A day of firsts.

Today I had a few firsts happen….1. I didn’t go to the gym this morning. Gasp! I had intentions and I was prepared. What I wasn’t prepared for was waking up all night long. We’re talking like every hour or every thirty minutes. There was a pretty spectacular storm raging outside so maybe that had something to do with it, I don’t know. I do know that when my alarm went off at 4:10 a.m. I was less than thrilled to get up. But get up I did. However, I could not keep my eyes open for the life of me. I tried and then threw in the towel. I didn’t think it would bother me much but I felt a little off all day. Kind of like how you feel when you think you have forgotten something or felt like there was something you should be doing. That was me today. My second first…I was the first one finished in the afternoon training session! Holy smokes I couldn’t believe. Too be 聽fair, I’ve been at it a little longer than my two friends and I’m kind of used to it because it was designed like a lot of stuff we do in the mornings. We had to do four rounds of six different exercises and I did it! In 23 minutes and 44 seconds. That was another first. Having a time like that. I had to look at the stop watch a few times to make sure it was 23 and not 33. My friends did an amazing job and we all finished a tough workout. A lot of creaky knees and my arm fat slapping together. Is that ever going to go away?? Anyway,聽I didn’t want to gloat about being done first (because that’s tacky) but inside I was shouting. I wasn’t last for once. I am always the last one in the morning class. Always. That’s fine because you aren’t competing with the other people (trying not to) , you’re competing with yourself. At least I am. Mostly. 馃檪 I will have to give a little shout out to my buddy M.E. because she was nervous to do a box jump and even as nervous as she was, she did it! Just proves that you can do anything you set your mind on doing. It was fun cheering them on and I’m proud of them for making it through. Good job ladies!!聽Speaking of these two, we are all in a Biggest Loser challenge on Facebook. It started last Friday and you weigh in each Friday morning. After 6 weeks whoever has lost the biggest percentage wins half the money in the pot. Not a bad deal for losing weight. Right? There are monetary penalties if you gain or maintain, so it’s always beneficial to lose, but what a fun way to stay accountable and possibly win some cash at the end. And the last first today…I got approved for my first credit card. Woot, woot. Sure at 40 you would think I would have at least one, but nope. Here’s to fixing my credit and being an adult. Ha. I can’t wait to write about buying my first house. That’s on the horizon people.

Oh! I weighed yesterday and I am 9 pounds from the 300’s. 9 pounds! That is going to happen in the next two weeks. It will be lovely if I can write next week that I’m 3–. Pretty amazing how incredible my life has changed and continues to change. I’m forever thankful and definitely blessed. Happy Thursday party people!

One more Oh! Jake has moved the Saturday bible study to Sunday at 10 a.m. Last week was the first one and it was great. There was a good turn out and even my younger brother and his family came. If you’re looking for a non church church, you should definitely come by and check it out. You won’t be disappointed. It’s an informal, relaxed atmosphere where a group of people get together to learn about the grace of God. See you Sunday?


聽 聽‘the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc’
In anything you do, you need to have commitment. Losing weight, working at your job, being in a relationship, whatever. For me, I’m committed to working out and losing weight. I’m in this for the long haul, for life actually. This past week I’ve thought a lot about what it takes to lose weight. Partly I’ve been asked how I’m doing it, but really I’ve just been thinking a lot about what it is that I’ve been doing. There isn’t a magic pill or a quick anything. It’s plain old diet and exercise. Shocker! I’m sure all that weight loss crap out there on the market could help and it’s possibly helped you. That’s awesome. I’ve tried various things in the past and yeah they work for a minute and then I give up or it’s found that it’s not safe and then I gain back what I lost, plus some. I lost my commitment. I did Weight Watchers in 2008. I did it for a solid 10 months and lost 75 pounds. Jan – Oct. Towards the end of October, I gained a tenth of a pound and the following week I gained a little more. I let that derail all the ‘good’ I accomplished in those 10 months. Needless to say, I gained back the 75 lbs and probably at least another 25. I’m not really sure. I got huge again. Anyway, I always talked about needing to lose weight and I’m going to do this and that, but I never did. I knew I needed to do something, but it still didn’t motivate to really get out there and do something about it. Until last year. If you know me or have read any of this blog, you know all about that. I’ve been at this now for 7 months and I still enjoy it. In the beginning I didn’t really know what to think, but I certainly never thought I would find such satisfaction in working out. In sweating like a hostage. Every day. Ha! Seriously. This girl sweats like no one’s business. I usually look like I just walked through a car wash.
The difference this time around is that I am fully, 100% committed. I show up on days when I don’t really feel like it. (That’s only happened a couple times) I work out when I’m in a funk, rain or shine. I have a goal in mind and I’m not going to let me talk myself out of it. To date, I’ve lost 73 lbs since that beautiful October day. Woo Hoo! That’s one of the goals I’ve had in mind – to lose 75 lbs in less than 10 months. To beat my WW goal. I’m two pounds a way from meeting that goal. I’m going to reach that goal and continue on to the others.
Trust me, I know how easy it is to make up an excuse and say “I’ll go tomorrow” or “I’m only missing one day” etc. Actually I had that thought this week. Thursday morning I thought about sleeping in. I was meeting a friend at the gym and so I got up and went. She was unable to make it and I said throughout the day, man I could have slept in. Hahaha….even as I was saying it, I knew there wasn’t any way I would have slept in. It sounds good in theory, but I know I was going to be there no matter what. I want to lose weight too bad to sleep in. Plus I don’t really enjoy sleep all that much. (weird I know!)
I guess I’m saying all of this to say – if you want it bad enough, find your commitment and don’t let anything get in your way. It’s not always going to be perfect and there are certainly going to be tough days, but that’s when you for sure need to keep going. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t allow others to rain on your parade. Know that what you are doing is for you and to better your life.
Be committed. It’s definitely worth it. You are worth it!


As of last Friday, May 30th, that was the number on the scale. Woo Hoo! Considering where I was at last year (over 500) I’ll take it. I can’t believe I’m only 18 pounds from the 300’s. It’s my plan within the next couple of weeks, to make that goal a reality. I had a pretty good weekend and made good food choices. I say it all the time, but I really hope there is a day when it won’t have to be a choice, it will just be an automatic thought. Food addiction is the pits. At times I’ve thought I would rather be addicted to alcohol than food. You don’t need alcohol to survive. Food, you do. Although any addiction is unhealthy and I don’t seriously want an alcohol addiction. I’ve seen what that can do to you and no thanks.

I mentioned to a friend yesterday that I feel like I’m a control nut because I don’t have any control over food. It was said that I seem to have a control over food but I think mostly it’s a good front. Well, not all the time. There are days even entire weeks where I have good or even great control, other times, not so much. I was at a cook out on Saturday and it was a little intimidating because A. it was at my trainer’s house, and B. it was at my trainer’s house. Ha. 馃檪 I was fine and had a really nice time (I just adore the people that were there) but I was super aware of what and how much I put on my plate. He even asked if I was going to have any more and I don’t care if I was so hungry I could eat the table, there wasn’t any way I was going back for seconds. It was all really good food and pretty much healthy (except for chips and cookies which I stayed away from…) so I didn’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t let it ruin the good time I had and that is a success in my book. Next time, bring a chair. I’m still too self conscious to sit in the folding chair that was offered. I kept thinking, the legs will sink into the ground, what if it breaks, what if…blah, blah, blah. It will definitely be nice when my weight doesn’t rule 95% of my thinking. When it isn’t something I think about when my feelings get hurt and I want to feel better. That one is actually happening a little less these days. Another success. You know, it might always be something I have to deal with, but it won’t rule how I live. As I learn how to do things differently, it’s going to be easier.

So…how’s that for a rambling post? 馃檪 Here’s to reaching 418 and here’s to watching it go away forever. I hope you have a聽good great week and whatever your struggles may you find the sunshine and be blessed.



[ fyoo t铆ll蓹tee ]

1.pointlessness: lack of usefulness or effectiveness

2.pointless action: an action that has no use, purpose, or effect

Yesterday was a lesson in futility. Funny, I’ve heard that phrase before, but had to actually look up the meaning to make sure I was using it correctly. Anyway, I woke up at 4:30 to go to the gym. Lauren was going to try and make it so I made a few phone calls to wake her up and see what’s what. No answer, not surprised because Hello! It was 4:30 in the morning. I continue gettng ready and heard back that she didn’t really sleep much so she’s taking a pass on the gym but will walk around her block for exercise. Awesome! Then my next thought was, ‘Should I even go to the gym?’ Of course I should, but there was a fleeting thought of not going. Jake’s out of town this week so the class was canceled which means I’m riding the bike. Woo Hoo. Not woo hoo. I probably should have done more or I know I should have done more but I just didn’t have my heart in it. I did about 20 – 25 minutes and called it a morning. Here’s the action that set me behind for the entire rest of my day. I was driving down MacArthur towards the house, turned off the radio because the noise was getting to me, and rolled my windows down for the cool breeze. About 2 minutes later I hear this POP and then thud, thud, thud. I immediately thought flat tire and please God don’t let it be a flat because who can I call for help at 5:45 in the morning? I drive a little ways, pull over in a vacant lot, and get out to inspect my tires. They are all fully inflated. Maybe it was just a rock. I get back in, drive a few feet more and continue to hear the thud, thud, thud. I get back out and then notice this giant bolt/screw coming out of my tire. Luckily, it was in there in a way that didn’t let the air out and I was able to make it home. The blessing in this is the tires came from Discount Tires and they do free repairs or replacements. The down side is they are always, always busy and there’s a bit of a wait time. I should have arrived when they opened at 8, but didn’t so I was told it would be about 45 minutes to an hour wait. Not too bad, and what was I going to do? I’m not driving on a tire with a bolt the size of a javelin, no matter how much it’s not letting air escape.

Two hours later, yes I was getting antsy, I’m on my way. (I really do L.O.V.E.聽 Discount Tires. Always friendly staff and GREAT customer service. Just get there early!) Instead of going straight to work, I stop by the bank to pick up my receipts. 30 minutes later, I’m finally at the window. Our work bank is the slowest bank in the history of banks. Nice people, but good grief they need to pick up the pace. It probably doesn’t help that it’s now 10:45 and I’m still not at work. Okay, so I make it to work at 11. If you know where I work, then you might know that we’ve been having internet issues for a few weeks and it is moving slower than our bank. Almost crawling and at times I wonder if we are on a dial up service. Remember when AOL first came out and everyone was on dial up? Yeah, fun. 95% of my job is done on the internet – the programs I use are internet based. They are big programs. The other program used by co-workers is a large program. If we are all on the internet together, it might be Christmas before anyone gets anything accomplished. Monday is聽transmittal day for our weekly reports. A 15 minute job took me almost two hours yesterday. To say I was frustrated聽was a gross understatement. I even teared up because I was getting so pissed at still being at work.聽(I聽not only cry out of sadness, happiness, etc, I also get tears from being pissed. Thanks overactive tear ducts. Ha!) 聽I didn’t leave work until 3:45. 45 minutes past my normal time. I should have been pulling into the gym at that time, but instead I was on my way to change clothes and start driving to the gym.

At this point I think, I really do not want to go to the gym today. I seriously thought about staying home and not going. That’s a first for me since I started this journey almost 7 months ago. Like I really, really weighed the pros/cons on not going. That’s a sign I need to go. So I’m headed that way when my nephew calls needing a ride to work. Since I’m looking for any reason not to do what I’m supposed to do, I jump at the chance for a distraction. Plus, I’m all about helping others. We make it to his job about 4:45 and Lauren is working next door, so why not stop in and say Hi! Just prolonging the inevitable. She treats me to dinner, yummy Garbanzo, and around 5:45 or so, I’m headed to the gym. I’ve missed the TNT class and doing booty exercises with my new gym buddies. Hey if it works, I’ll have a great butt. 馃檪 I only rode the bike for 20 minutes and the arc trainer for 25. Stuff I could probably do in my sleep. It worked up a little sweat but nothing like if I had been there for the class. I know I’ll be there for the class on Wed and Thur. It was just a day with one set back after another.

It was definitely a lesson in futility. One cause had a myriad of effects. I wonder if it was a lesson in patience? Or how to really go with the flow when you can’t control outside influences? All in all the day was fine. Nothing tragic happened. I got my tire fixed, finished my work, and made it to the gym. It was just on a different time table. It all felt futile. Kind of like the writing of this post. 馃檪


On a different note, know of anyone that wants to buy a 2003 Isuzu Rodeo? $500 cash. It does need a new head gasket, but has a brand new radiator, battery, thermostat, hoses, and 4 tires with less than 10,000 miles on them. It would be great for someone to fix for a teenager or whatever. Let me know.

Believe in yourself.

When you’ve had people throughout your life tell you that you are less than the best, it’s hard to believe in yourself. These people can come in the form of family members, friends, kids at school, co-workers, etc. It can completely take the wind out of your sails. Over time you might think, maybe they are right. Maybe I’m not that great at ____ or I’m not worth ____. To quote Pretty Woman, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.” Well, that’s bullshit. You are worthy. You are priceless. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. As long as I can remember I’ve had at least one person ‘remind’ me that I’m just not good enough or I don’t measure up. It might not be so plain in the form of them saying “You aren’t good enough”, it can be in their disapproving looks or backhanded compliments, or scoffing at something you’ve said or done. Whatever it is, you have to have faith and know that you are a priceless individual and you have value. God doesn’t make junk. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. There is something I do in the gym every week that I think, I can’t do that or this. Who says? How do I know I can’t unless I try? I hear a lot that ‘I can’t get up that early to workout’ or ‘I don’t have the motivation that you do’, or blah, blah blah….How do you know? You have to believe in yourself.

I amaze myself all the time with the things I am doing. Did you know I did deadlifts of 145 pounds the other day? I did it 6 times when at first I was laughing thinking that I would be doing good to lift that much weight even once. Jake believed I could do it so I thought why not? Now I want to see if I can move up to 150 pounds. No I’m not looking at being the next Hulk nor do I want to be some muscle bound chick that looks more like a guy. 馃檪 It’s a challenge to see what I can do and believe that I can do it. I was asked by Jake a few weeks ago to lead The Break on Saturday afternoon. Me, leading bible study? I was terrified and stressed about it all day long kind of hoping that no one would show up and then as it got closer to the time, I wanted at least one person to show up to see if I could actually do it. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. Two ladies showed up and we ended up talking for an hour. I don’t think I said anything earth shattering or anything, but I did it. Someone believed I could do it and I ended up believing in myself.

There are a couple of quotes that I think about from time to time.

“No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

“You have brains in your head. Feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr. Seuss

You are the author of your story. Do you really want to listen to someone else tell you who you are? Who does God say you are? 聽You are a masterpiece. You are handpicked by God. You are loved. You are a person of extreme value and significance. Dust off your disbelief and know you can do it. Just try. Try it once and prove to yourself that you. It doesn’t have to be specific to working out or going to the gym. Apply it to all areas of your life.

Just believe in yourself.


Gym noises.

There are common noises in every gym. The sound of weights being used, people talking, the whir of the machines, running on treadmills, possibly even music, etc. What gets me every time is the dreaded fat slaps. My fat slaps to be exact. They haven’t made their presence known for a long time but decided they had been in hiding long enough. They made an appearance on Friday afternoon. I was politely sitting on the bench, pulling down weights, when those uninvited guests showed up. The chicken fat on my arms. You know the part that waves on it’s own when you move your arms. Yeah, there it was saying Hello, I’m back. Ha! In the beginning of this journey I would have died of humiliation (and sort of did). Now I laugh it off, make jokes, 聽and still sort of die from humiliation. It is embarrassing and I do not like it one bit, 聽but it’s going to be a part of this until it isn’t and that chicken fat is a thing of the past. It’s slowly going away and while I wish it would disappear overnight, I know it’s going to take some time. Patience. I keep reminding myself it’s not always going to be there and even now it’s getting a little less. I’m noticing that while it’s still squishy, it’s not as squishy as it was this time last year. It’s a little more firm than before. That’s a great thing.

Being able to laugh at yourself and find humor in embarrassing situations is key. Especially when working out. Funny things are going to happen. Whether it’s your fat slapping together or almost falling backwards from kettle bell swings (that happened too), it’s part of life. So when those聽lovely fat slaps return, and I’m sure they will, I’ll laugh it off and know that one day they will not crash the party.

Cheaters never win.

We learn this growing up…cheaters never win. In losing weight people say “Oh it’s okay to have a cheat day.” Meaning that you can eat ‘forbidden’ foods and all will be okay. This is not the case. At least not for me. I had such a day on Saturday. I was in Prague at the Kolache Festival taking pictures and I gave in and ate an extra long corn dog AND Indian taco. At the same time. My sister and I jokingly said “go big or go home.” I should have gone home. 聽馃檪 Seriously what I should have done was possibly pick either/or, not both. Or better yet, I should have brought my own snacks and lunch from home. I topped off that day by eating dessert on Sunday at a family dinner. (not just one dessert, but several) I don’t really know what gets into my head. I actually just saw a quote on Facebook that read

“Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.” Zig Zigler

That can get the best of us. We I think that one little something isn’t going to hurt or I listen to someone else say, “You’ve been working out so hard. You deserve a break.” I’m working out so hard because I have specific goals that I want to reach by a specific date. These goals do not involve eating corn dogs, Indian tacos, chocolate cake, and whatever that delicious thing was that Lauren made. Chocolate something. This cheat weekend cost me three pounds. THREE POUNDS! Do you have any idea how hard you have to work out to lose one pound? And I went and gained three. I know it will come off. Looking back though, that food wasn’t that good. Not as good as losing weight feels. I used to laugh at that phrase. “It doesn’t taste as good as skinny feels.” I’m no where near skinny, but losing weight definitely feels much better than eating a damn taco.

I’m back on track with eating this week and I have faith the scale will reflect that on Friday. I just need to remember this the next time I give in to the nagging voice in my head or listen to someone else tell me it’s alright to have ___________. Cheating definitely didn’t make me a winner this weekend. Cheaters never win.

Starting to see…

I’m finally starting to see the progress I am making. I think it was last week in the gym when I’m doing dead lifts and as I stand up, I catch my reflection in the office window. Immediately I thought, “Wow! I look smaller!” I even set the bar down so I could pull my shirt and pants tighter. I know I’m losing weight but actually being able to really see the results is something. I know my close are baggy and getting to the point that I need to buy a couple of staple items, but to see for myself and actually realize this is working is something in and of itself. It’s awesome. One of these days I won’t mind seeing myself in the gym mirrors.

Another realization…I’m actually a pretty person. Yesterday I was washing off my mascara and looked at my face and again had a thought, “I’m actually really pretty.” That might not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it’s huge. I’ve never really thought I was ugly, but I’ve never thought I was pretty either. Decent maybe. Now that the fat is leaving my face, you can actually see my features and how they look, standing out on their own. I think that’s an important part of all of this…seeing yourself as a beautiful person. We are all beautiful in our own ways and I hope each one of you knows that and realizes your worth. No matter what your size. If you’re working out and wondering when you’ll see results, don’t give up! It does happen.

Seeing the results of all this hard work is a great confidence boost. I have lacked confidence in myself but as I go through this transformation, I can feel that increasing. It’s a pretty remarkable thing. I think reading “Captivating” is a huge help too. I’m not too far into it, but it’s a pretty good read so far. I’ll let you know what I think when I’m done.

I’m thrilled that I’m starting to see the new me. One more plus in the healthy lifestyle column.


No Doubt.

I have been filled with doubt this week. Every.single.day. My attitude was crappy to put it nicely. I’ve felt off and just didn’t quite know how to get myself out of whatever it was that was plaguing me at the time. I thought that working out by myself wasn’t going to really get any results, even though I was following the routine Jake had written out the previous week. I know at times you never really work out as hard as you do when you have someone there telling you what to do. I’ve made it a point to work out as though he’s there or tried to and it’s paid off. I lost 6 pounds this week! That makes 20 pounds in four weeks and 54 pounds since October 2013. I have 6 months to accomplish my goal of 100 pounds in a year and if I keep it up, I am going to make this goal.

I don’t know why I get so filled with doubt? I have an army of people believing in me, whether in person or online. I’m amazing myself by sticking with it and continuing to eat healthier and work out. Even when I don’t feel that confident that what I’m doing is going to work. Each time, I prove myself wrong. I called Kristi this morning to share in the good news and to thank her. She’s the one that started all of this and she deflected saying she just took a call and I did it by getting out of my car. I may have gotten out of my car, but I have a handful of God given people that have made it possible to be where I am on this day. And for that I should never doubt I’m exactly where I need to be. I hope my angels know how much they are loved by me and how much I truly appreciate all of the time and effort that has been given. That is something to never doubt.

Losing the mental weight.

When you weigh as much as I do and did, you need to lose the mental weight as well.

What do I mean by this? It’s the negative thinking that goes along with being morbidly obese. I’m not saying everyone who is overweight has negative thoughts, I’m talking about myself here. The ‘I can’t sit in a booth’, ‘what if the seat belt doesn’t fit’, ‘panic at being sat in the back of a restaurant’ thinking. As I lose physical weight, I’m having a harder time losing my mental weight. I know that I’m physically smaller than I was this time last year, but I still get hung up on those what if’s and negative creepy crawly thoughts. How do you get past those? Do you ever? After Bible study yesterday, Nicole gave me a slip of paper with “Captivating” written on it along with the author’s names. She said I needed to read this book and that it would help me with the struggles I have in not being able to see me as I truly am. I took the slip of paper to Mardel bookstore to see if they had it. The store clerk who helped me said it’s an amazing book and really helps with self esteem issues. She spoke a little more about how it helped her, all the while with tears glistening in her eyes. (which of course had me with tears in my eyes) They were sold out so she ordered it for me and should be in, later in the week. She was such a nice person and encouraged me to come back and let her know what I thought of it, once I read it. Apparently there is even a workbook that goes along with it. I’m looking forward to reading it.

I’m hoping it helps me with the mental weight that I carry around. The weight that isn’t always visible to you. The weight that keeps me from seeing what a beautiful person I really am and that I’m much more than the physical weight I have. God has big things planned for me and I need to visualize myself doing His great works.

Losing the mental weight will be just as freeing, if not more so, than losing the physical weight.