Day 5 of training
October 25, 2013
One week down! My first week. I can’t believe I’ve done it. I showed up each day and each day I got my butt kicked. I never in my life thought I’d look forward to working out. I’m sure at some point the honeymoon phase will fade (I hope it doesn’t) and I’ll have to summon the energy to go, but right now I’ll take whatever I have. I really have to thank my lucky stars for even having the opportunity to do this. If it wasn’t for Jake and Kristi none of this would be happening. I have God to thank for that. He truly knows your wants and desires. On this day 5 of training nothing humiliating happened. What?!?! I guess the most I could say is that I had to take a picture. We’ll call it my before picture. Jake and I. Each flexing in this photo. I haven’t seen it yet, and not that I want to right now, but someday I will and I won’t believe how far I’ve actually come. That’s the day I’m looking forward to. I will say this about day 5. I did a lot of work with my arms. OMG! Lifting, pulling, pushing, you name it, I’m pretty sure I did it all with my arms. I was exhausted when I was finished but it was a good exhausted.
Saturday and Sunday I missed working out. Each day I had a purpose after work. I mean I always have a purpose, but I had something to look forward to. What was I going to do that day, etc. Jake said it’s important to have a day of rest and I chose Saturday. It actually chose me. My arms, legs, and stomach muscles were screaming at me. Loudly. It worked out because the day was overcast and a perfect stay at home day. I did make it to the 6:30 bible study. I was actually 10 minutes early. You know what I did? I drove around the block. I’m such a dork. I left the house a little early to stop and get a bottle of water and because I wanted a seat in the back this time. When I drove up to the gym I was the first one there. So I drove around the block. Laughing at myself the whole time. Even circling the block I was still the first person there. I got my seat in the back and had a minute to chat with Jake and Nicole. He asked how I was feeling that day and I told him everything ached. Everything. The sermon that night was good. Well good except the public speaking part. They had “I AM…” written on a dry erase board. Nicole wanted everyone to come up and write down what they were. This is a huge fear of mine; talking in front of people. I don’t like the attention and I’m always worried I’m not going to say the right thing. Thankfully Jake starts writing the words down for everyone as I’m guessing the others don’t really want to walk up there either. I’ve been having the word ‘learning’ running through my mind the whole night. It fits perfect for my situation. I’m learning about myself and God. I’m finding that I am stronger than I think I am. I’m learning the value of myself in my place in this world. I am learning I am not the names that people called me. I am learning that I am worthy of God’s grace. That’s a tough one for me. To be loved simply because I’m alive. I know my family loves me but to have unconditional love? Mind blowing. Jake and Nicole came aound to each person and prayed over them. Jake gets to me and places his hand on my shoulder and says that I am not the names people said I was, etc. Exactly the thing I’m trying to learn for myself. Of course I start crying! Not a hard cry, but eyes welling up with tears and enough that I need a tissue. Good grief. Am I ever going to stop crying in front of this guy? I still felt awkward after it was over. I don’t really know anyone that was there and I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. Do I just leave quietly or do I hang around, what? It will come to me one day. Of this I know for sure.
Day 6 of training
October 28, 2013
Humiliation day. It started off innocently enough. Warming up, working out, doing different things to work my entire body. The usual stuff. Then I had to do kick backs; lean over a bar, hold on and kick your leg back. Well, I’m large, I have all this excess fat hanging around. I start to do kick backs with my right leg and I hear the tell tale sign of fat slapping together. I’m mortified because it’s really noticeable. I mean it’s not like you can’t tell I have all this extra weight by looking at me. I’m overweight, it’s noticeable. It shouldn’t be a surprise really that it moves and makes all this noise. It’s time to do the kick backs with my left leg, the side that Jake is standing on. I start doing the exercise and there are small noises to start off and then BAM!, one rather loud slap. I would have probably laughed it off, but Jake said, “Wow was that your knee?” He didn’t have any idea and I was so embarrassed. You have no idea. I lied and said “Yeah, but it’s okay.” I tried to joke it off saying I have Rice Krispie knees, but I was dying inside. I don’t know why this time it was so much worse than it was the week before. Probably because I knew this time he heard it and also commented. Of course his comment was probably out of concern that I wasn’t hurting my knee. It didn’t matter at the time. When my workout was done for the day, I got in my car, called Kristi and started crying. I was so embarrassed. I can’t believe I’ve let myself get into this situation in the first place and then to be humiliated with all the noises this large body makes when it’s exercising. She reminds me that it’s not always going to be this way and I’m doing something about it. You would think that would make me feel better. Wrong! I go home and immediately go to my room. I’m pretty much a sob fest the rest of the night. I try and read encouraging words from the Bible, but I’m feeling so down on myself with my pity party, nothing is working. Mom comes in and tries her hand at reassuring me, but I just feel so awful. I can’t see past it and look at the bigger picture. Pity, party of one! It’s going to get better right?