365 days.

365 days. One year of time. A lot can happen in that one year…those 365 days. For me, the past 365 days have been life changing. I’ve said it before, but October 21, 2013 is one of my all time favorite dates. It was the first day of my very first workout. I’ve written about it before, but I still vividly remember how absolutely scared I was walking into the gym that day. I really didn’t have a plan or a thought about how long I was going to do this or any expectations. I made it through that day and have made it through every day since then. Some days have been filled with tears of frustration, while others have held tears of joy and excitement. It’s been an interesting journey thus far. I’ve learned that I love working out. I never in my life thought my name would ever been associated with fitness. Now, I do it everyday. (well except Sunday) It’s become a part of my life and a year ago I couldn’t imagine doing it, now I can’t imagine not doing it. This past month or so has been tough because I let doubt creep in and old thoughts/habits. I was losing the battle or actually thought about giving up because I wasn’t worth all the sacrifice and hard work. I know I am worthy. It’s a day to day process. Sometimes hour by hour. I’m undoing  a lifetime of bad decisions and poor planning. I didn’t think on October 21, 2013 that on today, exactly one year later, I would be 112lbs lighter. Yes, I still have a road ahead of me, but I know today that I will accomplish those goals. I have 180lbs to go and I know with continued hard work, I am going to reach that goal.

So what’s happened in a year’s time? I’ve made some amazing friends, learned how strong I am (mentally & physically), cried more than I thought possible, continued to laugh through some of those tears, realized fears and tried to put them to rest. I’ve discovered that even though I’m not perfect (shocker!) I have the grace of God and no matter what, that will never change. I’ve lost and gained, and lost again. This is a life change. I hope to help others who have a weight problem and help them realize how wonderful they are despite carrying some extra pounds.

Jake said yesterday “weight is not an issue.” It doesn’t look like much when I type it out, but it was like a cannon going off in my mind. It isn’t an issue. I make it one by allowing it to limit what I do and don’t do. Yes I have extra weight but that’s not who I am. I saw a quote the other day. It said “You are not fat. You have fat. You have fingernails, you are not fingernails.” There is a difference. For so long I’ve always identified as being fat. ‘The fat one’, the ‘quiet’ one…I’m finally realizing that’s not who I am. It’s just something that I have. It’s taken a year for that to finally sink in, but it’s registering.

It’s definitely been quite a year. Thanks to my awesome cheerleaders, family, and friends. Thanks for reading my many posts about losing weight and continually encouraging me along the way. Your support is so appreciated.

Thanks to Jake for taking that chance on me a year ago. He gave me an opportunity to change my life and is always teaching me to value myself. He and Nicole have become family and I just can’t thank them enough for the difference they have made in my life.

I’m excited to see what the next 365 days hold.

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Choices.

Hey there! Long time, no write. I got side tracked. I lost focus. Almost gave up. I almost chose to quit the gym this week. Thankfully I have some determined cheerleaders in my corner that talked me from the ledge. I’ve felt lost lately, just kind of like not really knowing why I’m doing this or rather, not feeling like I’m worth doing this. Not worthy of all the hard work and dedication. It’s definitely easier to give up. To give in. To say, to hell with all this…I’m going to eat what I want and just stay overweight forever. I was choosing to take the easy path. I was choosing to not believe in myself. I’ve felt like a fraud for a few weeks too. Everyone around me is going on about how great I look and how my new clothes make it to where you can really tell I’ve lost weight. I smile and say thanks but I felt like a fraud. Like I wasn’t worthy of their compliments. Why is that? I should smile and feel amazing. My hard work is paying off. People are taking notice. I guess I didn’t feel worthy because I knew I was giving up. I knew that eventually they would see I was eating a little more here and there or if not eating more, I was eating the ‘wrong things’. They would eventually see I started wearing my bigger clothes again instead of my slimmer, prettier clothes. I haven’t totally gone back to the way I was almost 12 months ago, but I definitely recognized I was headed to that path. Part of it is I don’t feel like I have any accountability. My trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas to be with his wife while she fought for her life and the life of their (then) unborn daughter. (Thankfully she is here and thriving! His wife is doing so much better too! God is great.) So my someone to answer to wasn’t around and I guess it was one of those, while the cat’s away, the mice will play kind of thing? I’ve slacked off in a major way and that’s not okay with me. I’m mad at myself and more than a little worried. Logically I know I have only myself to answer to and I’m doing this for myself, but I haven’t trusted myself to do what I need to do without having someone watching over me. I’ve let my past creep in and go back to old habits of eating when I’m upset/mad/worried…I’ve been frustrated in the gym and with life in general. I went on a couple job interviews and nothing came of it, I’m not where I want to be personally, and blah, blah, blah. I shared my fears/worries with a couple of people and I check in with one of them daily. I was asked some tough questions about why I felt unmotivated, not worthy, and what did I think God thought of me. Honestly I felt like God saw me as a failure because I was giving up (almost), and not valuing myself. I’ve just felt unworthy. I know it sounds silly, but feelings are pretty powerful.

So here I am back at 392lbs. I’m setting short term goals as well as long term goals. First off, I am going to get back to 388lbs. That’s my goal for this next week. My daily goal is to be in the gym back to my regular schedule. I am switching it up a little bit by going in earlier in the morning. I want to go to the 5:30 p.m. classes in the evenings but I’m worried if I don’t go right after work I’ll sit at home and think of reasons to not go that day. (there are always a million of those.) I think I have something in place that will work. I’m going to try it out Monday and see where I end up. My long term goal is to lose the rest of this weight. I have 180lbs to go. I’ve lost 112 so far and did it within a year, so as I push myself to continue, I know I will kick the rest of this weight to the curb. I really just need to stop letting this weight get in my way. Stop letting myself get in my way. I have some amazing friends/family, a host of cheerleaders, and people I’m not even aware of who are pulling for me. We will continue on this journey together. It’s hard, but I can do it.  I am choosing to love me and be the best me I can.