I am gaining weight. Rapidly. It’s no surprise, at least to me. And if you’ve seen me recently, it’s not a surprise to you either.  I’ve completely abandoned all of my ‘good habits’ and have reverted to the way I used to eat. Maybe not 100% of the way, but enough to wear I’m back in my really fat shirts. The ones I was wearing when I started at the gym. If I keep on the way I’m going, I’m not going to have any pants to wear because A. I can’t afford new clothes right now and B. My smaller pants are getting tighter. I know when it all started. I had surgery September 30, 2016. I started off okay but then not wanting to be any more of a burden than I already felt like I was, I made it easier with meals. Whoever was preparing them or picking up, I went with it. It starts innocently enough and then before you know it, BOOM! Weight is creeping back, back is starting to not feel great, bending over is becoming a bitch again. I’m now to the point where it’s hard to reach my feet easily. What the fuck?! I have to have additional surgery that’s going to rock my world again (although this time I know just how crazy it’s going to be) and I need to curb this shit right now. It’s also rude with the Facebook memories from previous years to see what I was doing a year or two ago and I’m not doing the same things now. Okay, I get it. 🙂 Not to mention,  I miss it. A lot. So, while I have to try and find exercise I can do that doesn’t impact my foot, hahaha!, find it I will. It’s back to chicken and veggies. I know what to do. I can get back on track. I’ll stop beating myself up and just get back with the program. There are family members that are eating better these days so it’s now a family affair. Even if it wasn’t or they weren’t, I will. I have to. I’ve worked to hard to completely fall apart now.

Did you know I wanted to quit? Quit training, quit helping others, quit the gym. Just up and quit. I should give you the back story that brought me to this thought. Remember how I said back in March (I need to get better at blogging) that I was studying to become a personal trainer? Well, I took the test on 6/9 and failed it. By 5 stupid points. 5 points! Focus…Needless to say, I was devastated when I saw the “did not pass” on the results page. It was to date, the absolute hardest test I’ve ever taken. And I had an extremely tough Biology teacher at Langston. The upside is that I know what to expect when I take it again. I questioned even taking it again. I allowed this test to shatter my confidence and doubt whether I should even continue with training. It was all downhill after that. I was in the middle of a pretty good pity party, depressed, and just ready to give up. I talked a little bit about it with my sisters and I’m sure they were worried. I know they were because they said as much. All it took was one trigger from not passing to start a snowball of doubt. It’s amazing (or crazy) how quickly you (I) can lose focus on what’s good when you only focus on the negative. When your focus is on the stuff you can’t do or didn’t do instead of the good you are accomplishing. I’m definitely way to hard on myself. I think people in general are too hard on themselves. Kristi read something she found on Pinterest. The cliff notes version is this – picture yourself at 5. How would you protect her, right her wrongs, take care of her, wipe her tears, make sure she had fun, provide a loving place, etc…Now…why don’t we do the same when we are adults? You’re just as important at 35 (40, 41, etc) as you are at 5. When I started interning, I forgot about myself and focused on the client. Focusing on the client is good, but you can’t forget yourself. I had almost stopped working out all together. I did a half ass workout here and there, but nothing of real consequence. Okay, maybe two really good workouts, but that’s it. I because all about taking care of others and ignoring me. No bueno.

The other night I was talking to a client and she had some really nice things to say about me. Do you have a hard time accepting compliments too? Anyway, she talked about how much I encouraged her, and because of me, she’s sticking with her workouts and really feels she’s improving. Which she is. It’s awesome to see how far she’s come from where she was at when she started. Her little pep talk, she assures me she wasn’t just blowing smoke, brought back into focus what I should have kept thinking about all along. Look at the positive and forget about the negative. So I didn’t pass a test. Yes, it hurt, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It just means I have to study harder, pay the money to retake it, and master the shit out of it. 🙂 I might not get 100, but the next time I take it, I won’t get a 65 either. Then I can be an official personal trainer. And start working on the Fitness Nutrition Specialist test. Although I have until February 2016. Whew.

I’m focused, back on track, and paying attention to myself. I still have my goals to meet and I will get there. My 2015 goal is to be able to fit into my gym t-shirt. It’s a 3x and I’m currently in a 4x. I want to be able to wear it in public. It will happen. Remain focused and keep moving forward. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be other bumps along the way, but I can hope that it will only be a bump and not a derailment.

That’s what I weigh right now. 409lbs. That’s horrifying. Why is it? Because in September I weighed in at 388. That’s a 21 pound weight GAIN in two months. Do you know how much work has to go in to losing 21 pounds because I do. Do you know how quickly you can gain that lost weight back? I do. You have shitty things happen in your life and you lose focus. My Nana passed away on November 8th and I comforted myself for a week (or more) with funeral food, casseroles, sweets, boneless wings, sliced sausages, etc. You name it, if it was at the house, I ate it. It didn’t even have to be at home – eating anywhere, I was not eating ‘right’.  Honestly, I can’t even ‘blame’ the weight gain on the funeral food. I wasn’t eating great before then and I had slacked off in a big way at the gym. I quit going in the mornings and wasn’t really committed in the afternoons. I’d like to say it’s because my trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas and isn’t in the gym pushing me. But he isn’t the one losing weight.  In reality – those are all excuses. It’s my own fault that I’ve gained 21 fucking pounds. I let my mental self interfere with my physical self. It’s stunning how easy it is to gain weight when it takes you so very long to lose it.

My trainer was in town this past week and I was talking to him Monday about how I know I’ve gained weight but I wasn’t panicked because I know I’ll lose it. Then I quietly stepped on the scale and was immediately horrified. I planned on not telling a soul because A. I didn’t want to see that look on their faces. You know the one that shows disappointment or their own horrified reaction. and B. because I was just ashamed of putting that much weight on in such a short amount of time. But you know what – if I am as honest as I have been about losing weight, I need to be just as honest in the tough times and gaining weight. So I told people. My sisters, Mom, co-workers, friends, and my trainer. I don’t want to disappoint these people, but more importantly, I don’t want to disappoint myself so I told them to keep myself accountable. Not so they can police my food (please don’t! That’s a good way to piss me off) but so if I’m offered something tasty and on my personal list of foods to avoid, they will know why. And possibly not offer those tasty delights. Ha! Losing weight is a struggle. It is not easy. If it was, there wouldn’t be an obesity epidemic. The weight loss industry wouldn’t rake in billions of dollars each year. I’ve learned that I cannot just work out and eat whatever. I cannot eat right and not work out. For me, I have to do both. Eat better and work out. There is no either/or. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done and I’m re-committed to eating the way I did before September. I’m back in the gym full time. Right now my goal is making it to the gym everyday. Once that’s back on track, I’ll go back to two a days. I’m back to eating what I’m supposed to…and whoa, right before Thanksgiving? Smart. Haha…Although I did have pizza last night for dinner. Poor planning and waiting until I was beyond hungry to eat something. I did have a salad with it, so that has to add a plus in my favor. Right? 🙂

I just want you all to know that it’s not all roses and sunshine when you’re losing weight. It’s not easy and there are pitfalls and downsides. But it’s the getting back up when you’ve fallen down that is important. Don’t stay down. Take a minute, breathe deep, and get your ass back on track. So tomorrow when the country is using Thanksgiving as an excuse to eat like it’s their job, I’ll have a taste of this and a taste of that, but I will spend more time out of the kitchen talking with family and friends than I will be with filling my plate. Isn’t that the point of the holiday anyway? Being thankful for the people you have in your life? Not eating until you pass out in a food coma.

So, there it is party people. The not so pretty truth. Just remember – even though things happen and life gets in your way, don’t let it keep you there. Dust yourself off and get back to eating your chicken and veggies.

Hey there! Long time, no write. I got side tracked. I lost focus. Almost gave up. I almost chose to quit the gym this week. Thankfully I have some determined cheerleaders in my corner that talked me from the ledge. I’ve felt lost lately, just kind of like not really knowing why I’m doing this or rather, not feeling like I’m worth doing this. Not worthy of all the hard work and dedication. It’s definitely easier to give up. To give in. To say, to hell with all this…I’m going to eat what I want and just stay overweight forever. I was choosing to take the easy path. I was choosing to not believe in myself. I’ve felt like a fraud for a few weeks too. Everyone around me is going on about how great I look and how my new clothes make it to where you can really tell I’ve lost weight. I smile and say thanks but I felt like a fraud. Like I wasn’t worthy of their compliments. Why is that? I should smile and feel amazing. My hard work is paying off. People are taking notice. I guess I didn’t feel worthy because I knew I was giving up. I knew that eventually they would see I was eating a little more here and there or if not eating more, I was eating the ‘wrong things’. They would eventually see I started wearing my bigger clothes again instead of my slimmer, prettier clothes. I haven’t totally gone back to the way I was almost 12 months ago, but I definitely recognized I was headed to that path. Part of it is I don’t feel like I have any accountability. My trainer has temporarily moved to Dallas to be with his wife while she fought for her life and the life of their (then) unborn daughter. (Thankfully she is here and thriving! His wife is doing so much better too! God is great.) So my someone to answer to wasn’t around and I guess it was one of those, while the cat’s away, the mice will play kind of thing? I’ve slacked off in a major way and that’s not okay with me. I’m mad at myself and more than a little worried. Logically I know I have only myself to answer to and I’m doing this for myself, but I haven’t trusted myself to do what I need to do without having someone watching over me. I’ve let my past creep in and go back to old habits of eating when I’m upset/mad/worried…I’ve been frustrated in the gym and with life in general. I went on a couple job interviews and nothing came of it, I’m not where I want to be personally, and blah, blah, blah. I shared my fears/worries with a couple of people and I check in with one of them daily. I was asked some tough questions about why I felt unmotivated, not worthy, and what did I think God thought of me. Honestly I felt like God saw me as a failure because I was giving up (almost), and not valuing myself. I’ve just felt unworthy. I know it sounds silly, but feelings are pretty powerful.

So here I am back at 392lbs. I’m setting short term goals as well as long term goals. First off, I am going to get back to 388lbs. That’s my goal for this next week. My daily goal is to be in the gym back to my regular schedule. I am switching it up a little bit by going in earlier in the morning. I want to go to the 5:30 p.m. classes in the evenings but I’m worried if I don’t go right after work I’ll sit at home and think of reasons to not go that day. (there are always a million of those.) I think I have something in place that will work. I’m going to try it out Monday and see where I end up. My long term goal is to lose the rest of this weight. I have 180lbs to go. I’ve lost 112 so far and did it within a year, so as I push myself to continue, I know I will kick the rest of this weight to the curb. I really just need to stop letting this weight get in my way. Stop letting myself get in my way. I have some amazing friends/family, a host of cheerleaders, and people I’m not even aware of who are pulling for me. We will continue on this journey together. It’s hard, but I can do it.  I am choosing to love me and be the best me I can.

It’s been a tough week. Mentally. Ever since the other night when I let what those jerks said bother me, I’ve been struggling. It seems like there’s been one comment after another, either by someone else or by me, that I have let take up space. First it was the store, then the clothing store and trying on clothes, then this kid at Target. I was checking out the baby section and I heard this little boy chatting it up with his mom. I sometimes cringe when I hear kids at the store because I know what’s coming. They came around the corner and he said, “That lady is HUGE!” More than a few times. I, of course, pretend like I can’t hear him and his mother is immediately pulling him to the other aisle. I hear her tell him how you do not say that about people and how it can hurt their feelings. Way to go mom. 🙂 It still doesn’t ease the fact that I wish the floor would have swallowed me up in that instant. I know he’s just a kid and kids always state the obvious, so why do I let it bother me? Why have I let everything bother me this week? I can usually do a good job of ignoring or not letting it get to me that much, but this week has been one big epic fail. I’ve let my confidence slip and while I haven’t come completely off the rails, I have thought on a couple of occassions that maybe I’m not worth it. Which is bullshit. Deep down I know all of this is worth it and one day there won’t be any outward appearance for people to comment on or maybe it will be something different. You know btg, before the gym, I would have made myself feel ‘better’ by eating my way through it. That’s how I got to be over 500lbs. Eating to feel better. That too is bullshit. Over eat, feel like crap, over eat some more. Vicious cycle. I haven’t made the best choices this week but it hasn’t been completely off track either. I had a possibly impossible goal of getting to 389 by August 1st. That’s tomorrow and when I weighed in this morning I was at 396. One pound down since last Friday. Bummer. I wonder if it’s self sabotage? Like eventhough I know this is the best thing for me, I still go back to thinking I don’t deserve the good things. I know it will get better. This week will end and I’ll move on from the negativity. I’ll get back on track and work out even harder. (this week has been lax in that dept too.) Maybe it’s just an off week. Whatever it is, I need to focus and just keep swimming.