Did you know I wanted to quit? Quit training, quit helping others, quit the gym. Just up and quit. I should give you the back story that brought me to this thought. Remember how I said back in March (I need to get better at blogging) that I was studying to become a personal trainer? Well, I took the test on 6/9 and failed it. By 5 stupid points. 5 points! Focus…Needless to say, I was devastated when I saw the “did not pass” on the results page. It was to date, the absolute hardest test I’ve ever taken. And I had an extremely tough Biology teacher at Langston. The upside is that I know what to expect when I take it again. I questioned even taking it again. I allowed this test to shatter my confidence and doubt whether I should even continue with training. It was all downhill after that. I was in the middle of a pretty good pity party, depressed, and just ready to give up. I talked a little bit about it with my sisters and I’m sure they were worried. I know they were because they said as much. All it took was one trigger from not passing to start a snowball of doubt. It’s amazing (or crazy) how quickly you (I) can lose focus on what’s good when you only focus on the negative. When your focus is on the stuff you can’t do or didn’t do instead of the good you are accomplishing. I’m definitely way to hard on myself. I think people in general are too hard on themselves. Kristi read something she found on Pinterest. The cliff notes version is this – picture yourself at 5. How would you protect her, right her wrongs, take care of her, wipe her tears, make sure she had fun, provide a loving place, etc…Now…why don’t we do the same when we are adults? You’re just as important at 35 (40, 41, etc) as you are at 5. When I started interning, I forgot about myself and focused on the client. Focusing on the client is good, but you can’t forget yourself. I had almost stopped working out all together. I did a half ass workout here and there, but nothing of real consequence. Okay, maybe two really good workouts, but that’s it. I because all about taking care of others and ignoring me. No bueno.

The other night I was talking to a client and she had some really nice things to say about me. Do you have a hard time accepting compliments too? Anyway, she talked about how much I encouraged her, and because of me, she’s sticking with her workouts and really feels she’s improving. Which she is. It’s awesome to see how far she’s come from where she was at when she started. Her little pep talk, she assures me she wasn’t just blowing smoke, brought back into focus what I should have kept thinking about all along. Look at the positive and forget about the negative. So I didn’t pass a test. Yes, it hurt, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It just means I have to study harder, pay the money to retake it, and master the shit out of it. 🙂 I might not get 100, but the next time I take it, I won’t get a 65 either. Then I can be an official personal trainer. And start working on the Fitness Nutrition Specialist test. Although I have until February 2016. Whew.

I’m focused, back on track, and paying attention to myself. I still have my goals to meet and I will get there. My 2015 goal is to be able to fit into my gym t-shirt. It’s a 3x and I’m currently in a 4x. I want to be able to wear it in public. It will happen. Remain focused and keep moving forward. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be other bumps along the way, but I can hope that it will only be a bump and not a derailment.