Just Keep Swimming.

It’s been a tough week. Mentally. Ever since the other night when I let what those jerks said bother me, I’ve been struggling. It seems like there’s been one comment after another, either by someone else or by me, that I have let take up space. First it was the store, then the clothing store and trying on clothes, then this kid at Target. I was checking out the baby section and I heard this little boy chatting it up with his mom. I sometimes cringe when I hear kids at the store because I know what’s coming. They came around the corner and he said, “That lady is HUGE!” More than a few times. I, of course, pretend like I can’t hear him and his mother is immediately pulling him to the other aisle. I hear her tell him how you do not say that about people and how it can hurt their feelings. Way to go mom. 🙂 It still doesn’t ease the fact that I wish the floor would have swallowed me up in that instant. I know he’s just a kid and kids always state the obvious, so why do I let it bother me? Why have I let everything bother me this week? I can usually do a good job of ignoring or not letting it get to me that much, but this week has been one big epic fail. I’ve let my confidence slip and while I haven’t come completely off the rails, I have thought on a couple of occassions that maybe I’m not worth it. Which is bullshit. Deep down I know all of this is worth it and one day there won’t be any outward appearance for people to comment on or maybe it will be something different. You know btg, before the gym, I would have made myself feel ‘better’ by eating my way through it. That’s how I got to be over 500lbs. Eating to feel better. That too is bullshit. Over eat, feel like crap, over eat some more. Vicious cycle. I haven’t made the best choices this week but it hasn’t been completely off track either. I had a possibly impossible goal of getting to 389 by August 1st. That’s tomorrow and when I weighed in this morning I was at 396. One pound down since last Friday. Bummer. I wonder if it’s self sabotage? Like eventhough I know this is the best thing for me, I still go back to thinking I don’t deserve the good things. I know it will get better. This week will end and I’ll move on from the negativity. I’ll get back on track and work out even harder. (this week has been lax in that dept too.) Maybe it’s just an off week. Whatever it is, I need to focus and just keep swimming.

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2 thoughts on “Just Keep Swimming.

  1. first of all i love that you share your heart and vulnerability so openly. a couple of things i have seen recently that i was reminded of with your blog: one was
    “Make your mess your message. Tell people about your struggles, shortcomings, your big failures. You don’t have to have your stuff together all the time in order to help someone. You just need to help them get from A to B. Often, seeing you go through the same struggles + same feelings of inadequacy makes people more eager to learn from you. Do you want to learn from someone where everything came easy, or someone that hustled every day, and went through the same things as you?”

    and the other was

    “when you are disappointed, don’t stay on the same page.”

    thank you for sharing your struggles, and regardless of who we are, we all have feelings of inadequacy that rip at our hearts, and you are moving forward, definitely not staying on the same page. stay strong, sista. you are loved. you are worthy. you are enough!

    • Thanks Deb! I rarely feel like I have my stuff together and if it helps someone else by reading that, then Woo Hoo! Hope all is well with you.
      Sara

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