It’s been a tough week. Mentally. Ever since the other night when I let what those jerks said bother me, I’ve been struggling. It seems like there’s been one comment after another, either by someone else or by me, that I have let take up space. First it was the store, then the clothing store and trying on clothes, then this kid at Target. I was checking out the baby section and I heard this little boy chatting it up with his mom. I sometimes cringe when I hear kids at the store because I know what’s coming. They came around the corner and he said, “That lady is HUGE!” More than a few times. I, of course, pretend like I can’t hear him and his mother is immediately pulling him to the other aisle. I hear her tell him how you do not say that about people and how it can hurt their feelings. Way to go mom. 🙂 It still doesn’t ease the fact that I wish the floor would have swallowed me up in that instant. I know he’s just a kid and kids always state the obvious, so why do I let it bother me? Why have I let everything bother me this week? I can usually do a good job of ignoring or not letting it get to me that much, but this week has been one big epic fail. I’ve let my confidence slip and while I haven’t come completely off the rails, I have thought on a couple of occassions that maybe I’m not worth it. Which is bullshit. Deep down I know all of this is worth it and one day there won’t be any outward appearance for people to comment on or maybe it will be something different. You know btg, before the gym, I would have made myself feel ‘better’ by eating my way through it. That’s how I got to be over 500lbs. Eating to feel better. That too is bullshit. Over eat, feel like crap, over eat some more. Vicious cycle. I haven’t made the best choices this week but it hasn’t been completely off track either. I had a possibly impossible goal of getting to 389 by August 1st. That’s tomorrow and when I weighed in this morning I was at 396. One pound down since last Friday. Bummer. I wonder if it’s self sabotage? Like eventhough I know this is the best thing for me, I still go back to thinking I don’t deserve the good things. I know it will get better. This week will end and I’ll move on from the negativity. I’ll get back on track and work out even harder. (this week has been lax in that dept too.) Maybe it’s just an off week. Whatever it is, I need to focus and just keep swimming.
Month: July 2014
3-D.
Discrimination. It’s out there. In all forms. Whether it’s discrimination due to race, gender, height, social standing, etc. it exists. The discrimination I’m writing about is discrimination against fat people. You know it’s the widest accepted form of discrimination in the world. Fat jokes are rampant and everyone has one, heard one, told one, etc. I’m guilty of it myself. I’ve told many fat jokes in my day. It doesn’t make it any better or give me a pass since I am fat. The reason I’m bringing this up is this…the other night I was at the grocery store late at night picking up sausage biscuits and toaster strudel for my grandmother’s breakfast the next morning. (that lady does NOT eat right.) It’s late enough that the store crew is there stocking shelves. Everything is pulled out in the aisles and you’re trying to dodge them while making your way to your designated areas. Anyway, there is a group of guys working at the end of one of the aisles and I dread walking through them. Yes I’ve lost a bunch of weight, but I’m still overweight. I muster courage I don’t really have and walk with my head high through the group. I’m always polite and say excuse me, smile, all that good stuff. I walk through them and one of them says, “Man that’s one big mama right there.” And they all laugh or make comments. I am immediately on the defensive and turn around and glare at them. Dicks. In the flash of a comment I immediately felt less than. I allowed these jerks to make me feel like I’m just a walrus walking through the store. It’s not the first time nor will it probably be the last that someone makes a comment like that regarding my weight. They don’t know how much hard work I’ve put in these past 8 months to lose the weight I have or what I’ve changed in my life to get to where I am or continue to where I want to be. All they see is someone who is overweight. Someone they can make a comment about and get a laugh. They don’t see someone’s daughter, sister, Aunt, friend. A person. Someone with feelings that can hear what they said. They just saw the weight I’m carrying. I know at 40 I shouldn’t let stuff like that bother me. But it still does. It still hurts my feelings. Eventhough I know the work I’ve done to get rid of this weight, I can let some dumb comment make me feel like I haven’t done anything, or enough. Growing up, I was teased like you wouldn’t believe. (or maybe you would.) Not only was I teased for being oveweight, I’m also tall. You name it, I’ve probably heard it. All throughout school and clear into high school I was made fun of for being fat. As an adult I still get made fun of and I think mean kids just grow up to be mean adults. I guess the point to this post is this…be mindful the next time you laugh at a comment, make a comment, etc of the person that you are talking about. You might not know them but they are someone’s loved one and they have feelings just like you. I’ll try and remember that as well. 🙂
Discouraged. I went shopping yesterday. To a store that I haven’t been able to shop at in I don’t know how many years. I was sent a gift card by an anonymous friend. I have a decent idea of who sent it, but that’s not really the point. The point is, I have money to spend and the coupon that came with the card expired yesterday so I had to use it. I had high hopes of finding something cute to wear on this shrinking body of mine. The longer I was in the store though, the more discouraged I became. I pick out size 28 in a couple pants and shirts. I said to my mom and sister that I’m sure none of this stuff is going to fit. They were great cheerleaders and said I might be surprised. I make my way to the fitting room and wouldn’t you know it, I could get the clothes on. They all looked better on the hanger than on me, but I could get them on and I was surprised. The shirts were too short and my stomach peeked out below. One of the pants I couldn’t button and my calves made the other pair look weird. That’s where my discouraged thinking came into play. I lost sight of the fact that I could actually walk in to that store and try on their clothes. What I soon saw was that I’m still too fat to be shopping there. This doesn’t look right, this short is too clingy, whatever. It brought me down. Quicker than I would like to admit. Here I am, 100 lbs lighter, and I’m shopping at a plus size store that isn’t Margie’s Tent Barn and all I can think about is, I’m too fat blah, blah, blah. You know what? I may not have been able to purchase those clothes yesterday, but I will soon enough and they are going to look smashing. That’s what I need to remember when things like that happen. I did however purchase 3 new bras and 3 pairs of panties. So THANK YOU to my secret friend(s). I couldn’t have done that without you. You were a big help.
Determination. I am so determined to get this weight off. I have goals to meet. The first one being my driver’s license weight by August 1st. I weighed in this morning at 395 so that means I have 6 lbs to lose this week…by Friday. Ha! I might not make it, but that’s what I’ll have in mind when all I can think about is a bacon cheeseburger and chocolate cake. (what’s that about anyway?!?!?!) I have 195 lbs to lose to make it to my overall goal of weighing 200. Ideally, according to my doctor, for my height I should weigh 180. I’ll think about that when I make it to 200. I am determined to succeed and reach my goals. Despite the comments I hear from people or the comments I hear from myself. Part of me definitely wants to lose all this weight just to show them up. More importantly, I want to lose all this weight to show myself that I can. To live the life I’ve always wanted. To not have weight be the first thought and every thought. That right there will make me the lightest girl in the world.
No matter where you are in your journey, if you’re even on one, don’t give up, don’t let negative comments get to you, and always know you are of value. 🙂
Finally…a picture.
Okay, so here is my first side by side comparison. The 2013 photo was taken for my audition to be on Extreme Makeover Weight loss edition. I weighed 500+ lbs and that’s actually what I looked like when I started at the gym in October. The second photo was taken this morning, 7/23/14 and I currently weigh 397 lbs. While I still have a lot of weight to lose to get to my overall goal, I can’t believe how far I’ve come in a short amount of time. I’ve been at the gym for 9 months now and I cannot wait to see how much my today picture is going to change in the next 9 months. In looking at last year’s photo, it makes me teary eyed because how could I have let myself get to that point? It makes me sad for the Sara of last year. But you can’t spend your time in the past. What’s done is done and all you can do is continue to move forward and make better choices. You deserve better. I deserve better.
Mental Case and a Week/end Wrap Up.
Happy Monday party people! Did you have a good weekend? I did. Scratch that. I had a great weekend. Curious what I did? Good, I’ll tell you all about it. Saturday I had the honor of babysitting B. She’s my 7 month old niece and man is she a honey! When I pick up my camera to take her picture she makes the funniest faces and gets her ‘pretty face’ ready. She is a hoot! Later that evening I again had the honor of going to a gender reveal party for Jake & Nicole. She’s pregnant with their little miracle baby and everyone found out at the same time that they are expecting a sweet baby girl. It was a great party! They already have a precious 5 yr old and to say she’s excited about having a sister is an understatement. It is so cute to witness how over the moon she really is for her little sister. Kids are great. Speaking of, I should have said at the beginning of the weekend my nieces came to stay for the weekend. Love those girls so much and it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve seen them. They are growing up so fast. It would be nice if time would slow down just a smidge. 🙂
Sunday was a phenominal day. It was the day for the church cookout and baptisms. When it was first mentioned a few weeks ago, I thought that it would be a great thing to get baptized. I know I was baptized when I was a child, but I don’t remember it and I think now that I’m older and learning more about God it would have a deeper meaning. Basically it means more now. But then I started thinking that I would be a fraud because I don’t know a lot about the bible. I thought I had to know x,y,&z about all of it before being baptized. So I put it out of my mind and thought one day I will. One day when I know more. Then I talked to Jake on Friday about my reservations and he pretty much squashed whatever they were and so I told him that I wanted to get baptized. Of course, me being me, I was super nervous from that moment on. But like it was pointed out to me on Saturday evening, everything that I have been super nervous about lately has turned into great things. True. Sunday morning came and goodness I was a bundle of nerves. Hands shaking, couldn’t hold onto a thought, felt like I was going to throw up, all of it. I even backed into Jake & Nicole’s car when we were all leaving for the lake. Thankfully no damage or injuries. Then once at the lake I pinched my finger in my camera bag clasp. Good grief! I needed to calm down. It was a pretty good turn out which on one hand is a good thing, on the other hand and personally, it didn’t do anything to calm my nerves. My nieces and Lauren were there and my brother William and nephew Brady came as well. That was a lovely surprise. Lauren said she was glad I was so nervous because it meant I was taking it seriously. Once it started I was calm. Well, okay. Once I was in the water and Jake started talking, I was calm. It really was such a cool experience and I will be forever thankful that I did it. I joked sometime during the week about how when you come up out of the water will there be rainbows and bright lights but there really is just this calm feeling. Could be that I was just relaxed that it was done, but I feel like it was more than it just being complete. It’s not really something I can explain, but the rest of the day was amazing. Great times with really good great friends. I really feel like I am making life long connections. That is truly amazing.
Now for the mental case. Losing weight. Yes it’s a physical process but I believe it’s 95% mental. You have to completely change the way you think about eating, how you see yourself, how you think or feel about exercising, etc. Once you’re at the gym, working out is easy. Well, not completely easy or you’re doing it wrong or not enough, but I mean once you’re there, the hardest part is accomplished. It’s the getting there that is hard. I haven’t really felt that in going to the gym, but it can apply to all sorts of places. Coming to work, going grocery shopping, doctor’s appts, etc. Once you get there, you’re on easy street. (again, I know there is work involved, but you get it right?) In the gym, you might as well work out. You got in your car, drove all that way, you can do anything for 30 seconds. At least. Get your mind in the right place and there is no stopping you on what you can do. It doesn’t have to do with just driving to a gym. It’s your mental state where food is concerned. I’ve had an issue with food for forever. Happy, sad, mad, etc food was there. When you’re losing weight you have to view it as a means to keep on living. Not something fun or as an event. It’s what keeps you alive. That’s it. Yes, you want to eat tasty stuff, but healthy can be pretty tasty. You’re eating to live, not living to eat. If and or when the scale isn’t your friend, don’t beat yourself up. It’s just a number and it’s not going to stay on that set of numbers forever. If you know you’ve had a good week and the numbers don’t reflect that, you might have built up muscle. Don’t get hung up on the number. (I’m talking to myself here too.) I’m hanging out at 402 right now. It’s driving me nuts because it seems like I’ve been here for a while. I have three pounds to lose until I’m in the 300’s. I thought for sure I would get there last week, but it didn’t happen. While I was bummed that it didn’t happen, I’m not beating myself up because I know it will happen. I’m not letting anything negative influence me where I might have before, like eating to feel better. That doesn’t work. Never does, never will. It’s going to happen this week. I just know it. I’m working on not being a mental case.
Great things are happening in my life and not just in the weigh loss department. I hope great things are happening for you. Don’t focus on the negative. Positive thoughts lead to positive action. You can do it. Whatever the ‘it’ is. Have a lovely day party people!
Finding Sarandipity 