Yo-Yo, Yo!

Man…what is it about the weekends that can completely derail all of the hard work that I accomplish through the week? Lose, eat like crap, gain…only to lose, eat like crap, gain. Do you know how impossibly frustrating it is to keep losing the same damn weight I have already lost? Not to mention that it probably feels like a smack in the face to my trainer. I would have already been to my next goal had I not gone back and forth, back and forth. Yo-yo. That’s a toy, not a successful way to lose weight. I was at 422, celebrated some birthdays a couple of weekends ago, weighed on Monday and I was at 426. Holy smokes. I felt sick. It still makes me feel ill thinking about it. By that Friday I was at 420. (No not that 420.) Only to celebrate Memorial Day with the entire weekend and when I weighed again on Tuesday, I was back to 422. Good grief! It might be different if I didn’t know what to do, but I know exactly what to do. I know what I should be eating to lose weight. Part of it is that I get burnt out on chicken and jump at the chance for a juicy hamburger. While hamburgers aren’t bad and I could eat one, I also pair it with baked beans, potato salad, a hot dog, and another hamburger patty. That’s what I ate in one night. Oh and did I forget to mention I had seconds on the beans and potato salad? I did. Then instead of eating the cupcake, I made a couple of s’mores. Not because it was any less fattening. Goodness. That was the weekend of the 4 pound weight gain. Last weekend it was chips and queso, cookies, brisket, cookies, alcohol, more cookies…I was a touch more mindful of what I was putting in my mouth, but not enough to skip the crap. I guess I don’t want to always have to think about what I’m eating. I want to have fun and eat like everyone else. Unfortunately, I’m not everyone else’s size. And I have a problem with food and wanting to eat it all. Especially the really bad for you crap that seems to taste really good at the time until you weigh and it’s not food. I know I’ll get there. I’ve done it before. I’m just tired of the up and down and losing the same pounds that I’ve already lost. Before. Maybe it’s ticked me off for the last time so this weekend when I start to put something crappy in my mouth I’ll remember all the sweat and hard work it takes to even lose just one pound. I’m not going to reach my goals if I keep going back and revisiting evicted weight.

Speaking of weight, what is really remarkable in this post and possibly others, is how free I am to mention what I weigh. I don’t mind telling people, you, what I weigh. I used to. It used to embarrass the shit out of me because I had allowed myself to get so big. Hot tears of humiliation anytime I stood on the scale. (Imagine that…me and tears! Ha) Now I know that I’m not staying at that number. I know it’s just a temporary stop on my way to an even smaller number. A number that I don’t ever really remember weighing. I know at one point on my way to bigtown I was that size. I just don’t remember. It seems like I’ve been really overweight my entire life. While that’s not okay, the important thing right now is to remember and know that I am not settling. I’m going to continue on towards my goal. Even with these past weekend set backs. I am going to be a success.

No more yo-yo for me. Unless it’s made by Duncan and I bought it at the store. 🙂

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7 months.

7 months. 212 days. 5088 hours. 305,280 minutes.  18,316,800 seconds.

That is how long I’ve been going to the gym. I officially started on October 21, 2013. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but that will be a favorite day of mine for the rest of my life. It’s the day I started making changes for the better in my life. I haven’t done it alone, not by a long shot, but I showed up that day ready to do whatever I was told to make my life worth living. To make my life joyous, enjoyable. Hell, to make ME all of those things. I can’t believe 7 months has already passed. Sometimes I feel like I started yesterday and other times I feel like I’ve been doing this for a long time. It has been  hard, exciting, scary, emotional,  and frustrating. I’ve laughed and cried. (a lot) I’ve learned that I can do a lot of things. All you have to do is know you can do it. Just try. I’ve amazed myself at the exercises I’ve done. Some I like more than others. Some I wonder who in the world came up with these, hello burpees? And how did they settle on that name?

I started off not knowing what to expect. Picture someone so out of shape it was a struggle to tie her shoes. Getting winded putting on tennis shoes! Someone who was ashamed to go to new places or just to go out and have fun. Worried about what people would say about her size. People are incredibly cruel and making fat jokes or fun of fat people is a widely accepted form of discrimination. It’s hurtful. Anyway, back to it…Jake was willing to take this person (me) and see what she could do. What they could do together. Well, together we have gotten rid of 62 pounds. Hopefully more when I weigh in on Friday. Either way, I’m on a path to a healthier life. An enjoyable life. I no longer get winded putting on my shoes. I can fit in chairs better. I move easier. I even shower easier. TMI I’m sure, but whatever. 🙂

I know I’ve said this multiple times before, but I never thought at this time last year I would be where I am today. Lighter, happier, and excited about the journey I’m on. It’s a lifestyle change and it’s definitely changing my life. It’s not all moonlight and roses but I wouldn’t trade any frustration or tear shed for anything. It’s still tough to pass up food or make the better choice, but I’m willing to keep on doing it. I have to for the results I want. I’m not sure if I’ve said it publicly, but my ultimate goal is to get to 200 pounds. I have 222 pounds to lose. That is a lot and it will take a little time but it always reminds me of that saying or joke “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time” I’ll get there one pound at a time.

If you are in the same boat that I was or maybe not so big, but still need to lose weight – Just know that YOU can do it. Just start with that one step. Or get out of the car at the gym. No one there is paying attention to you anyway. At least not in a negative way. 🙂

Here’s to the next 7 months and all they bring! I can’t wait.

Futility.

fu·til·i·ty

[ fyoo tíllətee ]

1.pointlessness: lack of usefulness or effectiveness

2.pointless action: an action that has no use, purpose, or effect

Yesterday was a lesson in futility. Funny, I’ve heard that phrase before, but had to actually look up the meaning to make sure I was using it correctly. Anyway, I woke up at 4:30 to go to the gym. Lauren was going to try and make it so I made a few phone calls to wake her up and see what’s what. No answer, not surprised because Hello! It was 4:30 in the morning. I continue gettng ready and heard back that she didn’t really sleep much so she’s taking a pass on the gym but will walk around her block for exercise. Awesome! Then my next thought was, ‘Should I even go to the gym?’ Of course I should, but there was a fleeting thought of not going. Jake’s out of town this week so the class was canceled which means I’m riding the bike. Woo Hoo. Not woo hoo. I probably should have done more or I know I should have done more but I just didn’t have my heart in it. I did about 20 – 25 minutes and called it a morning. Here’s the action that set me behind for the entire rest of my day. I was driving down MacArthur towards the house, turned off the radio because the noise was getting to me, and rolled my windows down for the cool breeze. About 2 minutes later I hear this POP and then thud, thud, thud. I immediately thought flat tire and please God don’t let it be a flat because who can I call for help at 5:45 in the morning? I drive a little ways, pull over in a vacant lot, and get out to inspect my tires. They are all fully inflated. Maybe it was just a rock. I get back in, drive a few feet more and continue to hear the thud, thud, thud. I get back out and then notice this giant bolt/screw coming out of my tire. Luckily, it was in there in a way that didn’t let the air out and I was able to make it home. The blessing in this is the tires came from Discount Tires and they do free repairs or replacements. The down side is they are always, always busy and there’s a bit of a wait time. I should have arrived when they opened at 8, but didn’t so I was told it would be about 45 minutes to an hour wait. Not too bad, and what was I going to do? I’m not driving on a tire with a bolt the size of a javelin, no matter how much it’s not letting air escape.

Two hours later, yes I was getting antsy, I’m on my way. (I really do L.O.V.E.  Discount Tires. Always friendly staff and GREAT customer service. Just get there early!) Instead of going straight to work, I stop by the bank to pick up my receipts. 30 minutes later, I’m finally at the window. Our work bank is the slowest bank in the history of banks. Nice people, but good grief they need to pick up the pace. It probably doesn’t help that it’s now 10:45 and I’m still not at work. Okay, so I make it to work at 11. If you know where I work, then you might know that we’ve been having internet issues for a few weeks and it is moving slower than our bank. Almost crawling and at times I wonder if we are on a dial up service. Remember when AOL first came out and everyone was on dial up? Yeah, fun. 95% of my job is done on the internet – the programs I use are internet based. They are big programs. The other program used by co-workers is a large program. If we are all on the internet together, it might be Christmas before anyone gets anything accomplished. Monday is transmittal day for our weekly reports. A 15 minute job took me almost two hours yesterday. To say I was frustrated was a gross understatement. I even teared up because I was getting so pissed at still being at work. (I not only cry out of sadness, happiness, etc, I also get tears from being pissed. Thanks overactive tear ducts. Ha!)  I didn’t leave work until 3:45. 45 minutes past my normal time. I should have been pulling into the gym at that time, but instead I was on my way to change clothes and start driving to the gym.

At this point I think, I really do not want to go to the gym today. I seriously thought about staying home and not going. That’s a first for me since I started this journey almost 7 months ago. Like I really, really weighed the pros/cons on not going. That’s a sign I need to go. So I’m headed that way when my nephew calls needing a ride to work. Since I’m looking for any reason not to do what I’m supposed to do, I jump at the chance for a distraction. Plus, I’m all about helping others. We make it to his job about 4:45 and Lauren is working next door, so why not stop in and say Hi! Just prolonging the inevitable. She treats me to dinner, yummy Garbanzo, and around 5:45 or so, I’m headed to the gym. I’ve missed the TNT class and doing booty exercises with my new gym buddies. Hey if it works, I’ll have a great butt. 🙂 I only rode the bike for 20 minutes and the arc trainer for 25. Stuff I could probably do in my sleep. It worked up a little sweat but nothing like if I had been there for the class. I know I’ll be there for the class on Wed and Thur. It was just a day with one set back after another.

It was definitely a lesson in futility. One cause had a myriad of effects. I wonder if it was a lesson in patience? Or how to really go with the flow when you can’t control outside influences? All in all the day was fine. Nothing tragic happened. I got my tire fixed, finished my work, and made it to the gym. It was just on a different time table. It all felt futile. Kind of like the writing of this post. 🙂

 

On a different note, know of anyone that wants to buy a 2003 Isuzu Rodeo? $500 cash. It does need a new head gasket, but has a brand new radiator, battery, thermostat, hoses, and 4 tires with less than 10,000 miles on them. It would be great for someone to fix for a teenager or whatever. Let me know.

Thank You.

Jake – for all the time and energy you have given to help me get my life healthy. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally. (Thanks for all the kleenex and for not running in the other direction when I have those tears in my eyes.) You are my hero.

Nicole – for always being so encouraging since the very beginning of this journey. You are a treasure. Thank you for praying for me and with me.

Kristi – for answering Jake’s post on facebook back in October 2013. Without that, none of this would have started. You have a key part in saving my life. I am eternally thankful for that and I love you so much.

William, Lauren, Patrick, and Brooke – for listening to me talk non-stop about what exercises I’m learning, how much weight I’ve lost (62 lbs as of today 5/16/14!) or gained, for being some of my biggest cheerleaders and always being excited when I’ve accomplished my next goal. I love you all so much and appreciate you more than you will ever know.

Facebook friends/family – Thank you too for putting up with my numerous weight loss/work out posts. There have been a few (to say the least) and so far no one has told me to knock it off. 🙂 You’re words of encouragement are truly special.

Mom – Thank you for having me. 🙂 And putting up with me, and encouraging me, and telling me to get over it when things just aren’t where I want them to be. “More” – GUP.

And probably the biggest Thank You to God for making all of this possible. I know I’ve said this before but I never thought I would be where I am right this very minute. Losing weight, living healthier, and just living a joyous life. It’s not all peaches and cream but it’s pretty awesome.

Believe in yourself.

When you’ve had people throughout your life tell you that you are less than the best, it’s hard to believe in yourself. These people can come in the form of family members, friends, kids at school, co-workers, etc. It can completely take the wind out of your sails. Over time you might think, maybe they are right. Maybe I’m not that great at ____ or I’m not worth ____. To quote Pretty Woman, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.” Well, that’s bullshit. You are worthy. You are priceless. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. As long as I can remember I’ve had at least one person ‘remind’ me that I’m just not good enough or I don’t measure up. It might not be so plain in the form of them saying “You aren’t good enough”, it can be in their disapproving looks or backhanded compliments, or scoffing at something you’ve said or done. Whatever it is, you have to have faith and know that you are a priceless individual and you have value. God doesn’t make junk. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. There is something I do in the gym every week that I think, I can’t do that or this. Who says? How do I know I can’t unless I try? I hear a lot that ‘I can’t get up that early to workout’ or ‘I don’t have the motivation that you do’, or blah, blah blah….How do you know? You have to believe in yourself.

I amaze myself all the time with the things I am doing. Did you know I did deadlifts of 145 pounds the other day? I did it 6 times when at first I was laughing thinking that I would be doing good to lift that much weight even once. Jake believed I could do it so I thought why not? Now I want to see if I can move up to 150 pounds. No I’m not looking at being the next Hulk nor do I want to be some muscle bound chick that looks more like a guy. 🙂 It’s a challenge to see what I can do and believe that I can do it. I was asked by Jake a few weeks ago to lead The Break on Saturday afternoon. Me, leading bible study? I was terrified and stressed about it all day long kind of hoping that no one would show up and then as it got closer to the time, I wanted at least one person to show up to see if I could actually do it. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. Two ladies showed up and we ended up talking for an hour. I don’t think I said anything earth shattering or anything, but I did it. Someone believed I could do it and I ended up believing in myself.

There are a couple of quotes that I think about from time to time.

“No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

“You have brains in your head. Feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr. Seuss

You are the author of your story. Do you really want to listen to someone else tell you who you are? Who does God say you are?  You are a masterpiece. You are handpicked by God. You are loved. You are a person of extreme value and significance. Dust off your disbelief and know you can do it. Just try. Try it once and prove to yourself that you. It doesn’t have to be specific to working out or going to the gym. Apply it to all areas of your life.

Just believe in yourself.

 

Gym noises.

There are common noises in every gym. The sound of weights being used, people talking, the whir of the machines, running on treadmills, possibly even music, etc. What gets me every time is the dreaded fat slaps. My fat slaps to be exact. They haven’t made their presence known for a long time but decided they had been in hiding long enough. They made an appearance on Friday afternoon. I was politely sitting on the bench, pulling down weights, when those uninvited guests showed up. The chicken fat on my arms. You know the part that waves on it’s own when you move your arms. Yeah, there it was saying Hello, I’m back. Ha! In the beginning of this journey I would have died of humiliation (and sort of did). Now I laugh it off, make jokes,  and still sort of die from humiliation. It is embarrassing and I do not like it one bit,  but it’s going to be a part of this until it isn’t and that chicken fat is a thing of the past. It’s slowly going away and while I wish it would disappear overnight, I know it’s going to take some time. Patience. I keep reminding myself it’s not always going to be there and even now it’s getting a little less. I’m noticing that while it’s still squishy, it’s not as squishy as it was this time last year. It’s a little more firm than before. That’s a great thing.

Being able to laugh at yourself and find humor in embarrassing situations is key. Especially when working out. Funny things are going to happen. Whether it’s your fat slapping together or almost falling backwards from kettle bell swings (that happened too), it’s part of life. So when those lovely fat slaps return, and I’m sure they will, I’ll laugh it off and know that one day they will not crash the party.

Take Notice.

I was driving away from the gym this afternoon when I looked down and noticed how far away my stomach is from the steering wheel. For me, this is a big deal. For starters, my stomach has always touched the steering wheel. I can’t think of a car that I’ve driven where it hasn’t touched or downright rested on the steering wheel. When I got the car I have now, a lovely Dodge Charger (Woo Hoo!), it was still touching. I remember after I had been working out for a while when I got in my car and noticed I was further away and I could fit a couple of fingers between the wheel and my stomach. I remember floating to work that morning. Cloud 9 couldn’t touch me. That was the first time I could tell that this whole exercise thing was working. It became a benchmark for me. Anyone that rode in my car, I would show them, “Look my stomach isn’t sitting on the steering wheel” or “I can almost fit three fingers between the wheel and my belly. I started taking pictures on my phone to record the progress. I remember showing Jake and anyone else who would look, about the progress I was making. I still randomly take a picture. I did yesterday. Especially after weighing Monday and seeing those damn three pounds back on the scale. I need that reminder that I have made great progress and to keep focus on the bigger picture.

When the scale isn’t being my friend, I can still see that my clothes are ridiculously baggy (I soo need to buy some new duds), I can breathe easier, tie my shoes without a second thought, move easier. Hell, I’m living better than I ever have in my life. It’s not an easy road to walk. If it was, there wouldn’t be an obesity problem in this country. I’ve worked my butt off for every pound lost. I’ve stumbled along the way but I haven’t let those speed bumps derail me. I still notice so many differences in me now than I ever have before. And that is pretty remarkable.

By the way, I weighed again today and I’m back to 427. Take that corn dog and Indian taco. Think I can lose 4 pounds by tomorrow?  🙂

Cheaters never win.

We learn this growing up…cheaters never win. In losing weight people say “Oh it’s okay to have a cheat day.” Meaning that you can eat ‘forbidden’ foods and all will be okay. This is not the case. At least not for me. I had such a day on Saturday. I was in Prague at the Kolache Festival taking pictures and I gave in and ate an extra long corn dog AND Indian taco. At the same time. My sister and I jokingly said “go big or go home.” I should have gone home.  🙂 Seriously what I should have done was possibly pick either/or, not both. Or better yet, I should have brought my own snacks and lunch from home. I topped off that day by eating dessert on Sunday at a family dinner. (not just one dessert, but several) I don’t really know what gets into my head. I actually just saw a quote on Facebook that read

“Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.” Zig Zigler

That can get the best of us. We I think that one little something isn’t going to hurt or I listen to someone else say, “You’ve been working out so hard. You deserve a break.” I’m working out so hard because I have specific goals that I want to reach by a specific date. These goals do not involve eating corn dogs, Indian tacos, chocolate cake, and whatever that delicious thing was that Lauren made. Chocolate something. This cheat weekend cost me three pounds. THREE POUNDS! Do you have any idea how hard you have to work out to lose one pound? And I went and gained three. I know it will come off. Looking back though, that food wasn’t that good. Not as good as losing weight feels. I used to laugh at that phrase. “It doesn’t taste as good as skinny feels.” I’m no where near skinny, but losing weight definitely feels much better than eating a damn taco.

I’m back on track with eating this week and I have faith the scale will reflect that on Friday. I just need to remember this the next time I give in to the nagging voice in my head or listen to someone else tell me it’s alright to have ___________. Cheating definitely didn’t make me a winner this weekend. Cheaters never win.

Slowly but surely…

This weight is coming off! I am down another two pounds this week which means I am 3 pounds away from being 60 pounds lighter since I started at the gym. What an amazing feeling! When I weighed this morning at first I was like, “only two pounds?!?” because of how much work it took to get rid of those two pounds but then I have to remember that I lost two pounds! I didn’t gain, I didn’t stay the same, I lost! And in this case, I love losing. I am now at 427 and even though that is a big number, it’s not the 500 plus I was last year. I am moving in the right direction. Moving being the key word. I am moving all the time and it’s paying off.

Keep in mind, there isn’t anything extraordinary about what I’m doing. I’m not drinking a magic potion, I’m not better than the next person, basically I’m just a regular person that wants to lose weight more than anything. That is my motivation (I guess.) to keep showing up. To keep pushing forward. To ignore the aches and sore muscles. You have it too. You just have to find it. You have to want it more than you don’t want it. It’s definitely hard and there are days when I haven’t felt like what I’m doing is worth it, but I read something today that was great. It was this:

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, all the fears you have overcome.”

So remember that when you think you can’t do it or you’ve tweaked your wrist (AGAIN!) and it adds a little something to your workouts. You CAN do it. Slowly but surely! Have an awesome day and be blessed.