what did I think God thought of me. Honestly I felt like God saw me as a failure because I was giving up (almost), and not valuing myself. I’ve just felt unworthy. I know it sounds silly, but feelings are pretty powerful.

So here I am back at 392lbs. I’m setting short term goals as well as long term goals. First off, I am going to get back to 388lbs. That’s my goal for this next week. My daily goal is to be in the gym back to my regular schedule. I am switching it up a little bit by going in earlier in the morning. I want to go to the 5:30 p.m. classes in the evenings but I’m worried if I don’t go right after work I’ll sit at home and think of reasons to not go that day. (there are always a million of those.) I think I have something in place that will work. I’m going to try it out Monday and see where I end up. My long term goal is to lose the rest of this weight. I have 180lbs to go. I’ve lost 112 so far and did it within a year, so as I push myself to continue, I know I will kick the rest of this weight to the curb. I really just need to stop letting this weight get in my way. Stop letting myself get in my way. I have some amazing friends/family, a host of cheerleaders, and people I’m not even aware of who are pulling for me. We will continue on this journey together. It’s hard, but I can do it.  I am choosing to love me and be the best me I can.

Eating is NOT an event.

I started this on 8/15/2014.

 

So I was chatting with my brother yesterday on the phone. Catching up and seeing how each of us are doing…it’s been a couple days or so. I was talking about working out. Naturally and what else is new? We were discussing eating fast food. I told him that on weeks when I have a good weigh in, I always think, I’m going to have a bacon cheeseburger today! On weeks when the scale isn’t my friend or it’s been a crappy week, i.e. last week, I think, screw it I’m going to eat _______ and not care. I think yesterday I mentioned Taco Bell. I’m going to have Taco Bell and instead I drive right by. I have every intention of eating whatever it is I’ve said, but 99% of the time I drive right by and head home. I actually cannot tell you the last time I ate Taco Bell. And it’s probably been at least a month since I’ve had a bacon cheeseburger. He said “I’m sure if you did eat that stuff it would make you sick.” I told him about the time a month or so ago how I just had to eat this pizza we had at home. Almost immediately I regretted eating it because I felt ill. I’ve never been a big fan of pizza anyway, but for some reason that day it sounded good. I was wrong. The thing I told him was that I have to rethink my thinking and not look at food as an event. It’s not meant to be special. It’s meant to keep you alive. Sure you have birthdays, anniversaries, date night, whatever where you go out to dinner, but I’m talking about everyday eating. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Food is meant to keep you alive. Eat enough to give you the energy and nutrients you need to live a healthy life. Eat to live not live to eat.

The sooner we take away the power from food, the better our lives will be. I went to an event on Friday that I feel was life changing. I’ll write about it and the weekend in a later post. There were things said about walking in faith and not feelings that really hit home to me. I’m definitely a feelings girl. Especially where food was concerned. Happy, sad, mad, depressed, whatever…food was there. Like I stated earlier,  In going on this journey I have really realized that I have to change my mindset where food is concerned in my life. I have to remove the power I have given it and completely rethink everything. It really is only meant to keep you going. It’s not supposed to be this special thing all the time. Listening to the people on Friday talk about their addictions and how they overcame them was eye opening. I won’t say I’m a food addict because then you are making that your identity. (Something I learned from Nicole.) I had an unhealthy relationship and now I’m making it healthy. Sure I might mess up from time to time. Guess what? I’m human and humans make mistakes all the time. Am I going to let it ruin what I have going for me? Nope. Am I going to let it derail me from the progress I have yet to make? No way. I’m not looking at food as the enemy anymore. It’s a substance to keep me going. Plain and simple. Yes I’ll have some good stuff when it’s time for a celebration, but if you think about it, the healthy food is the really good stuff. (okay, that and my mom’s cheesy potatoes. Ha!)

I hope if you have issues with food you overcome them. It’s my prayer for you. If you need help, ask me. I’ll be here for you. Trust me when I say I know it isn’t easy but you are so damn worth it. Don’t you deserve to life your best life? I know I do. :)

“Dear John” Letter.

Dear food,

I’m breaking up with you. I’d like to say it’s not you, it’s me, but that isn’t the case. I’ve been in a destructive relationship with you for as long as I can remember and I’m done. Over. I’ve listened to your lies for the last time. You have promises of making me feel better, this time it will be better, but we both know that’s crap. I’ve allowed you to disrupt my life for the last time. I thought there was a time when I could trust you and I was wrong. I think you meant well, but I can’t trust myself around you. You are toxic. Honestly, you aren’t 100% toxic, but you definitely have some friends that I cannot be around. You know who they are – Gravy, Bread, Chips, etc. I guess I can’t put all the blame on you. I have to take responsibility for my part in this abusive pattern. I put too much faith or hope in the fact that this time will be different. This time I won’t look to you to make me feel better. This time I can resist your ‘charm’. Most of the time I am successful but this past week, I failed. In epic proportions. I know we go way back to when I was younger. You’ve been my ‘friend’ my entire life. 40 years is a long time to be with something. If it’s good, more power to you. If it’s bad, 40 years is a life sentence without the possibility of parole. I have hidden myself behind you for so long, I don’t even recognize myself. However, I was given a life line about 9 months ago. I started to see myself outside of your shadow. I made friends with your healthy counterparts. Fresh Veggies, Chicken, Eggs, Water. We became fast friends and I really like them. They like me too. :) Somehow you always seem to try and wiggle your way back into my life. There are times when I can resist you like no one’s business. Other times, such as this week, I almost come running back. Is it because I’m not worth it? It has been a rough couple of weeks and instead of listening to your good friends, I jumped head first into the gravy boat. I know they say one unhealthy meal won’t make you fat just like one healthy meal won’t make you fit, but I found myself dipping into the toxic pool on more than one occassion this week. I know I’m better than to let you talk me into bad situations. I’m worth more than what your gravy has to offer. I want to live a better life and I can’t do that with you around.

So the next time you try and sneak into my life I’ll be ready. I’ll remember this week and how I gained 4 pounds hanging around with you. I’ll remember the goals I have for myself and turn my back when you flaunt crap in my face. I’ll remember the disappointment I feel today because I let myself be swayed by emotions instead of going in the other direction. I’m taking away any power I have given you in the past and I’m going to give that power to myself and know that I am worth all of the good that is going on in my life. I know I’m not a number on a scale and as hard as that is to believe that right this very minute, there are better days ahead. I’m going to conquer you and not believe the lies. I’m done listening to you. Instead I’m going to listen to God and what He says about me. I’m going to listen to my family and friends. More importantly I’m going to listen to myself and know that I am a person of extreme value and significance.

Good bye crappy food and bad decisions.

Yours truly,

Sara

Just Keep Swimming.

It’s been a tough week. Mentally. Ever since the other night when I let what those jerks said bother me, I’ve been struggling. It seems like there’s been one comment after another, either by someone else or by me, that I have let take up space. First it was the store, then the clothing store and trying on clothes, then this kid at Target. I was checking out the baby section and I heard this little boy chatting it up with his mom. I sometimes cringe when I hear kids at the store because I know what’s coming. They came around the corner and he said, “That lady is HUGE!” More than a few times. I, of course, pretend like I can’t hear him and his mother is immediately pulling him to the other aisle. I hear her tell him how you do not say that about people and how it can hurt their feelings. Way to go mom. :) It still doesn’t ease the fact that I wish the floor would have swallowed me up in that instant. I know he’s just a kid and kids always state the obvious, so why do I let it bother me? Why have I let everything bother me this week? I can usually do a good job of ignoring or not letting it get to me that much, but this week has been one big epic fail. I’ve let my confidence slip and while I haven’t come completely off the rails, I have thought on a couple of occassions that maybe I’m not worth it. Which is bullshit. Deep down I know all of this is worth it and one day there won’t be any outward appearance for people to comment on or maybe it will be something different. You know btg, before the gym, I would have made myself feel ‘better’ by eating my way through it. That’s how I got to be over 500lbs. Eating to feel better. That too is bullshit. Over eat, feel like crap, over eat some more. Vicious cycle. I haven’t made the best choices this week but it hasn’t been completely off track either. I had a possibly impossible goal of getting to 389 by August 1st. That’s tomorrow and when I weighed in this morning I was at 396. One pound down since last Friday. Bummer. I wonder if it’s self sabotage? Like eventhough I know this is the best thing for me, I still go back to thinking I don’t deserve the good things. I know it will get better. This week will end and I’ll move on from the negativity. I’ll get back on track and work out even harder. (this week has been lax in that dept too.) Maybe it’s just an off week. Whatever it is, I need to focus and just keep swimming.

3-D.

Discrimination. It’s out there. In all forms. Whether it’s discrimination due to race, gender, height, social standing, etc. it exists. The discrimination I’m writing about is discrimination against fat people. You know it’s the widest accepted form of discrimination in the world. Fat jokes are rampant and everyone has one, heard one, told one, etc. I’m guilty of it myself. I’ve told many fat jokes in my day. It doesn’t make it any better or give me a pass since I am fat. The reason I’m bringing this up is this…the other night I was at the grocery store late at night picking up sausage biscuits and toaster strudel for my grandmother’s breakfast the next morning. (that lady does NOT eat right.) It’s late enough that the store crew is there stocking shelves. Everything is pulled out in the aisles and you’re trying to dodge them while making your way to your designated areas. Anyway, there is a group of guys working at the end of one of the aisles and I dread walking through them. Yes I’ve lost a bunch of weight, but I’m still overweight. I muster courage I don’t really have and walk with my head high through the group. I’m always polite and say excuse me, smile, all that good stuff. I walk through them and one of them says, “Man that’s one big mama right there.” And they all laugh or make comments. I am immediately on the defensive and turn around and glare at them. Dicks. In the flash of a comment I immediately felt less than. I allowed these jerks to make me feel like I’m just a walrus walking through the store. It’s not the first time nor will it probably be the last that someone makes a comment like that regarding my weight. They don’t know how much hard work I’ve put in these past 8 months to lose the weight I have or what I’ve changed in my life to get to where I am or continue to where I want to be. All they see is someone who is overweight. Someone they can make a comment about and get a laugh. They don’t see someone’s daughter, sister, Aunt, friend. A person. Someone with feelings that can hear what they said. They just saw the weight I’m carrying. I know at 40 I shouldn’t let stuff like that bother me. But it still does. It still hurts my feelings. Eventhough I know the work I’ve done to get rid of this weight, I can let some dumb comment make me feel like I haven’t done anything, or enough. Growing up, I was teased like you wouldn’t believe. (or maybe you would.) Not only was I teased for being oveweight, I’m also tall. You name it, I’ve probably heard it. All throughout school and clear into high school I was made fun of for being fat. As an adult I still get made fun of and I think mean kids just grow up to be mean adults. I guess the point to this post is this…be mindful the next time you laugh at a comment, make a comment, etc of the person that you are talking about. You might not know them but they are someone’s loved one and they have feelings just like you. I’ll try and remember that as well. :)

Discouraged. I went shopping yesterday. To a store that I haven’t been able to shop at in I don’t know how many years. I was sent a gift card by an anonymous friend. I have a decent idea of who sent it, but that’s not really the point. The point is, I have money to spend and the coupon that came with the card expired yesterday so I had to use it. I had high hopes of finding something cute to wear on this shrinking body of mine. The longer I was in the store though, the more discouraged I became. I pick out size 28 in a couple pants and shirts. I said to my mom and sister that I’m sure none of this stuff is going to fit. They were great cheerleaders and said I might be surprised. I make my way to the fitting room and wouldn’t you know it, I could get the clothes on. They all looked better on the hanger than on me, but I could get them on and I was surprised. The shirts were too short and my stomach peeked out below. One of the pants I couldn’t button and my calves made the other pair look weird. That’s where my discouraged thinking came into play. I lost sight of the fact that I could actually walk in to that store and try on their clothes. What I soon saw was that I’m still too fat to be shopping there. This doesn’t look right, this short is too clingy, whatever. It brought me down. Quicker than I would like to admit. Here I am, 100 lbs lighter, and I’m shopping at a plus size store that isn’t Margie’s Tent Barn and all I can think about is, I’m too fat blah, blah, blah. You know what? I may not have been able to purchase those clothes yesterday, but I will soon enough and they are going to look smashing. That’s what I need to remember when things like that happen. I did however purchase 3 new bras and 3 pairs of panties. So THANK YOU to my secret friend(s). I couldn’t have done that without you. You were a big help.

Determination. I am so determined to get this weight off. I have goals to meet. The first one being my driver’s license weight by August 1st. I weighed in this morning at 395 so that means I have 6 lbs to lose this week…by Friday. Ha! I might not make it, but that’s what I’ll have in mind when all I can think about is a bacon cheeseburger and chocolate cake. (what’s that about anyway?!?!?!) I have 195 lbs to lose to make it to my overall goal of weighing 200. Ideally, according to my doctor, for my height I should weigh 180. I’ll think about that when I make it to 200. I am determined to succeed and reach my goals. Despite the comments I hear from people or the comments I hear from myself. Part of me definitely wants to lose all this weight just to show them up. More importantly, I want to lose all this weight to show myself that I can. To live the life I’ve always wanted. To not have weight be the first thought and every thought. That right there will make me the lightest girl in the world.

No matter where you are in your journey, if you’re even on one, don’t give up, don’t let negative comments get to you, and always know you are of value.  :)

Finally…a picture.

weight loss photo weight loss photo 2

 

 

Okay, so here is my first side by side comparison. The 2013 photo was taken for my audition to be on Extreme Makeover Weight loss edition. I weighed 500+ lbs and that’s actually what I looked like when I started at the gym in October. The second photo was taken this morning, 7/23/14 and I currently weigh 397 lbs. While I still have a lot of weight to lose to get to my overall goal, I can’t believe how far I’ve come in a short amount of time. I’ve been at the gym for 9 months now and I cannot wait to see how much my today picture is going to change in the next 9 months. In looking at last year’s photo, it makes me teary eyed because how could I have let myself get to that point? It makes me sad for the Sara of last year. But you can’t spend your time in the past. What’s done is done and all you can do is continue to move forward and make better choices. You deserve better. I deserve better.

 

Mental Case and a Week/end Wrap Up.

Happy Monday party people! Did you have a good weekend? I did. Scratch that. I had a great weekend. Curious what I did? Good, I’ll tell you all about it. Saturday I had the honor of babysitting B. She’s my 7 month old niece and man is she a honey! When I pick up my camera to take her picture she makes the funniest faces and gets her ‘pretty face’ ready. She is a hoot! Later that evening I again had the honor of going to a gender reveal party for Jake & Nicole. She’s pregnant with their little miracle baby and everyone found out at the same time that they are expecting a sweet baby girl. It was a great party! They already have a precious 5 yr old and to say she’s excited about having a sister is an understatement. It is so cute to witness how over the moon she really is for her little sister. Kids are great. Speaking of, I should have said at the beginning of the weekend my nieces came to stay for the weekend. Love those girls so much and it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve seen them. They are growing up so fast. It would be nice if time would slow down just a smidge. :)

Sunday was a phenominal day. It was the day for the church cookout and baptisms. When it was first mentioned a few weeks ago, I thought that it would be a great thing to get baptized. I know I was baptized when I was a child, but I don’t remember it and I think now that I’m older and learning more about God it would have a deeper meaning. Basically it means more now. But then I started thinking that I would be a fraud because I don’t know a lot about the bible. I thought I had to know x,y,&z about all of it before being baptized. So I put it out of my mind and thought one day I will. One day when I know more. Then I talked to Jake on Friday about my reservations and he pretty much squashed whatever they were and so I told him that I wanted to get baptized. Of course, me being me, I was super nervous from that moment on. But like it was pointed out to me on Saturday evening, everything that I have been super nervous about lately has turned into great things. True. Sunday morning came and goodness I was a bundle of nerves. Hands shaking, couldn’t hold onto a thought, felt like I was going to throw up, all of it. I even backed into Jake & Nicole’s car when we were all leaving for the lake. Thankfully no damage or injuries. Then once at the lake I pinched my finger in my camera bag clasp. Good grief! I needed to calm down. It was a pretty good turn out which on one hand is a good thing, on the other hand and personally, it didn’t do anything to calm my nerves. My nieces and Lauren were there and my brother William and nephew Brady came as well. That was a lovely surprise. Lauren said she was glad I was so nervous because it meant I was taking it seriously. Once it started I was calm. Well, okay. Once I was in the water and Jake started talking, I was calm. It really was such a cool experience and I will be forever thankful that I did it. I joked sometime during the week about how when you come up out of the water will there be rainbows and bright lights but there really is just this calm feeling. Could be that I was just relaxed that it was done, but I feel like it was more than it just being complete. It’s not really something I can explain, but the rest of the day was amazing. Great times with really good great friends. I really feel like I am making life long connections. That is truly amazing.

Now for the mental case. Losing weight. Yes it’s a physical process but I believe it’s 95% mental. You have to completely change the way you think about eating, how you see yourself, how you think or feel about exercising, etc. Once you’re at the gym, working out is easy. Well, not completely easy or you’re doing it wrong or not enough, but I mean once you’re there, the hardest part is accomplished. It’s the getting there that is hard. I haven’t really felt that in going to the gym, but it can apply to all sorts of places. Coming to work, going grocery shopping, doctor’s appts, etc. Once you get there, you’re on easy street. (again, I know there is work involved, but you get it right?) In the gym, you might as well work out. You got in your car, drove all that way, you can do anything for 30 seconds. At least. Get your mind in the right place and there is no stopping you on what you can do. It doesn’t have to do with just driving to a gym. It’s your mental state where food is concerned. I’ve had an issue with food for forever. Happy, sad, mad, etc food was there. When you’re losing weight you have to view it as a means to keep on living. Not something fun or as an event. It’s what keeps you alive. That’s it. Yes, you want to eat tasty stuff, but healthy can be pretty tasty. You’re eating to live, not living to eat. If and or when the scale isn’t your friend, don’t beat yourself up. It’s just a number and it’s not going to stay on that set of numbers forever. If you know you’ve had a good week and the numbers don’t reflect that, you might have built up muscle. Don’t get hung up on the number. (I’m talking to myself here too.) I’m hanging out at 402 right now. It’s driving me nuts because it seems like I’ve been here for a while. I have three pounds to lose until I’m in the 300’s. I thought for sure I would get there last week, but it didn’t happen. While I was bummed that it didn’t happen, I’m not beating myself up because I know it will happen. I’m not letting anything negative influence me where I might have before, like eating to feel better. That doesn’t work. Never does, never will. It’s going to happen this week. I just know it. I’m working on not being a mental case.

Great things are happening in my life and not just in the weigh loss department. I hope great things are happening for you. Don’t focus on the negative. Positive thoughts lead to positive action. You can do it. Whatever the ‘it’ is. Have a lovely day party people!

Week in review, jumping rope, and pink mist.

Happy Monday! Hope you all had a good weekend. I did. It was busy and that’s just the way I like it!  (although, there is something about when having  absolutely nothing to do.) I had a pretty good week last week. I started off at 410 and ended at 406. Down 4lbs. I took a progress photo at the gym on Saturday and that day I was at 405. I’ll take it. That means I am only 5lbs away from 100lb weight loss. I think I’ve already lost that much just because of where I started, but let’s just forget about that and go with the  ‘at the end of this week I’m shooting to be in the 300’s’. Woot, woot!!!

A couple of times last week I stayed after my regular workout and did the fat burning class. Whew! That is an intense workout, but I can definitely see where you would get results. The one Friday afternoon was 25 minutes straight without a rest in between exercises. Goodness. As exhausting as it was, I loved it. I actually like working out. Crazy I know. Especially coming from someone who never worked out. Ever. Sometimes I think, I wish I would have done this sooner, blah, blah, blah…but everything happens the way it is supposed to and maybe if I met Jake earlier, it might not have gone the way it is now. It doesn’t matter. I’m doing it and enjoying the entire process.

In one of the fat burning sessions, they had to balance their knees on a ball, do a push up, and then roll that ball into a knee tuck. I have no idea what it’s technically called but I just looked at it like a ball of “I’m not doing that.” The thinking behind it was that I was not going to embarrass myself in a room full of people if I should A. fall over B. not be able to do it or C. have the ball explode in a loud explosion because I’ve exceeded the weight limit. Jake changed it up to where I sit on it and do some kind of movement that looked like a laying down squat but my immediate question was “How much weight does that hold?” His normal answer is “I don’t know let’s try it out.” Most machines I’m willing. On a rubber ball, absolutely not. :) Fast forward to Friday afternoon and I’m in the gym completely alone. On this rare occasion I decide to try some of the exercises I am either to chicken to try in front of others or stuff I just want to see if I can actually do. I decided to start with jumping rope. There are a lot of times that’s one of the stations in the workout and this girl has too much belly fat, jiggly insert whatever body part you want here to jump rope. So anyway, I pick out three different ropes and decide I’ll just see if I can even do one. Holy smokes party people. I find out quickly that both feet are not leaving the ground together, at the same time. Not happening. So I resort to old school, elementary jump roping where you have one foot in front of the other. Good Grief! I manage to get it over my head and land one foot on the rope and thought I had snapped both wrists. They both jerked back that I was a little worried I did some real damage to my left wrist. The good one! The ropes were quickly put away. Now I’m eyeballing the giant rubber ball and think, Okay, now I’m going to try to see if I can do the exercise from the previous day. I’m still to chicken and if you know me, I’m a little tall and that’s a long way down. So I test out my weight on it by sitting on it. I am literally a jumble of nerves because all I can think about is that this damn ball is going to explode and all that is going to be there when Jake comes in is rubber bits on the wall and pink mist. Did you ever see the Grey’s Anatomy episode where the live bomb was imbedded in someone and the bomb squad said sometimes all that is left of a person in an explosion is pink mist? I would be the pink mist in this scenario. I was cracking up! I mean I know this is pretty thick rubber, but all I can really think is that my weight is going to be too much and it’s going to end up in tatters. Hahahaha…It definitely makes for comedy relief. Needless to say, I stopped trying to see what else I might be able to do and stuck with my buddy the Arc Trainer. At least I know that supports my weight and I’m not in danger of tearing it up.

You know you should have laughter when you work out. Maybe not always, but it can break up the sameness (is that a word?) of the exercise, give you a break, and it’s just plain fun. Everyone needs some fun in their life right? So the next time there is an exercise that you can’t quite do or are too nervous to try in front of others and you have some alone time, try it out. If nothing else, you’ll get a good laugh. :) Laughing at yourself is pretty therapeutic. Have a great week party people! Here’s to meeting your goal. I know I’m going to.