Choices.

Hey there! Long time, no write. I got side tracked. I lost focus. Almost gave up. I almost chose to quit the gym this week. Thankfully I have some determined cheerleaders in my corner that talked me from the ledge. I’ve felt lost lately, just kind of like not really knowing why I’m doing this or rather, not feeling like I’m worth doing this. Not worthy of all the hard work and dedication. It’s definitely easier to give up. To give in. To say, to hell with all this…I’m going to eat what I want and just stay overweight forever. I was choosing to take the easy path. I was choosing to not believe in myself. I’ve felt like a fraud for a few weeks too. Everyone around me is going on about how great I look and how my new clothes make it to where you can really tell I’ve lost weight. I smile and say thanks but I felt like a fraud. Like I wasn’t worthy of their compliments. Why is that? I should smile and feel amazing. My hard work is paying off. People are taking notice. I guess I didn’t feel worthy because I knew I was giving up. I knew that eventually they would see I was eating a little more here and there or if not eating more, I was eating the ‘wrong things’. They would eventually see I started wearing my bigger clothes again instead of my slimmer, prettier clothes. I haven’t totally gone back to the way I was almost 12 months ago, but I definitely recognized I was headed to that path. Part of it is I don’t feel like I have any accountability. My trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas to be with his wife while she fought for her life and the life of their (then) unborn daughter. (Thankfully she is here and thriving! His wife is doing so much better too! God is great.) So my someone to answer to wasn’t around and I guess it was one of those, while the cat’s away, the mice will play kind of thing? I’ve slacked off in a major way and that’s not okay with me. I’m mad at myself and more than a little worried. Logically I know I have only myself to answer to and I’m doing this for myself, but I haven’t trusted myself to do what I need to do without having someone watching over me. I’ve let my past creep in and go back to old habits of eating when I’m upset/mad/worried…I’ve been frustrated in the gym and with life in general. I went on a couple job interviews and nothing came of it, I’m not where I want to be personally, and blah, blah, blah. I shared my fears/worries with a couple of people and I check in with one of them daily. I was asked some tough questions about why I felt unmotivated, not worthy, and what did I think God thought of me. Honestly I felt like God saw me as a failure because I was giving up (almost), and not valuing myself. I’ve just felt unworthy. I know it sounds silly, but feelings are pretty powerful.

So here I am back at 392lbs. I’m setting short term goals as well as long term goals. First off, I am going to get back to 388lbs. That’s my goal for this next week. My daily goal is to be in the gym back to my regular schedule. I am switching it up a little bit by going in earlier in the morning. I want to go to the 5:30 p.m. classes in the evenings but I’m worried if I don’t go right after work I’ll sit at home and think of reasons to not go that day. (there are always a million of those.) I think I have something in place that will work. I’m going to try it out Monday and see where I end up. My long term goal is to lose the rest of this weight. I have 180lbs to go. I’ve lost 112 so far and did it within a year, so as I push myself to continue, I know I will kick the rest of this weight to the curb. I really just need to stop letting this weight get in my way. Stop letting myself get in my way. I have some amazing friends/family, a host of cheerleaders, and people I’m not even aware of who are pulling for me. We will continue on this journey together. It’s hard, but I can do it.  I am choosing to love me and be the best me I can.

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