How it all started…

This blog is a story of how I make my way on this journey of losing weight and finding God. For me it goes together. A little something about me – At this time last year I weighed over 500 pounds. I don’t know how far over, but does that really matter? All I know is that I weighed more than the doctor’s scale and it’s max was 500. I was on a downward spiral of overeating that would probably have lead to me eating myself into an early grave. I’ve dieted before and have even had gastric banding surgery. Last March I was diagnosed Type 2 Diabetic. I was dashed. I had been told by my doctor that if I didn’t lose weight I could become diabetic. I didn’t really think it could happen and there I was, getting that phone call saying what he said would happen. So I started eating a little better and with that, started losing a little weight. My next visit showed I was 498, and then in Septemeber I was 492. Not great numbers but considering where I started, it was good for me. October 2013 is when my life changed for the better. Better isn’t even the right word to use. Amazing, maginificent, glorious…take your pick. When I started this miraculous journey I started writing about it. What follows is what I wrote back then to document everything.


How I came about picking a name for this blog…well Lauren did, but I love it. And since my name is Sara, the spelling was changed. Finding myself and the life I was meant to live.

noun: serendipity; plural noun: serendipities
  1. 1.
    the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.
    “a fortunate stroke of serendipity”



Back to the beginning.

Hey guys! It’s been a long time. Too long. I’ve been busy, but not really. (If that makes any sense at all.) I’ve been busy in the respect that while I’ve been away, I had a couple ankle surgeries and a knee surgery. The first ankle surgery was September 30, 2015. Whew. Was that something else. I ended up needing another surgery and that happened June 10, 2016. That was probably even more frustrating than the first time around because I had to be off of it for so much longer and actually – I am just now wearing shoes on that foot. To say it’s been a setback is probably an understatement. Setback in the way of working out and eating right. It starts with not wanting to be a burden to the people who are helping you out. Then that spirals to continue eating like shit even when you no longer require said help. Depression, from gaining weight back to the issues with my ankle, led to not doing anything. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, what have you about going in the complete opposite direction before surgery. I haven’t been able to workout because for the better part of a year and a half, I’ve been out of commission and wearing a boot and/or riding on a knee scooter. (I do NOT miss wrangling that thing around.) I am back to the beginning of when I first met my trainer in October 2013 or was it ’14? Either year, I have gained back the 100 pounds plus I lost and I’m just miserable. Honestly I cannot believe it’s happened, but happened it has and today is my first honest day of doing something about it. I have been wanting to get back to the gym but the one I was at back when is no longer there. I sorely miss that place. Like a lot. My trainer/friends moved away and that affected me more than I originally realized. They became very vital threads in the fabric of my life. (is that a commercial?) We still talk from time to time, so that’s great. My brother made me realize last night how much of me has been missing and I vowed to change that. He, my mom, and I wagered a bet to lose 50 pounds by the end of May 2017. $250 buy in, winner takes all. Once I win that bet, hahaha, we will continue and see who loses the most weight and/or maintains said weight loss until May 2018. Winner of that bet wins $3,000. Thanks mom and brother. I’ll prefer my winnings in cash. 🙂

So…in all transparency – I am weighing in at 491. At least as far as when I had knee surgery last month. By the end of May I need to weigh 441. I know I can do it. I’ve done it before. I need to keep this in mind so there’s no more going back to the beginning.

Full Disclosure.

I am gaining weight. Rapidly. It’s no surprise, at least to me. And if you’ve seen me recently, it’s not a surprise to you either.  I’ve completely abandoned all of my ‘good habits’ and have reverted to the way I used to eat. Maybe not 100% of the way, but enough to wear I’m back in my really fat shirts. The ones I was wearing when I started at the gym. If I keep on the way I’m going, I’m not going to have any pants to wear because A. I can’t afford new clothes right now and B. My smaller pants are getting tighter. I know when it all started. I had surgery September 30, 2016. I started off okay but then not wanting to be any more of a burden than I already felt like I was, I made it easier with meals. Whoever was preparing them or picking up, I went with it. It starts innocently enough and then before you know it, BOOM! Weight is creeping back, back is starting to not feel great, bending over is becoming a bitch again. I’m now to the point where it’s hard to reach my feet easily. What the fuck?! I have to have additional surgery that’s going to rock my world again (although this time I know just how crazy it’s going to be) and I need to curb this shit right now. It’s also rude with the Facebook memories from previous years to see what I was doing a year or two ago and I’m not doing the same things now. Okay, I get it. 🙂 Not to mention,  I miss it. A lot. So, while I have to try and find exercise I can do that doesn’t impact my foot, hahaha!, find it I will. It’s back to chicken and veggies. I know what to do. I can get back on track. I’ll stop beating myself up and just get back with the program. There are family members that are eating better these days so it’s now a family affair. Even if it wasn’t or they weren’t, I will. I have to. I’ve worked to hard to completely fall apart now.

Why I wanted to quit and other such nonsense.

Did you know I wanted to quit? Quit training, quit helping others, quit the gym. Just up and quit. I should give you the back story that brought me to this thought. Remember how I said back in March (I need to get better at blogging) that I was studying to become a personal trainer? Well, I took the test on 6/9 and failed it. By 5 stupid points. 5 points! Focus…Needless to say, I was devastated when I saw the “did not pass” on the results page. It was to date, the absolute hardest test I’ve ever taken. And I had an extremely tough Biology teacher at Langston. The upside is that I know what to expect when I take it again. I questioned even taking it again. I allowed this test to shatter my confidence and doubt whether I should even continue with training. It was all downhill after that. I was in the middle of a pretty good pity party, depressed, and just ready to give up. I talked a little bit about it with my sisters and I’m sure they were worried. I know they were because they said as much. All it took was one trigger from not passing to start a snowball of doubt. It’s amazing (or crazy) how quickly you (I) can lose focus on what’s good when you only focus on the negative. When your focus is on the stuff you can’t do or didn’t do instead of the good you are accomplishing. I’m definitely way to hard on myself. I think people in general are too hard on themselves. Kristi read something she found on Pinterest. The cliff notes version is this – picture yourself at 5. How would you protect her, right her wrongs, take care of her, wipe her tears, make sure she had fun, provide a loving place, etc…Now…why don’t we do the same when we are adults? You’re just as important at 35 (40, 41, etc) as you are at 5. When I started interning, I forgot about myself and focused on the client. Focusing on the client is good, but you can’t forget yourself. I had almost stopped working out all together. I did a half ass workout here and there, but nothing of real consequence. Okay, maybe two really good workouts, but that’s it. I because all about taking care of others and ignoring me. No bueno.

The other night I was talking to a client and she had some really nice things to say about me. Do you have a hard time accepting compliments too? Anyway, she talked about how much I encouraged her, and because of me, she’s sticking with her workouts and really feels she’s improving. Which she is. It’s awesome to see how far she’s come from where she was at when she started. Her little pep talk, she assures me she wasn’t just blowing smoke, brought back into focus what I should have kept thinking about all along. Look at the positive and forget about the negative. So I didn’t pass a test. Yes, it hurt, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It just means I have to study harder, pay the money to retake it, and master the shit out of it. 🙂 I might not get 100, but the next time I take it, I won’t get a 65 either. Then I can be an official personal trainer. And start working on the Fitness Nutrition Specialist test. Although I have until February 2016. Whew.

I’m focused, back on track, and paying attention to myself. I still have my goals to meet and I will get there. My 2015 goal is to be able to fit into my gym t-shirt. It’s a 3x and I’m currently in a 4x. I want to be able to wear it in public. It will happen. Remain focused and keep moving forward. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be other bumps along the way, but I can hope that it will only be a bump and not a derailment.

Figuring it out.

Hi party people! Happy Wednesday to ya. How is everyone in internet-land? I’m doing alright. Actually, scratch that, I’m doing great. I’m over my melt down from the other day and in a better, re-focused, frame of mind. You know when you’re in a crazy place or maybe stressful is a better word, it’s hard to see the positive aspects. It takes a minute, or in my case, overnight, to see things in a better light. I was bummed (heartbroken) about not really being able to workout. What I should have been focusing on was using this time to focus on eating correctly. It’s going to be beneficial not just to myself, but to others. I’m studying to be a personal trainer (!!!) and if I have crappy/less than stellar eating habits, how can I help someone with theirs? Do as I say, not as I do? Not a great reflection. And I can still do arm workouts so I’m not totally out of the loop. I really like the relationships I’ve built there and I really do enjoy working out. Crazy I know! So, while I can’t lift weights right now (boo!), I can work on other facets of being healthy and losing weight. (No more tears…well for right now. Sorry Jake!) Thanks to everyone who listened to me cry, whine, stress out, be unhappy, etc this past week. You are all priceless to me. Always.

Other news that has me happy and dancing in the streets – I have a lap! I was at the doctor yesterday and while I was waiting for him to come in the room, I looked down and notice I have a lap! Holy shit. It completely caught me by surprise. I quickly grabbed my phone, snapped a picture, and uploaded it to Instagram and Facebook. It’s one of those things that probably doesn’t phase the everyday person, but a huge accomplishment to someone who hasn’t had a lap in, oh I don’t know….ever? It’s these little things that amount to big things. Crossing my legs without thinking about it. Not getting winded putting on my shoes (that’s sad!). Walking around, keeping up with others, and not gasping for breath all at the same time. Wearing clothes in much smaller sizes. These have all happened and it blows my mind each time I notice it. It’s joyful and makes me thankful for everything.

Going back to my doctor visit – I have a foot/ankle injury that I’ve ignored or pushed aside for quite a while. (about a year) I’ve been to the doctor, got referred to another doctor, had an MRI, a few x-rays, and ended up with a great doctor. He very matter of fact told me I needed to have surgery and it was going to completely rock my world and turn it upside down. This was around the end of summer last year or something like that. I told him I didn’t want to do anything that was going to keep me from working out so we pushed the surgery back a while. And have kept pushing it back because it meant being off my foot, no weight bearing AT ALL, for at least 3 months. Three months?!?! He thought he was going to have to fuse my foot and all this other stuff, but at yesterday’s appointment he doesn’t think he’ll have to do a fusion after all!!! Woot, woot! He’ll just have to clean up the bone fragments, bone spurs, do some scoping and that’s it. So we’re looking at being off my foot for 3 weeks instead of months. Hallelujah, praise Jesus.  The only drawback on the foot surgery is that I have to fix my knee first. What? My knee. Yep. On the same leg no less! I really don’t know what I’ve done to injure it, but I haven’t been smart and I’ve continued to work out only to make it worse. I’m a bit hard headed. This past Saturday took the cake and rest assured, I’m not doing anything that involves over working my knees. (Hence only doing arm stuff in the gym) I have my knee appointment on the 19th and I’ll know something more at that time. Maybe there’s just some cartilage floating around in there that needs to be removed. Easy, peasy. Then we’ll get the foot taken care of and I’ll be good as new!  While it’s been an inconvenience I know how much worse it could be. I am very blessed in the fact that I can still walk, move around, all that good stuff. It’s just a minor set back and I can deal with it gracefully.

Losing weight isn’t an overnight achievement. It takes time. It’s multifaceted and a lot of damn work. It’s a lot to figure out but one thing I know and have figured out is – It’s so completely worth it.

1 year, 4 months, 16 days…

That’s how long I’ve been going to the gym. Or, that’s the time between when I started and today. 10/21/2013 to 3/9/2015. 504 days (505 if you actually count today). A lot has happened in that time and yet it seems like not much has changed. I’ve lost weight, gained some of it back, and lost it again. I’ve gained confidence and had self doubt. I’ve met great people and made changes in my life that I’ll carry with me forever. In February of this year I enrolled to become a personal trainer. It still blows my mind to think how much I’ve come to enjoy fitness. Not just enjoy it, but to actually make a career out of it…mind boggling. It hasn’t been easy, but as they say, nothing worth having is easy. There has been an inordinate amount of frustration, mostly in the past few months. I gained a bit of weight back (21lbs to be exact), and it’s taken almost 3 months to lose it again. I haven’t lost it all but I’m down to 398 and still plugging away. Frustration at the injuries I’ve sustained. I’m sure I’ve talked about my foot/ankle before so that’s nothing new. I’ve been putting off surgery until I lose more weight. (that time might be up.) In the past few weeks I’ve injured my knee. It’s a mystery as to how it happened. I had an MRI last Monday and I’m waiting to hear about the results. Impatiently waiting. If I don’t hear anything tomorrow, I’m calling someone to bug for answers. I’ve been hard headed in working out injured. I’ve tried to figure it out the past couple of days as to why I haven’t made the smartest decisions and I haven’t really come up with anything. My back has been sore for a week or so and that’s affected my time in the gym. I seem to be falling apart and yet I know I could be a lot worse off. There is someone out there that has it worse than I do. My stuff is fixable. A surgery here or there and I’ll be good as new. Believe me when I say, I know how blessed I am. Truly.

With the injuries I have and the limitations it’s put on what I can really do in the gym, I am thinking I need to take a break with working out and work on healing. Nothing about that sentence makes me happy. Well, maybe the healing part. Ha! The part that doesn’t make me happy is taking time away from the gym. My home away from home. I’m nervous about getting out of my routine. I don’t want to miss out on the happenings at the gym. I’ve grown to love that place and I know I’ll miss it. Yes, I know it’s not forever, just until everything works properly again and I can work out without doing further damage. Being away will have me focusing more on eating correctly and I know I need that. Especially to stay in line with losing weight. Going there twice a day has become such a huge part of my life that I’m not sure how to not go there.

It’s been 12,096 hours, 725,760 minutes, 43,545,600 seconds…

Sticking with it.

Hi! It’s been a while. I haven’t really felt like I had much to say, or I’ve had things to say, but it was a lot of the same thing, over and over. My people came home from Dallas a few months ago so my slacking off in the gym and eating dept was over. I was horrified to say the least about how much weight I gained while they were gone. 20 pounds. Scratch that, make it 21. I think it’s wrong how incredibly easy it is to put weight on, but A LOT of hard work to get it off. It’s like super velco…not wanting to go anywhere. Anyway…I’ve been stuck in a range of 402-410 for the past month. Saying I was frustrated was putting it mildly. I was at the end of my rope a few times, tears were shed (shock, surprise!), and just felt like an overall failure. A) because I not only fell off the wagon, I managed to get run over it and B) I had lost the weight already and I didn’t seem like I could get there again. (that’s a frustration all in itself – having to lose it twice) So, I’ve struggled with trying to get rid of this weight. I’ve kept up with my workouts in the gym and even went back to my two a days. Nothing. Now I will tell you that I didn’t make the greatest food choices during this time. I let old habits sort of slip in. Sort of my butt. There were definite days I ate some feelings. That has to account for the scale not going down. While I was struggling with eating better, I was feeling frustrated at the gym. A lot of the exercises I do are still modified. During this time I’ve been working out with very fit people. They were getting ready for a competition and doing these crazy hard workouts and while I would do them too, they were modified for me. I still can’t do a box jump (my feet will not get off the ground at the same time!), jump rope, etc. I remember one day we were going through one of the WOD’s they would be doing at the competition and I didn’t time mine. That was my undoing that day. Immediately teared up and left soon after that. I think it was more a culmination of things than just not recording my time although I am ticked I don’t know how long it took me to complete it. I like to know so when I do it again, I have a time to beat.

While I was in this funk, or whatever, I thought about what it would be like to quit. Like actually quit going to the gym. That in itself is a terrible thought. Thinking about it now puts knots in my stomach. Realistically I know I won’t quit, but I thought at the time is it worth all the frustration and struggle? The answer is – yes. It’s completely worth all of the modified workouts, tears, sweat, etc. I don’t ever want to end back up at over 500 pounds. Never. I know I’m not going to allow myself to eat myself to death. In talking to my sister about all of this, she suggested possibly going back to the basics and writing everything down that I eat and having accountability. Jake’s mentioned before about starting something like that at the gym. Getting a group together, meet once a week, and discuss not just nutrition but frustrations, what’s working, what isn’t, things like that. Basically, building a community of friends that you can tap in to in our journey. The name is Waist Management. Saturdays at 8 and then you can stay after and join in on the boot camp. If you live in OKC, you should come and check it out. I will tell you this – Public speaking has never been something I wanted to do, but if it’s helping others and also a help to myself, I’ll give it a shot. It’s not going to kill me, so why not? It’s just another tool to use in helping me lose weight. Speaking of that weight – I did it! After all this time of not getting the scale to move in the downward position, it finally did this week. I stepped on the scale yesterday afternoon and it started at 399 but stopped at 400. Woo Hoo! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I didn’t mention it to anyone for fear it was a fluke but this morning when I got on there, it was 400 even. I have finally made it past the 402+. Now to keep up the momentum and get the rest of this weight off.

Even though you can get discouraged, frustrated, angry, whatever – stick with it. You are worth it and it’s not going to be that way forever. You are more than a conqueror.

Also – I had my 6 month diabetic appointment and let me tell you this sports fans….I have managed to lower my A1C number again! In March of 2013 it was 6.8 and it has gone down a little each time. Last week – my number is at 5.3! Woot, woot. My cholesterol is still perfect and every other test ran was awesome too. That right there is another reason to keep at it.

Have a great day! Talk to you soon.


That’s what I weigh right now. 409lbs. That’s horrifying. Why is it? Because in September I weighed in at 388. That’s a 21 pound weight GAIN in two months. Do you know how much work has to go in to losing 21 pounds because I do. Do you know how quickly you can gain that lost weight back? I do. You have shitty things happen in your life and you lose focus. My Nana passed away on November 8th and I comforted myself for a week (or more) with funeral food, casseroles, sweets, boneless wings, sliced sausages, etc. You name it, if it was at the house, I ate it. It didn’t even have to be at home – eating anywhere, I was not eating ‘right’.  Honestly, I can’t even ‘blame’ the weight gain on the funeral food. I wasn’t eating great before then and I had slacked off in a big way at the gym. I quit going in the mornings and wasn’t really committed in the afternoons. I’d like to say it’s because my trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas and isn’t in the gym pushing me. But he isn’t the one losing weight.  In reality – those are all excuses. It’s my own fault that I’ve gained 21 fucking pounds. I let my mental self interfere with my physical self. It’s stunning how easy it is to gain weight when it takes you so very long to lose it.

My trainer was in town this past week and I was talking to him Monday about how I know I’ve gained weight but I wasn’t panicked because I know I’ll lose it. Then I quietly stepped on the scale and was immediately horrified. I planned on not telling a soul because A. I didn’t want to see that look on their faces. You know the one that shows disappointment or their own horrified reaction. and B. because I was just ashamed of putting that much weight on in such a short amount of time. But you know what – if I am as honest as I have been about losing weight, I need to be just as honest in the tough times and gaining weight. So I told people. My sisters, Mom, co-workers, friends, and my trainer. I don’t want to disappoint these people, but more importantly, I don’t want to disappoint myself so I told them to keep myself accountable. Not so they can police my food (please don’t! That’s a good way to piss me off) but so if I’m offered something tasty and on my personal list of foods to avoid, they will know why. And possibly not offer those tasty delights. Ha! Losing weight is a struggle. It is not easy. If it was, there wouldn’t be an obesity epidemic. The weight loss industry wouldn’t rake in billions of dollars each year. I’ve learned that I cannot just work out and eat whatever. I cannot eat right and not work out. For me, I have to do both. Eat better and work out. There is no either/or. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done and I’m re-committed to eating the way I did before September. I’m back in the gym full time. Right now my goal is making it to the gym everyday. Once that’s back on track, I’ll go back to two a days. I’m back to eating what I’m supposed to…and whoa, right before Thanksgiving? Smart. Haha…Although I did have pizza last night for dinner. Poor planning and waiting until I was beyond hungry to eat something. I did have a salad with it, so that has to add a plus in my favor. Right? 🙂

I just want you all to know that it’s not all roses and sunshine when you’re losing weight. It’s not easy and there are pitfalls and downsides. But it’s the getting back up when you’ve fallen down that is important. Don’t stay down. Take a minute, breathe deep, and get your ass back on track. So tomorrow when the country is using Thanksgiving as an excuse to eat like it’s their job, I’ll have a taste of this and a taste of that, but I will spend more time out of the kitchen talking with family and friends than I will be with filling my plate. Isn’t that the point of the holiday anyway? Being thankful for the people you have in your life? Not eating until you pass out in a food coma.

So, there it is party people. The not so pretty truth. Just remember – even though things happen and life gets in your way, don’t let it keep you there. Dust yourself off and get back to eating your chicken and veggies.

365 days.

365 days. One year of time. A lot can happen in that one year…those 365 days. For me, the past 365 days have been life changing. I’ve said it before, but October 21, 2013 is one of my all time favorite dates. It was the first day of my very first workout. I’ve written about it before, but I still vividly remember how absolutely scared I was walking into the gym that day. I really didn’t have a plan or a thought about how long I was going to do this or any expectations. I made it through that day and have made it through every day since then. Some days have been filled with tears of frustration, while others have held tears of joy and excitement. It’s been an interesting journey thus far. I’ve learned that I love working out. I never in my life thought my name would ever been associated with fitness. Now, I do it everyday. (well except Sunday) It’s become a part of my life and a year ago I couldn’t imagine doing it, now I can’t imagine not doing it. This past month or so has been tough because I let doubt creep in and old thoughts/habits. I was losing the battle or actually thought about giving up because I wasn’t worth all the sacrifice and hard work. I know I am worthy. It’s a day to day process. Sometimes hour by hour. I’m undoing  a lifetime of bad decisions and poor planning. I didn’t think on October 21, 2013 that on today, exactly one year later, I would be 112lbs lighter. Yes, I still have a road ahead of me, but I know today that I will accomplish those goals. I have 180lbs to go and I know with continued hard work, I am going to reach that goal.

So what’s happened in a year’s time? I’ve made some amazing friends, learned how strong I am (mentally & physically), cried more than I thought possible, continued to laugh through some of those tears, realized fears and tried to put them to rest. I’ve discovered that even though I’m not perfect (shocker!) I have the grace of God and no matter what, that will never change. I’ve lost and gained, and lost again. This is a life change. I hope to help others who have a weight problem and help them realize how wonderful they are despite carrying some extra pounds.

Jake said yesterday “weight is not an issue.” It doesn’t look like much when I type it out, but it was like a cannon going off in my mind. It isn’t an issue. I make it one by allowing it to limit what I do and don’t do. Yes I have extra weight but that’s not who I am. I saw a quote the other day. It said “You are not fat. You have fat. You have fingernails, you are not fingernails.” There is a difference. For so long I’ve always identified as being fat. ‘The fat one’, the ‘quiet’ one…I’m finally realizing that’s not who I am. It’s just something that I have. It’s taken a year for that to finally sink in, but it’s registering.

It’s definitely been quite a year. Thanks to my awesome cheerleaders, family, and friends. Thanks for reading my many posts about losing weight and continually encouraging me along the way. Your support is so appreciated.

Thanks to Jake for taking that chance on me a year ago. He gave me an opportunity to change my life and is always teaching me to value myself. He and Nicole have become family and I just can’t thank them enough for the difference they have made in my life.

I’m excited to see what the next 365 days hold.


Hey there! Long time, no write. I got side tracked. I lost focus. Almost gave up. I almost chose to quit the gym this week. Thankfully I have some determined cheerleaders in my corner that talked me from the ledge. I’ve felt lost lately, just kind of like not really knowing why I’m doing this or rather, not feeling like I’m worth doing this. Not worthy of all the hard work and dedication. It’s definitely easier to give up. To give in. To say, to hell with all this…I’m going to eat what I want and just stay overweight forever. I was choosing to take the easy path. I was choosing to not believe in myself. I’ve felt like a fraud for a few weeks too. Everyone around me is going on about how great I look and how my new clothes make it to where you can really tell I’ve lost weight. I smile and say thanks but I felt like a fraud. Like I wasn’t worthy of their compliments. Why is that? I should smile and feel amazing. My hard work is paying off. People are taking notice. I guess I didn’t feel worthy because I knew I was giving up. I knew that eventually they would see I was eating a little more here and there or if not eating more, I was eating the ‘wrong things’. They would eventually see I started wearing my bigger clothes again instead of my slimmer, prettier clothes. I haven’t totally gone back to the way I was almost 12 months ago, but I definitely recognized I was headed to that path. Part of it is I don’t feel like I have any accountability. My trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas to be with his wife while she fought for her life and the life of their (then) unborn daughter. (Thankfully she is here and thriving! His wife is doing so much better too! God is great.) So my someone to answer to wasn’t around and I guess it was one of those, while the cat’s away, the mice will play kind of thing? I’ve slacked off in a major way and that’s not okay with me. I’m mad at myself and more than a little worried. Logically I know I have only myself to answer to and I’m doing this for myself, but I haven’t trusted myself to do what I need to do without having someone watching over me. I’ve let my past creep in and go back to old habits of eating when I’m upset/mad/worried…I’ve been frustrated in the gym and with life in general. I went on a couple job interviews and nothing came of it, I’m not where I want to be personally, and blah, blah, blah. I shared my fears/worries with a couple of people and I check in with one of them daily. I was asked some tough questions about why I felt unmotivated, not worthy, and what did I think God thought of me. Honestly I felt like God saw me as a failure because I was giving up (almost), and not valuing myself. I’ve just felt unworthy. I know it sounds silly, but feelings are pretty powerful.

So here I am back at 392lbs. I’m setting short term goals as well as long term goals. First off, I am going to get back to 388lbs. That’s my goal for this next week. My daily goal is to be in the gym back to my regular schedule. I am switching it up a little bit by going in earlier in the morning. I want to go to the 5:30 p.m. classes in the evenings but I’m worried if I don’t go right after work I’ll sit at home and think of reasons to not go that day. (there are always a million of those.) I think I have something in place that will work. I’m going to try it out Monday and see where I end up. My long term goal is to lose the rest of this weight. I have 180lbs to go. I’ve lost 112 so far and did it within a year, so as I push myself to continue, I know I will kick the rest of this weight to the curb. I really just need to stop letting this weight get in my way. Stop letting myself get in my way. I have some amazing friends/family, a host of cheerleaders, and people I’m not even aware of who are pulling for me. We will continue on this journey together. It’s hard, but I can do it.  I am choosing to love me and be the best me I can.