Paying off.

April 30, 2014

I know I say this all the time, but I can’t believe how much I’ve changed since last year. I can’t believe I made it to 40. I am pretty sure I was on a path to eating myself to death. Actually I know I was on that path. It’s a slow process but I worried all the time about what I was doing to myself. Granted, I wasn’t worried enough to make over all changes, but I was worried that I wouldn’t make it to 40. My doctor would tell me that losing as little as 11-15 pounds could keep me from getting Type 2 diabetes. That worried me, but not enough to make changes. There is a family history of diabetes so I know what it can do to you. Still I didn’t really make any changes. I told myself I would, but didn’t. Then I got that call saying I was in fact diabetic. I was crushed but more to the point I was so pissed at myself. Pissed because this was something that I had done. Something I could have prevented (probably). That was March 2013. So I started making changes. I contacted my aunt who is diabetic and asked for her advice. I met with her and got a wealth of information. That’s something too…look up diabetes on the internet and you are flooded with information on counting carbs, what to eat, what not to eat, do this, don’t do that, etc. It is overwhelming to say the least. Okay, so here I am armed with information about how to start eating better and maintain a healthy blood sugar. I start making changes. Changes to the way I eat, being conscientious about carbs, watching my sugar levels, and checking said levels. I started losing weight! I was on a roll.

Then I wasn’t. I don’t know when I slacked off, but I did. It wasn’t a huge change or a drastic measure. I would just eat a little (or a lot) more, have this dessert, or eat that potato. My weight loss slowed or I gained, which I’m not sure because I hadn’t weighed. I’ll say gained because I could tell in my clothes. During this time I didn’t really have great weight loss. My weight at the first of the year was over 500 pounds. That’s have of 1000. That’s embarrassing to write. I had let myself go so much that I was closer to 1000 pounds than I was away from it. I don’t know what my weight was exactly because the scale stopped at 500. People are not supposed to weigh 500. I’m guessing I was probably around 530. It’s just a guess, but I’m sure it’s more accurate than not. The last time I weighed at the doctor I was at 492. That was back in September. When I met Jake and started at the gym, the first time I weighed on the scale (at the Dr’s.) I was at 484. That was, I believe, my second week there so that’s the number I use to gauge my weight loss since starting at Balance. Which as of today, is 55 pounds lost! (101 since last March!) It has been hard, frustrating, full of doubt, one injury after another, and fraught with a lot of tears. I mean a lot! Ask Jake. I’m pretty sure he was worried for a long time when he would talk to me because I would tear up or do the ugly cry. His office is well stocked with Kleenex. 🙂

I’m saying all of this because after 6 months of intense workouts and eating better, (so much better!) I am finally seeing the results for myself. I’ve know for a while that I was/am losing weight because my clothes are looser and people have commented but now I have noticed the change in me physically. Looking in the mirror I can tell that I am smaller than I used to be and I am marveling at how small my face is becoming. I can see that I do in fact have a pretty face. Clothes are downright baggy on me and need to be retired, I can breathe easier, walk easier, do life easier. I still have an intense road ahead. My goal right now is to lose an additional 100 pounds by October 21st. That’s 18.5 lbs a month. Easy. Well, not easy but I’ve done it before, I’m doing it now, and I will continue to do it. My ultimate goal is to make it to 200lbs. If it drops into the 100’s, man I can’t even imagine. I can sort of picture myself at a much smaller weight, but not really. I’ve never been small – always overweight. I am excited about the changes in my life. The relationship I’m forming with God. My only regrets are that I waited this long to enjoy His word and take better care of myself. I still have my issues. I’m not comfortable working out in front of mirrors. I still have fat that slaps together. Will that ever go away? Haha. I still get nervous on weigh in days. I even commented on Monday to Jake if there was something I could bribe him with? But I did it and was even down a pound. Woo Hoo. When it’s good numbers it’s all I can do to contain myself and not bum rush him with a hug or something. Usually we high five. It not only makes me excited for myself, but for him as well. He’s put in a lot of time and effort to get me here and he is due all the credit. It’s good to see that all your hard work is paying off and will continue to pay off. To know firsthand that your time spent has been and is worth it.

To finally see that eating all that chicken and veggies, working out twice a day and on Saturday, all the sweat, tears, frustration, elation, embarrassment, etc is paying off…now that is really something.

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Starting to see…

I’m finally starting to see the progress I am making. I think it was last week in the gym when I’m doing dead lifts and as I stand up, I catch my reflection in the office window. Immediately I thought, “Wow! I look smaller!” I even set the bar down so I could pull my shirt and pants tighter. I know I’m losing weight but actually being able to really see the results is something. I know my close are baggy and getting to the point that I need to buy a couple of staple items, but to see for myself and actually realize this is working is something in and of itself. It’s awesome. One of these days I won’t mind seeing myself in the gym mirrors.

Another realization…I’m actually a pretty person. Yesterday I was washing off my mascara and looked at my face and again had a thought, “I’m actually really pretty.” That might not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it’s huge. I’ve never really thought I was ugly, but I’ve never thought I was pretty either. Decent maybe. Now that the fat is leaving my face, you can actually see my features and how they look, standing out on their own. I think that’s an important part of all of this…seeing yourself as a beautiful person. We are all beautiful in our own ways and I hope each one of you knows that and realizes your worth. No matter what your size. If you’re working out and wondering when you’ll see results, don’t give up! It does happen.

Seeing the results of all this hard work is a great confidence boost. I have lacked confidence in myself but as I go through this transformation, I can feel that increasing. It’s a pretty remarkable thing. I think reading “Captivating” is a huge help too. I’m not too far into it, but it’s a pretty good read so far. I’ll let you know what I think when I’m done.

I’m thrilled that I’m starting to see the new me. One more plus in the healthy lifestyle column.

 

No Doubt.

I have been filled with doubt this week. Every.single.day. My attitude was crappy to put it nicely. I’ve felt off and just didn’t quite know how to get myself out of whatever it was that was plaguing me at the time. I thought that working out by myself wasn’t going to really get any results, even though I was following the routine Jake had written out the previous week. I know at times you never really work out as hard as you do when you have someone there telling you what to do. I’ve made it a point to work out as though he’s there or tried to and it’s paid off. I lost 6 pounds this week! That makes 20 pounds in four weeks and 54 pounds since October 2013. I have 6 months to accomplish my goal of 100 pounds in a year and if I keep it up, I am going to make this goal.

I don’t know why I get so filled with doubt? I have an army of people believing in me, whether in person or online. I’m amazing myself by sticking with it and continuing to eat healthier and work out. Even when I don’t feel that confident that what I’m doing is going to work. Each time, I prove myself wrong. I called Kristi this morning to share in the good news and to thank her. She’s the one that started all of this and she deflected saying she just took a call and I did it by getting out of my car. I may have gotten out of my car, but I have a handful of God given people that have made it possible to be where I am on this day. And for that I should never doubt I’m exactly where I need to be. I hope my angels know how much they are loved by me and how much I truly appreciate all of the time and effort that has been given. That is something to never doubt.

Attitude is everything.

Attitude can make or break you. It is definitely a part of your workout. If you don’t believe me, try working out when you just don’t feel like it or your head isn’t in it. It’s almost impossible. It can be done but it’s almost like doing it through mud or quikcrete. (Did I spell that right? anyway…) Well my attitude this week has been less than stellar. I’ve worked out everyday like always but for some reason or another, my attitude hasn’t been there. At times it has downright sucked!  And I’m letting everything get on my nerves. I was talking to my cheering section at work today and when I say things out loud I feel or sound like a child. I’m going through the motions of working out but I feel like something’s missing. Like I’m missing out on something but I can’t quite pin down what I am missing out on. It’s silly really, I think, and I’m sure I’ll get over whatever it is. I need to not get so caught up in my head and just go with the flow. I know I’m restless about situations in my life and maybe that is part of what’s off. Everything takes time and I’ve been rather impatient lately. Take the class on Wednesday morning. I was so frustrated that I almost, for a split second, thought about not doing it anymore and just go back to working out on the arc trainer. The reason –  it seemed like almost all of the exercises had to be modified for me. Realistically it was really only 3, but I was so mad at myself, and a little embarrassed to be honest, that I couldn’t do them like everyone else. That’s crazy. What I should have been thinking was ‘Holy crap! Look what I can do.’ Stuff that I couldn’t or wouldn’t even begin to try much less do 6 months ago. I suppose part of it is I still feel like this remedial kid trying to play with Rhodes Scholars. (Nothing wrong with remedial)

I need to quit worrying about not being on the level of everyone around me and concentrate on where I’m at today. Because this time last year? I was holding down the couch instead of working out in a gym. I’ve lost a bunch of weight, I’m moving better, I’m breathing better, and I’m just living better. So snap out of it! Right??? Also…if you’ve been on the receiving end of my crappy attitude this week, consider this my blanket apology. I’m not usually such an ass.

God’s Grace.

One of the very first things Jake ever said to me when we first met was “Do you know that if you never even lose a pound here that you have God’s Grace?” “There isn’t anything you can do to make God love you more.” I didn’t really know it at the time, but I’m learning it more and more everyday. It resonated with me so much that when I was at a Christian book store the other day they had little metal stamped words and I bought the “Grace” one. I usually have it in my pocket as a reminder. I found this definition on the internet:

“grace has been defined as “the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it”

Ephesians 2:8; “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”. 

It really is amazing thing to think about…there isn’t anything you can do to make God love you more. Nothing. It’s sometimes hard for me to think about and know it to be true. Someone that loves you for you, warts and all, and knows all your warts. Someone who wants the best for you.

God’s Grace. Amazing stuff.

In a funk.

How do you work out when you’re in a funk? I guess you just do it. There isn’t a magic anything to get you through it and yesterday and today I have been in a funk when I’m at the gym. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working out alone (Dullsville!) or what it is. It hasn’t been fun like normal. Am I burning myself out by the two a days plus Saturday or just a mood that will go away? I’m sure it’s just a mood because I don’t feel like quitting – I have big goals to achieve. I have a set routine in the afternoons that I do now so I know what to do. I think the only answer is, you just keep going until the mood lifts.

What other choice is there when quitting is not an option?

Success and a new challenge.

Wooo Hooo! Last week I lost another 6 pounds. Well, technically I lost it in 4 days. From Monday – Thursday. Eventhough one of those pounds I picked back up from the previous week. That week I lost 6 also. And in that 6 pounds, 4 were from the previous two weeks. So it’s not always a winning week. I actually should re-phrase that statement. It’s always a winning week in the fact that I keep showing up to workout, but it’s not always a weight loss week. For whatever reason. Take last week for example. I weighed on Monday morning (which I don’t like to do) and I was up a pound from that Friday. WTH? I made some really good (tough) choices over the weekend and couldn’t believe what the scale was telling me. I’m getting better at not letting that number get me down. It used to almost undo me. I think now I know that it will come off. I’m by no means happy about it, but I’m in a better frame of mind now and know I work hard so it will go down again. Which, like I said earlier,  was the case 4 days later. You just have to know you’re worth it (something I’m working on!) and remember why you’re doing all of this in the first place.

Now for the new challenge. To be in the 300’s by May 1st. Yep. It’s a big one and it might be a tad out of reach, but I’m going to try like hell to make it happen. That’s 38 pounds I have to lose. I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning and my weekly goal has been to lose 8 pounds. Again, that might be lofty, but it keeps my eye on the prize and motivated. So when Nana keeps offering me her french fries, I decline and let her know, again, that I have a goal I’m trying to get to and no thank you. Can I tell you, I love Braum’s french fries. Goodness. But not as much as I love losing weight.

Speaking of french fries and such…the other day I was asked to bring Johnnie’s home for dinner. If you live in OK you know how tasty Johnnie’s can be and what a treat. For them. Not me. The entire way home I was pissed! My car smelled of nothing but onion rings and it really just made me angry. I was kind of surprised at how mad it made me. What torture to drive 20-30 minutes home surrounded by the smell of onion rings and knowing none of them are for you. I survived and made my chicken and veggies when I got home. Also, next time I’m asked, I’ll have to decline and tell them I would be happy to pick up fixings for a salad!

Here’s to continued weight loss and working towards goals. I cannot wait to see what I look like at the end of this year.

Losing the mental weight.

When you weigh as much as I do and did, you need to lose the mental weight as well.

What do I mean by this? It’s the negative thinking that goes along with being morbidly obese. I’m not saying everyone who is overweight has negative thoughts, I’m talking about myself here. The ‘I can’t sit in a booth’, ‘what if the seat belt doesn’t fit’, ‘panic at being sat in the back of a restaurant’ thinking. As I lose physical weight, I’m having a harder time losing my mental weight. I know that I’m physically smaller than I was this time last year, but I still get hung up on those what if’s and negative creepy crawly thoughts. How do you get past those? Do you ever? After Bible study yesterday, Nicole gave me a slip of paper with “Captivating” written on it along with the author’s names. She said I needed to read this book and that it would help me with the struggles I have in not being able to see me as I truly am. I took the slip of paper to Mardel bookstore to see if they had it. The store clerk who helped me said it’s an amazing book and really helps with self esteem issues. She spoke a little more about how it helped her, all the while with tears glistening in her eyes. (which of course had me with tears in my eyes) They were sold out so she ordered it for me and should be in, later in the week. She was such a nice person and encouraged me to come back and let her know what I thought of it, once I read it. Apparently there is even a workbook that goes along with it. I’m looking forward to reading it.

I’m hoping it helps me with the mental weight that I carry around. The weight that isn’t always visible to you. The weight that keeps me from seeing what a beautiful person I really am and that I’m much more than the physical weight I have. God has big things planned for me and I need to visualize myself doing His great works.

Losing the mental weight will be just as freeing, if not more so, than losing the physical weight.

Humiliation, party of one.

I had my first physical therapy appointment today. Ouch! Why am I going you ask? Apparently sometime this year I dislocated my big toe on my left foot. This lead to tendonitis and that stuff is painful! It’s bothered me constantly for a few months and I finally went to the doctor to find out why. That’s the diagnosis she gave me. In addition to taping my foot for three days, wearing ionic patches every other day, and taking high powered anti-inflammation medication, I was prescribed PT.

Today was my first official visit. I met the therapist and he’s a stitch. I had to do several exercises with my bum foot and then he’s going to give me a foot rub. I’m thinking yeah! but obviously I’ve never had a PT foot rub. One of the most painful things ever. After it’s over then I get my foot iced. Picture this….a huge square table with nice padding. I’m to lay on this with a wedge underneath my legs so my iced foot is elevated. This is for 20 minutes. Everything’s okay so far. The timer goes off after said 20 minutes and a different guy comes over to turn it off, remove the ice pack, and the wedge. It’s at this part that one of the most humiliating things happens. Good grief. As I’m bringing my feet down and start to adjust myself to sit up, I fart. Holy shit! I could have died. It wasn’t huge or drawn out ( did I really just write that?) but loud enough that I know he heard it. I didn’t flinch a muscle. I totally acted like nothing out of the ordinary, but good grief!  You know that’s one of my fears in working out. I’ll be in the middle of a sit up or squat and pfflllllffft. I might not recover if that happens. Sometimes it’s too quiet in the gym for all that business.

I’m sure he had a good story/laugh after I left. I know I would. And insult to injury? I go back next Tuesday and Thursday. Help!

Stay the course.

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. Stay the course.

It’s hard, this weight loss journey. It’s not just losing weight, it’s learning an entirely new lifestyle. It’s learning how to be satisfied with eating good food when all you want to do is eat the crappy stuff. It’s also knowing that no matter what the scale shows, you are making progress. Take this weekend for example. I made some really good choices. I lost 6 pounds last week! That’s awesome. Now while I would normally ‘celebrate’ by having a bacon cheeseburger, I decided I would stay on track and see what I can really do the following week. So I ate healthy and just kept reminding myself this is all worth it. I was fine with that. I didn’t have lunch plans on Saturday with my nephew and the restaurant of his choosing was Olive Garden. I had a plan in mind – no breadsticks, no big pile of pasta, eat sensibly but still enjoy myself. I accomplished that. I passed up the breadsticks and only ate a few of the croutons on my salad. I did have a side portion of pasta, but thought I was on track. I even skipped the mashed potatoes at dinner that night.

We had a family brunch yesterday and I rocked it! There was homemade cinnamon bread, biscuits and gravy, and cheesy potatoes. I didn’t have any of it. Not even a nibble. I was so amazed/proud of myself. Especially on not eating the potatoes. Goodness. They are quite something but I had in mind that they don’t taste as good as losing weight. Okay, so later in the day my nephew and I went to the movies. I ordered a medium diet drink instead of the large I would normally order. We also had popcorn but I only had a little bit of it. Again, nothing like what I would normally eat. Dinner was brunch leftovers and I skipped all the stuff I mentioned earlier. So why after making better choices was I a pound up this morning when I weighed? Sure it could be the water I consumed after working out. It could be the pasta I ate on Saturday or the the popcorn on Sunday. I don’t really know what it is but I do know I’m trying to not let it bother me. I’m feeling kind of crappy today so maybe that’s why it’s getting to me more than it should. I don’t ever want to be okay with gaining a pound or more, but I also don’t want it to defeat me. I know it will come off. I know it will.

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. Stay the course.