418.

As of last Friday, May 30th, that was the number on the scale. Woo Hoo! Considering where I was at last year (over 500) I’ll take it. I can’t believe I’m only 18 pounds from the 300’s. It’s my plan within the next couple of weeks, to make that goal a reality. I had a pretty good weekend and made good food choices. I say it all the time, but I really hope there is a day when it won’t have to be a choice, it will just be an automatic thought. Food addiction is the pits. At times I’ve thought I would rather be addicted to alcohol than food. You don’t need alcohol to survive. Food, you do. Although any addiction is unhealthy and I don’t seriously want an alcohol addiction. I’ve seen what that can do to you and no thanks.

I mentioned to a friend yesterday that I feel like I’m a control nut because I don’t have any control over food. It was said that I seem to have a control over food but I think mostly it’s a good front. Well, not all the time. There are days even entire weeks where I have good or even great control, other times, not so much. I was at a cook out on Saturday and it was a little intimidating because A. it was at my trainer’s house, and B. it was at my trainer’s house. Ha. 🙂 I was fine and had a really nice time (I just adore the people that were there) but I was super aware of what and how much I put on my plate. He even asked if I was going to have any more and I don’t care if I was so hungry I could eat the table, there wasn’t any way I was going back for seconds. It was all really good food and pretty much healthy (except for chips and cookies which I stayed away from…) so I didn’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t let it ruin the good time I had and that is a success in my book. Next time, bring a chair. I’m still too self conscious to sit in the folding chair that was offered. I kept thinking, the legs will sink into the ground, what if it breaks, what if…blah, blah, blah. It will definitely be nice when my weight doesn’t rule 95% of my thinking. When it isn’t something I think about when my feelings get hurt and I want to feel better. That one is actually happening a little less these days. Another success. You know, it might always be something I have to deal with, but it won’t rule how I live. As I learn how to do things differently, it’s going to be easier.

So…how’s that for a rambling post? 🙂 Here’s to reaching 418 and here’s to watching it go away forever. I hope you have a good great week and whatever your struggles may you find the sunshine and be blessed.

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Futility.

fu·til·i·ty

[ fyoo tíllətee ]

1.pointlessness: lack of usefulness or effectiveness

2.pointless action: an action that has no use, purpose, or effect

Yesterday was a lesson in futility. Funny, I’ve heard that phrase before, but had to actually look up the meaning to make sure I was using it correctly. Anyway, I woke up at 4:30 to go to the gym. Lauren was going to try and make it so I made a few phone calls to wake her up and see what’s what. No answer, not surprised because Hello! It was 4:30 in the morning. I continue gettng ready and heard back that she didn’t really sleep much so she’s taking a pass on the gym but will walk around her block for exercise. Awesome! Then my next thought was, ‘Should I even go to the gym?’ Of course I should, but there was a fleeting thought of not going. Jake’s out of town this week so the class was canceled which means I’m riding the bike. Woo Hoo. Not woo hoo. I probably should have done more or I know I should have done more but I just didn’t have my heart in it. I did about 20 – 25 minutes and called it a morning. Here’s the action that set me behind for the entire rest of my day. I was driving down MacArthur towards the house, turned off the radio because the noise was getting to me, and rolled my windows down for the cool breeze. About 2 minutes later I hear this POP and then thud, thud, thud. I immediately thought flat tire and please God don’t let it be a flat because who can I call for help at 5:45 in the morning? I drive a little ways, pull over in a vacant lot, and get out to inspect my tires. They are all fully inflated. Maybe it was just a rock. I get back in, drive a few feet more and continue to hear the thud, thud, thud. I get back out and then notice this giant bolt/screw coming out of my tire. Luckily, it was in there in a way that didn’t let the air out and I was able to make it home. The blessing in this is the tires came from Discount Tires and they do free repairs or replacements. The down side is they are always, always busy and there’s a bit of a wait time. I should have arrived when they opened at 8, but didn’t so I was told it would be about 45 minutes to an hour wait. Not too bad, and what was I going to do? I’m not driving on a tire with a bolt the size of a javelin, no matter how much it’s not letting air escape.

Two hours later, yes I was getting antsy, I’m on my way. (I really do L.O.V.E.  Discount Tires. Always friendly staff and GREAT customer service. Just get there early!) Instead of going straight to work, I stop by the bank to pick up my receipts. 30 minutes later, I’m finally at the window. Our work bank is the slowest bank in the history of banks. Nice people, but good grief they need to pick up the pace. It probably doesn’t help that it’s now 10:45 and I’m still not at work. Okay, so I make it to work at 11. If you know where I work, then you might know that we’ve been having internet issues for a few weeks and it is moving slower than our bank. Almost crawling and at times I wonder if we are on a dial up service. Remember when AOL first came out and everyone was on dial up? Yeah, fun. 95% of my job is done on the internet – the programs I use are internet based. They are big programs. The other program used by co-workers is a large program. If we are all on the internet together, it might be Christmas before anyone gets anything accomplished. Monday is transmittal day for our weekly reports. A 15 minute job took me almost two hours yesterday. To say I was frustrated was a gross understatement. I even teared up because I was getting so pissed at still being at work. (I not only cry out of sadness, happiness, etc, I also get tears from being pissed. Thanks overactive tear ducts. Ha!)  I didn’t leave work until 3:45. 45 minutes past my normal time. I should have been pulling into the gym at that time, but instead I was on my way to change clothes and start driving to the gym.

At this point I think, I really do not want to go to the gym today. I seriously thought about staying home and not going. That’s a first for me since I started this journey almost 7 months ago. Like I really, really weighed the pros/cons on not going. That’s a sign I need to go. So I’m headed that way when my nephew calls needing a ride to work. Since I’m looking for any reason not to do what I’m supposed to do, I jump at the chance for a distraction. Plus, I’m all about helping others. We make it to his job about 4:45 and Lauren is working next door, so why not stop in and say Hi! Just prolonging the inevitable. She treats me to dinner, yummy Garbanzo, and around 5:45 or so, I’m headed to the gym. I’ve missed the TNT class and doing booty exercises with my new gym buddies. Hey if it works, I’ll have a great butt. 🙂 I only rode the bike for 20 minutes and the arc trainer for 25. Stuff I could probably do in my sleep. It worked up a little sweat but nothing like if I had been there for the class. I know I’ll be there for the class on Wed and Thur. It was just a day with one set back after another.

It was definitely a lesson in futility. One cause had a myriad of effects. I wonder if it was a lesson in patience? Or how to really go with the flow when you can’t control outside influences? All in all the day was fine. Nothing tragic happened. I got my tire fixed, finished my work, and made it to the gym. It was just on a different time table. It all felt futile. Kind of like the writing of this post. 🙂

 

On a different note, know of anyone that wants to buy a 2003 Isuzu Rodeo? $500 cash. It does need a new head gasket, but has a brand new radiator, battery, thermostat, hoses, and 4 tires with less than 10,000 miles on them. It would be great for someone to fix for a teenager or whatever. Let me know.

Believe in yourself.

When you’ve had people throughout your life tell you that you are less than the best, it’s hard to believe in yourself. These people can come in the form of family members, friends, kids at school, co-workers, etc. It can completely take the wind out of your sails. Over time you might think, maybe they are right. Maybe I’m not that great at ____ or I’m not worth ____. To quote Pretty Woman, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.” Well, that’s bullshit. You are worthy. You are priceless. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. As long as I can remember I’ve had at least one person ‘remind’ me that I’m just not good enough or I don’t measure up. It might not be so plain in the form of them saying “You aren’t good enough”, it can be in their disapproving looks or backhanded compliments, or scoffing at something you’ve said or done. Whatever it is, you have to have faith and know that you are a priceless individual and you have value. God doesn’t make junk. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. There is something I do in the gym every week that I think, I can’t do that or this. Who says? How do I know I can’t unless I try? I hear a lot that ‘I can’t get up that early to workout’ or ‘I don’t have the motivation that you do’, or blah, blah blah….How do you know? You have to believe in yourself.

I amaze myself all the time with the things I am doing. Did you know I did deadlifts of 145 pounds the other day? I did it 6 times when at first I was laughing thinking that I would be doing good to lift that much weight even once. Jake believed I could do it so I thought why not? Now I want to see if I can move up to 150 pounds. No I’m not looking at being the next Hulk nor do I want to be some muscle bound chick that looks more like a guy. 🙂 It’s a challenge to see what I can do and believe that I can do it. I was asked by Jake a few weeks ago to lead The Break on Saturday afternoon. Me, leading bible study? I was terrified and stressed about it all day long kind of hoping that no one would show up and then as it got closer to the time, I wanted at least one person to show up to see if I could actually do it. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. Two ladies showed up and we ended up talking for an hour. I don’t think I said anything earth shattering or anything, but I did it. Someone believed I could do it and I ended up believing in myself.

There are a couple of quotes that I think about from time to time.

“No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

“You have brains in your head. Feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr. Seuss

You are the author of your story. Do you really want to listen to someone else tell you who you are? Who does God say you are?  You are a masterpiece. You are handpicked by God. You are loved. You are a person of extreme value and significance. Dust off your disbelief and know you can do it. Just try. Try it once and prove to yourself that you. It doesn’t have to be specific to working out or going to the gym. Apply it to all areas of your life.

Just believe in yourself.

 

Gym noises.

There are common noises in every gym. The sound of weights being used, people talking, the whir of the machines, running on treadmills, possibly even music, etc. What gets me every time is the dreaded fat slaps. My fat slaps to be exact. They haven’t made their presence known for a long time but decided they had been in hiding long enough. They made an appearance on Friday afternoon. I was politely sitting on the bench, pulling down weights, when those uninvited guests showed up. The chicken fat on my arms. You know the part that waves on it’s own when you move your arms. Yeah, there it was saying Hello, I’m back. Ha! In the beginning of this journey I would have died of humiliation (and sort of did). Now I laugh it off, make jokes,  and still sort of die from humiliation. It is embarrassing and I do not like it one bit,  but it’s going to be a part of this until it isn’t and that chicken fat is a thing of the past. It’s slowly going away and while I wish it would disappear overnight, I know it’s going to take some time. Patience. I keep reminding myself it’s not always going to be there and even now it’s getting a little less. I’m noticing that while it’s still squishy, it’s not as squishy as it was this time last year. It’s a little more firm than before. That’s a great thing.

Being able to laugh at yourself and find humor in embarrassing situations is key. Especially when working out. Funny things are going to happen. Whether it’s your fat slapping together or almost falling backwards from kettle bell swings (that happened too), it’s part of life. So when those lovely fat slaps return, and I’m sure they will, I’ll laugh it off and know that one day they will not crash the party.

Cheaters never win.

We learn this growing up…cheaters never win. In losing weight people say “Oh it’s okay to have a cheat day.” Meaning that you can eat ‘forbidden’ foods and all will be okay. This is not the case. At least not for me. I had such a day on Saturday. I was in Prague at the Kolache Festival taking pictures and I gave in and ate an extra long corn dog AND Indian taco. At the same time. My sister and I jokingly said “go big or go home.” I should have gone home.  🙂 Seriously what I should have done was possibly pick either/or, not both. Or better yet, I should have brought my own snacks and lunch from home. I topped off that day by eating dessert on Sunday at a family dinner. (not just one dessert, but several) I don’t really know what gets into my head. I actually just saw a quote on Facebook that read

“Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.” Zig Zigler

That can get the best of us. We I think that one little something isn’t going to hurt or I listen to someone else say, “You’ve been working out so hard. You deserve a break.” I’m working out so hard because I have specific goals that I want to reach by a specific date. These goals do not involve eating corn dogs, Indian tacos, chocolate cake, and whatever that delicious thing was that Lauren made. Chocolate something. This cheat weekend cost me three pounds. THREE POUNDS! Do you have any idea how hard you have to work out to lose one pound? And I went and gained three. I know it will come off. Looking back though, that food wasn’t that good. Not as good as losing weight feels. I used to laugh at that phrase. “It doesn’t taste as good as skinny feels.” I’m no where near skinny, but losing weight definitely feels much better than eating a damn taco.

I’m back on track with eating this week and I have faith the scale will reflect that on Friday. I just need to remember this the next time I give in to the nagging voice in my head or listen to someone else tell me it’s alright to have ___________. Cheating definitely didn’t make me a winner this weekend. Cheaters never win.

Starting to see…

I’m finally starting to see the progress I am making. I think it was last week in the gym when I’m doing dead lifts and as I stand up, I catch my reflection in the office window. Immediately I thought, “Wow! I look smaller!” I even set the bar down so I could pull my shirt and pants tighter. I know I’m losing weight but actually being able to really see the results is something. I know my close are baggy and getting to the point that I need to buy a couple of staple items, but to see for myself and actually realize this is working is something in and of itself. It’s awesome. One of these days I won’t mind seeing myself in the gym mirrors.

Another realization…I’m actually a pretty person. Yesterday I was washing off my mascara and looked at my face and again had a thought, “I’m actually really pretty.” That might not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it’s huge. I’ve never really thought I was ugly, but I’ve never thought I was pretty either. Decent maybe. Now that the fat is leaving my face, you can actually see my features and how they look, standing out on their own. I think that’s an important part of all of this…seeing yourself as a beautiful person. We are all beautiful in our own ways and I hope each one of you knows that and realizes your worth. No matter what your size. If you’re working out and wondering when you’ll see results, don’t give up! It does happen.

Seeing the results of all this hard work is a great confidence boost. I have lacked confidence in myself but as I go through this transformation, I can feel that increasing. It’s a pretty remarkable thing. I think reading “Captivating” is a huge help too. I’m not too far into it, but it’s a pretty good read so far. I’ll let you know what I think when I’m done.

I’m thrilled that I’m starting to see the new me. One more plus in the healthy lifestyle column.

 

No Doubt.

I have been filled with doubt this week. Every.single.day. My attitude was crappy to put it nicely. I’ve felt off and just didn’t quite know how to get myself out of whatever it was that was plaguing me at the time. I thought that working out by myself wasn’t going to really get any results, even though I was following the routine Jake had written out the previous week. I know at times you never really work out as hard as you do when you have someone there telling you what to do. I’ve made it a point to work out as though he’s there or tried to and it’s paid off. I lost 6 pounds this week! That makes 20 pounds in four weeks and 54 pounds since October 2013. I have 6 months to accomplish my goal of 100 pounds in a year and if I keep it up, I am going to make this goal.

I don’t know why I get so filled with doubt? I have an army of people believing in me, whether in person or online. I’m amazing myself by sticking with it and continuing to eat healthier and work out. Even when I don’t feel that confident that what I’m doing is going to work. Each time, I prove myself wrong. I called Kristi this morning to share in the good news and to thank her. She’s the one that started all of this and she deflected saying she just took a call and I did it by getting out of my car. I may have gotten out of my car, but I have a handful of God given people that have made it possible to be where I am on this day. And for that I should never doubt I’m exactly where I need to be. I hope my angels know how much they are loved by me and how much I truly appreciate all of the time and effort that has been given. That is something to never doubt.

Attitude is everything.

Attitude can make or break you. It is definitely a part of your workout. If you don’t believe me, try working out when you just don’t feel like it or your head isn’t in it. It’s almost impossible. It can be done but it’s almost like doing it through mud or quikcrete. (Did I spell that right? anyway…) Well my attitude this week has been less than stellar. I’ve worked out everyday like always but for some reason or another, my attitude hasn’t been there. At times it has downright sucked!  And I’m letting everything get on my nerves. I was talking to my cheering section at work today and when I say things out loud I feel or sound like a child. I’m going through the motions of working out but I feel like something’s missing. Like I’m missing out on something but I can’t quite pin down what I am missing out on. It’s silly really, I think, and I’m sure I’ll get over whatever it is. I need to not get so caught up in my head and just go with the flow. I know I’m restless about situations in my life and maybe that is part of what’s off. Everything takes time and I’ve been rather impatient lately. Take the class on Wednesday morning. I was so frustrated that I almost, for a split second, thought about not doing it anymore and just go back to working out on the arc trainer. The reason –  it seemed like almost all of the exercises had to be modified for me. Realistically it was really only 3, but I was so mad at myself, and a little embarrassed to be honest, that I couldn’t do them like everyone else. That’s crazy. What I should have been thinking was ‘Holy crap! Look what I can do.’ Stuff that I couldn’t or wouldn’t even begin to try much less do 6 months ago. I suppose part of it is I still feel like this remedial kid trying to play with Rhodes Scholars. (Nothing wrong with remedial)

I need to quit worrying about not being on the level of everyone around me and concentrate on where I’m at today. Because this time last year? I was holding down the couch instead of working out in a gym. I’ve lost a bunch of weight, I’m moving better, I’m breathing better, and I’m just living better. So snap out of it! Right??? Also…if you’ve been on the receiving end of my crappy attitude this week, consider this my blanket apology. I’m not usually such an ass.

God’s Grace.

One of the very first things Jake ever said to me when we first met was “Do you know that if you never even lose a pound here that you have God’s Grace?” “There isn’t anything you can do to make God love you more.” I didn’t really know it at the time, but I’m learning it more and more everyday. It resonated with me so much that when I was at a Christian book store the other day they had little metal stamped words and I bought the “Grace” one. I usually have it in my pocket as a reminder. I found this definition on the internet:

“grace has been defined as “the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it”

Ephesians 2:8; “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”. 

It really is amazing thing to think about…there isn’t anything you can do to make God love you more. Nothing. It’s sometimes hard for me to think about and know it to be true. Someone that loves you for you, warts and all, and knows all your warts. Someone who wants the best for you.

God’s Grace. Amazing stuff.

In a funk.

How do you work out when you’re in a funk? I guess you just do it. There isn’t a magic anything to get you through it and yesterday and today I have been in a funk when I’m at the gym. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working out alone (Dullsville!) or what it is. It hasn’t been fun like normal. Am I burning myself out by the two a days plus Saturday or just a mood that will go away? I’m sure it’s just a mood because I don’t feel like quitting – I have big goals to achieve. I have a set routine in the afternoons that I do now so I know what to do. I think the only answer is, you just keep going until the mood lifts.

What other choice is there when quitting is not an option?