Hey guys! It’s been a long time. Too long. I’ve been busy, but not really. (If that makes any sense at all.) I’ve been busy in the respect that while I’ve been away, I had a couple ankle surgeries and a knee surgery. The first ankle surgery was September 30, 2015. Whew. Was that something else. I ended up needing another surgery and that happened June 10, 2016. That was probably even more frustrating than the first time around because I had to be off of it for so much longer and actually – I am just now wearing shoes on that foot. To say it’s been a setback is probably an understatement. Setback in the way of working out and eating right. It starts with not wanting to be a burden to the people who are helping you out. Then that spirals to continue eating like shit even when you no longer require said help. Depression, from gaining weight back to the issues with my ankle, led to not doing anything. I was so embarrassed, ashamed, what have you about going in the complete opposite direction before surgery. I haven’t been able to workout because for the better part of a year and a half, I’ve been out of commission and wearing a boot and/or riding on a knee scooter. (I do NOT miss wrangling that thing around.) I am back to the beginning of when I first met my trainer in October 2013 or was it ’14? Either year, I have gained back the 100 pounds plus I lost and I’m just miserable. Honestly I cannot believe it’s happened, but happened it has and today is my first honest day of doing something about it. I have been wanting to get back to the gym but the one I was at back when is no longer there. I sorely miss that place. Like a lot. My trainer/friends moved away and that affected me more than I originally realized. They became very vital threads in the fabric of my life. (is that a commercial?) We still talk from time to time, so that’s great. My brother made me realize last night how much of me has been missing and I vowed to change that. He, my mom, and I wagered a bet to lose 50 pounds by the end of May 2017. $250 buy in, winner takes all. Once I win that bet, hahaha, we will continue and see who loses the most weight and/or maintains said weight loss until May 2018. Winner of that bet wins $3,000. Thanks mom and brother. I’ll prefer my winnings in cash. 🙂

So…in all transparency – I am weighing in at 491. At least as far as when I had knee surgery last month. By the end of May I need to weigh 441. I know I can do it. I’ve done it before. I need to keep this in mind so there’s no more going back to the beginning.

Hi party people! Happy Wednesday to ya. How is everyone in internet-land? I’m doing alright. Actually, scratch that, I’m doing great. I’m over my melt down from the other day and in a better, re-focused, frame of mind. You know when you’re in a crazy place or maybe stressful is a better word, it’s hard to see the positive aspects. It takes a minute, or in my case, overnight, to see things in a better light. I was bummed (heartbroken) about not really being able to workout. What I should have been focusing on was using this time to focus on eating correctly. It’s going to be beneficial not just to myself, but to others. I’m studying to be a personal trainer (!!!) and if I have crappy/less than stellar eating habits, how can I help someone with theirs? Do as I say, not as I do? Not a great reflection. And I can still do arm workouts so I’m not totally out of the loop. I really like the relationships I’ve built there and I really do enjoy working out. Crazy I know! So, while I can’t lift weights right now (boo!), I can work on other facets of being healthy and losing weight. (No more tears…well for right now. Sorry Jake!) Thanks to everyone who listened to me cry, whine, stress out, be unhappy, etc this past week. You are all priceless to me. Always.

Other news that has me happy and dancing in the streets – I have a lap! I was at the doctor yesterday and while I was waiting for him to come in the room, I looked down and notice I have a lap! Holy shit. It completely caught me by surprise. I quickly grabbed my phone, snapped a picture, and uploaded it to Instagram and Facebook. It’s one of those things that probably doesn’t phase the everyday person, but a huge accomplishment to someone who hasn’t had a lap in, oh I don’t know….ever? It’s these little things that amount to big things. Crossing my legs without thinking about it. Not getting winded putting on my shoes (that’s sad!). Walking around, keeping up with others, and not gasping for breath all at the same time. Wearing clothes in much smaller sizes. These have all happened and it blows my mind each time I notice it. It’s joyful and makes me thankful for everything.

Going back to my doctor visit – I have a foot/ankle injury that I’ve ignored or pushed aside for quite a while. (about a year) I’ve been to the doctor, got referred to another doctor, had an MRI, a few x-rays, and ended up with a great doctor. He very matter of fact told me I needed to have surgery and it was going to completely rock my world and turn it upside down. This was around the end of summer last year or something like that. I told him I didn’t want to do anything that was going to keep me from working out so we pushed the surgery back a while. And have kept pushing it back because it meant being off my foot, no weight bearing AT ALL, for at least 3 months. Three months?!?! He thought he was going to have to fuse my foot and all this other stuff, but at yesterday’s appointment he doesn’t think he’ll have to do a fusion after all!!! Woot, woot! He’ll just have to clean up the bone fragments, bone spurs, do some scoping and that’s it. So we’re looking at being off my foot for 3 weeks instead of months. Hallelujah, praise Jesus.  The only drawback on the foot surgery is that I have to fix my knee first. What? My knee. Yep. On the same leg no less! I really don’t know what I’ve done to injure it, but I haven’t been smart and I’ve continued to work out only to make it worse. I’m a bit hard headed. This past Saturday took the cake and rest assured, I’m not doing anything that involves over working my knees. (Hence only doing arm stuff in the gym) I have my knee appointment on the 19th and I’ll know something more at that time. Maybe there’s just some cartilage floating around in there that needs to be removed. Easy, peasy. Then we’ll get the foot taken care of and I’ll be good as new!  While it’s been an inconvenience I know how much worse it could be. I am very blessed in the fact that I can still walk, move around, all that good stuff. It’s just a minor set back and I can deal with it gracefully.

Losing weight isn’t an overnight achievement. It takes time. It’s multifaceted and a lot of damn work. It’s a lot to figure out but one thing I know and have figured out is – It’s so completely worth it.

That’s how long I’ve been going to the gym. Or, that’s the time between when I started and today. 10/21/2013 to 3/9/2015. 504 days (505 if you actually count today). A lot has happened in that time and yet it seems like not much has changed. I’ve lost weight, gained some of it back, and lost it again. I’ve gained confidence and had self doubt. I’ve met great people and made changes in my life that I’ll carry with me forever. In February of this year I enrolled to become a personal trainer. It still blows my mind to think how much I’ve come to enjoy fitness. Not just enjoy it, but to actually make a career out of it…mind boggling. It hasn’t been easy, but as they say, nothing worth having is easy. There has been an inordinate amount of frustration, mostly in the past few months. I gained a bit of weight back (21lbs to be exact), and it’s taken almost 3 months to lose it again. I haven’t lost it all but I’m down to 398 and still plugging away. Frustration at the injuries I’ve sustained. I’m sure I’ve talked about my foot/ankle before so that’s nothing new. I’ve been putting off surgery until I lose more weight. (that time might be up.) In the past few weeks I’ve injured my knee. It’s a mystery as to how it happened. I had an MRI last Monday and I’m waiting to hear about the results. Impatiently waiting. If I don’t hear anything tomorrow, I’m calling someone to bug for answers. I’ve been hard headed in working out injured. I’ve tried to figure it out the past couple of days as to why I haven’t made the smartest decisions and I haven’t really come up with anything. My back has been sore for a week or so and that’s affected my time in the gym. I seem to be falling apart and yet I know I could be a lot worse off. There is someone out there that has it worse than I do. My stuff is fixable. A surgery here or there and I’ll be good as new. Believe me when I say, I know how blessed I am. Truly.

With the injuries I have and the limitations it’s put on what I can really do in the gym, I am thinking I need to take a break with working out and work on healing. Nothing about that sentence makes me happy. Well, maybe the healing part. Ha! The part that doesn’t make me happy is taking time away from the gym. My home away from home. I’m nervous about getting out of my routine. I don’t want to miss out on the happenings at the gym. I’ve grown to love that place and I know I’ll miss it. Yes, I know it’s not forever, just until everything works properly again and I can work out without doing further damage. Being away will have me focusing more on eating correctly and I know I need that. Especially to stay in line with losing weight. Going there twice a day has become such a huge part of my life that I’m not sure how to not go there.

It’s been 12,096 hours, 725,760 minutes, 43,545,600 seconds…

Hi! It’s been a while. I haven’t really felt like I had much to say, or I’ve had things to say, but it was a lot of the same thing, over and over. My people came home from Dallas a few months ago so my slacking off in the gym and eating dept was over. I was horrified to say the least about how much weight I gained while they were gone. 20 pounds. Scratch that, make it 21. I think it’s wrong how incredibly easy it is to put weight on, but A LOT of hard work to get it off. It’s like super velco…not wanting to go anywhere. Anyway…I’ve been stuck in a range of 402-410 for the past month. Saying I was frustrated was putting it mildly. I was at the end of my rope a few times, tears were shed (shock, surprise!), and just felt like an overall failure. A) because I not only fell off the wagon, I managed to get run over it and B) I had lost the weight already and I didn’t seem like I could get there again. (that’s a frustration all in itself – having to lose it twice) So, I’ve struggled with trying to get rid of this weight. I’ve kept up with my workouts in the gym and even went back to my two a days. Nothing. Now I will tell you that I didn’t make the greatest food choices during this time. I let old habits sort of slip in. Sort of my butt. There were definite days I ate some feelings. That has to account for the scale not going down. While I was struggling with eating better, I was feeling frustrated at the gym. A lot of the exercises I do are still modified. During this time I’ve been working out with very fit people. They were getting ready for a competition and doing these crazy hard workouts and while I would do them too, they were modified for me. I still can’t do a box jump (my feet will not get off the ground at the same time!), jump rope, etc. I remember one day we were going through one of the WOD’s they would be doing at the competition and I didn’t time mine. That was my undoing that day. Immediately teared up and left soon after that. I think it was more a culmination of things than just not recording my time although I am ticked I don’t know how long it took me to complete it. I like to know so when I do it again, I have a time to beat.

While I was in this funk, or whatever, I thought about what it would be like to quit. Like actually quit going to the gym. That in itself is a terrible thought. Thinking about it now puts knots in my stomach. Realistically I know I won’t quit, but I thought at the time is it worth all the frustration and struggle? The answer is – yes. It’s completely worth all of the modified workouts, tears, sweat, etc. I don’t ever want to end back up at over 500 pounds. Never. I know I’m not going to allow myself to eat myself to death. In talking to my sister about all of this, she suggested possibly going back to the basics and writing everything down that I eat and having accountability. Jake’s mentioned before about starting something like that at the gym. Getting a group together, meet once a week, and discuss not just nutrition but frustrations, what’s working, what isn’t, things like that. Basically, building a community of friends that you can tap in to in our journey. The name is Waist Management. Saturdays at 8 and then you can stay after and join in on the boot camp. If you live in OKC, you should come and check it out. I will tell you this – Public speaking has never been something I wanted to do, but if it’s helping others and also a help to myself, I’ll give it a shot. It’s not going to kill me, so why not? It’s just another tool to use in helping me lose weight. Speaking of that weight – I did it! After all this time of not getting the scale to move in the downward position, it finally did this week. I stepped on the scale yesterday afternoon and it started at 399 but stopped at 400. Woo Hoo! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I didn’t mention it to anyone for fear it was a fluke but this morning when I got on there, it was 400 even. I have finally made it past the 402+. Now to keep up the momentum and get the rest of this weight off.

Even though you can get discouraged, frustrated, angry, whatever – stick with it. You are worth it and it’s not going to be that way forever. You are more than a conqueror.

Also – I had my 6 month diabetic appointment and let me tell you this sports fans….I have managed to lower my A1C number again! In March of 2013 it was 6.8 and it has gone down a little each time. Last week – my number is at 5.3! Woot, woot. My cholesterol is still perfect and every other test ran was awesome too. That right there is another reason to keep at it.

Have a great day! Talk to you soon.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

365 days. One year of time. A lot can happen in that one year…those 365 days. For me, the past 365 days have been life changing. I’ve said it before, but October 21, 2013 is one of my all time favorite dates. It was the first day of my very first workout. I’ve written about it before, but I still vividly remember how absolutely scared I was walking into the gym that day. I really didn’t have a plan or a thought about how long I was going to do this or any expectations. I made it through that day and have made it through every day since then. Some days have been filled with tears of frustration, while others have held tears of joy and excitement. It’s been an interesting journey thus far. I’ve learned that I love working out. I never in my life thought my name would ever been associated with fitness. Now, I do it everyday. (well except Sunday) It’s become a part of my life and a year ago I couldn’t imagine doing it, now I can’t imagine not doing it. This past month or so has been tough because I let doubt creep in and old thoughts/habits. I was losing the battle or actually thought about giving up because I wasn’t worth all the sacrifice and hard work. I know I am worthy. It’s a day to day process. Sometimes hour by hour. I’m undoing  a lifetime of bad decisions and poor planning. I didn’t think on October 21, 2013 that on today, exactly one year later, I would be 112lbs lighter. Yes, I still have a road ahead of me, but I know today that I will accomplish those goals. I have 180lbs to go and I know with continued hard work, I am going to reach that goal.

So what’s happened in a year’s time? I’ve made some amazing friends, learned how strong I am (mentally & physically), cried more than I thought possible, continued to laugh through some of those tears, realized fears and tried to put them to rest. I’ve discovered that even though I’m not perfect (shocker!) I have the grace of God and no matter what, that will never change. I’ve lost and gained, and lost again. This is a life change. I hope to help others who have a weight problem and help them realize how wonderful they are despite carrying some extra pounds.

Jake said yesterday “weight is not an issue.” It doesn’t look like much when I type it out, but it was like a cannon going off in my mind. It isn’t an issue. I make it one by allowing it to limit what I do and don’t do. Yes I have extra weight but that’s not who I am. I saw a quote the other day. It said “You are not fat. You have fat. You have fingernails, you are not fingernails.” There is a difference. For so long I’ve always identified as being fat. ‘The fat one’, the ‘quiet’ one…I’m finally realizing that’s not who I am. It’s just something that I have. It’s taken a year for that to finally sink in, but it’s registering.

It’s definitely been quite a year. Thanks to my awesome cheerleaders, family, and friends. Thanks for reading my many posts about losing weight and continually encouraging me along the way. Your support is so appreciated.

Thanks to Jake for taking that chance on me a year ago. He gave me an opportunity to change my life and is always teaching me to value myself. He and Nicole have become family and I just can’t thank them enough for the difference they have made in my life.

I’m excited to see what the next 365 days hold.

Dear food,

I’m breaking up with you. I’d like to say it’s not you, it’s me, but that isn’t the case. I’ve been in a destructive relationship with you for as long as I can remember and I’m done. Over. I’ve listened to your lies for the last time. You have promises of making me feel better, this time it will be better, but we both know that’s crap. I’ve allowed you to disrupt my life for the last time. I thought there was a time when I could trust you and I was wrong. I think you meant well, but I can’t trust myself around you. You are toxic. Honestly, you aren’t 100% toxic, but you definitely have some friends that I cannot be around. You know who they are – Gravy, Bread, Chips, etc. I guess I can’t put all the blame on you. I have to take responsibility for my part in this abusive pattern. I put too much faith or hope in the fact that this time will be different. This time I won’t look to you to make me feel better. This time I can resist your ‘charm’. Most of the time I am successful but this past week, I failed. In epic proportions. I know we go way back to when I was younger. You’ve been my ‘friend’ my entire life. 40 years is a long time to be with something. If it’s good, more power to you. If it’s bad, 40 years is a life sentence without the possibility of parole. I have hidden myself behind you for so long, I don’t even recognize myself. However, I was given a life line about 9 months ago. I started to see myself outside of your shadow. I made friends with your healthy counterparts. Fresh Veggies, Chicken, Eggs, Water. We became fast friends and I really like them. They like me too. 🙂 Somehow you always seem to try and wiggle your way back into my life. There are times when I can resist you like no one’s business. Other times, such as this week, I almost come running back. Is it because I’m not worth it? It has been a rough couple of weeks and instead of listening to your good friends, I jumped head first into the gravy boat. I know they say one unhealthy meal won’t make you fat just like one healthy meal won’t make you fit, but I found myself dipping into the toxic pool on more than one occassion this week. I know I’m better than to let you talk me into bad situations. I’m worth more than what your gravy has to offer. I want to live a better life and I can’t do that with you around.

So the next time you try and sneak into my life I’ll be ready. I’ll remember this week and how I gained 4 pounds hanging around with you. I’ll remember the goals I have for myself and turn my back when you flaunt crap in my face. I’ll remember the disappointment I feel today because I let myself be swayed by emotions instead of going in the other direction. I’m taking away any power I have given you in the past and I’m going to give that power to myself and know that I am worth all of the good that is going on in my life. I know I’m not a number on a scale and as hard as that is to believe that right this very minute, there are better days ahead. I’m going to conquer you and not believe the lies. I’m done listening to you. Instead I’m going to listen to God and what He says about me. I’m going to listen to my family and friends. More importantly I’m going to listen to myself and know that I am a person of extreme value and significance.

Good bye crappy food and bad decisions.

Yours truly,

Sara

Discrimination. It’s out there. In all forms. Whether it’s discrimination due to race, gender, height, social standing, etc. it exists. The discrimination I’m writing about is discrimination against fat people. You know it’s the widest accepted form of discrimination in the world. Fat jokes are rampant and everyone has one, heard one, told one, etc. I’m guilty of it myself. I’ve told many fat jokes in my day. It doesn’t make it any better or give me a pass since I am fat. The reason I’m bringing this up is this…the other night I was at the grocery store late at night picking up sausage biscuits and toaster strudel for my grandmother’s breakfast the next morning. (that lady does NOT eat right.) It’s late enough that the store crew is there stocking shelves. Everything is pulled out in the aisles and you’re trying to dodge them while making your way to your designated areas. Anyway, there is a group of guys working at the end of one of the aisles and I dread walking through them. Yes I’ve lost a bunch of weight, but I’m still overweight. I muster courage I don’t really have and walk with my head high through the group. I’m always polite and say excuse me, smile, all that good stuff. I walk through them and one of them says, “Man that’s one big mama right there.” And they all laugh or make comments. I am immediately on the defensive and turn around and glare at them. Dicks. In the flash of a comment I immediately felt less than. I allowed these jerks to make me feel like I’m just a walrus walking through the store. It’s not the first time nor will it probably be the last that someone makes a comment like that regarding my weight. They don’t know how much hard work I’ve put in these past 8 months to lose the weight I have or what I’ve changed in my life to get to where I am or continue to where I want to be. All they see is someone who is overweight. Someone they can make a comment about and get a laugh. They don’t see someone’s daughter, sister, Aunt, friend. A person. Someone with feelings that can hear what they said. They just saw the weight I’m carrying. I know at 40 I shouldn’t let stuff like that bother me. But it still does. It still hurts my feelings. Eventhough I know the work I’ve done to get rid of this weight, I can let some dumb comment make me feel like I haven’t done anything, or enough. Growing up, I was teased like you wouldn’t believe. (or maybe you would.) Not only was I teased for being oveweight, I’m also tall. You name it, I’ve probably heard it. All throughout school and clear into high school I was made fun of for being fat. As an adult I still get made fun of and I think mean kids just grow up to be mean adults. I guess the point to this post is this…be mindful the next time you laugh at a comment, make a comment, etc of the person that you are talking about. You might not know them but they are someone’s loved one and they have feelings just like you. I’ll try and remember that as well. 🙂

Discouraged. I went shopping yesterday. To a store that I haven’t been able to shop at in I don’t know how many years. I was sent a gift card by an anonymous friend. I have a decent idea of who sent it, but that’s not really the point. The point is, I have money to spend and the coupon that came with the card expired yesterday so I had to use it. I had high hopes of finding something cute to wear on this shrinking body of mine. The longer I was in the store though, the more discouraged I became. I pick out size 28 in a couple pants and shirts. I said to my mom and sister that I’m sure none of this stuff is going to fit. They were great cheerleaders and said I might be surprised. I make my way to the fitting room and wouldn’t you know it, I could get the clothes on. They all looked better on the hanger than on me, but I could get them on and I was surprised. The shirts were too short and my stomach peeked out below. One of the pants I couldn’t button and my calves made the other pair look weird. That’s where my discouraged thinking came into play. I lost sight of the fact that I could actually walk in to that store and try on their clothes. What I soon saw was that I’m still too fat to be shopping there. This doesn’t look right, this short is too clingy, whatever. It brought me down. Quicker than I would like to admit. Here I am, 100 lbs lighter, and I’m shopping at a plus size store that isn’t Margie’s Tent Barn and all I can think about is, I’m too fat blah, blah, blah. You know what? I may not have been able to purchase those clothes yesterday, but I will soon enough and they are going to look smashing. That’s what I need to remember when things like that happen. I did however purchase 3 new bras and 3 pairs of panties. So THANK YOU to my secret friend(s). I couldn’t have done that without you. You were a big help.

Determination. I am so determined to get this weight off. I have goals to meet. The first one being my driver’s license weight by August 1st. I weighed in this morning at 395 so that means I have 6 lbs to lose this week…by Friday. Ha! I might not make it, but that’s what I’ll have in mind when all I can think about is a bacon cheeseburger and chocolate cake. (what’s that about anyway?!?!?!) I have 195 lbs to lose to make it to my overall goal of weighing 200. Ideally, according to my doctor, for my height I should weigh 180. I’ll think about that when I make it to 200. I am determined to succeed and reach my goals. Despite the comments I hear from people or the comments I hear from myself. Part of me definitely wants to lose all this weight just to show them up. More importantly, I want to lose all this weight to show myself that I can. To live the life I’ve always wanted. To not have weight be the first thought and every thought. That right there will make me the lightest girl in the world.

No matter where you are in your journey, if you’re even on one, don’t give up, don’t let negative comments get to you, and always know you are of value.  🙂

Happy Monday! Hope you all had a good weekend. I did. It was busy and that’s just the way I like it!  (although, there is something about when having  absolutely nothing to do.) I had a pretty good week last week. I started off at 410 and ended at 406. Down 4lbs. I took a progress photo at the gym on Saturday and that day I was at 405. I’ll take it. That means I am only 5lbs away from 100lb weight loss. I think I’ve already lost that much just because of where I started, but let’s just forget about that and go with the  ‘at the end of this week I’m shooting to be in the 300’s’. Woot, woot!!!

A couple of times last week I stayed after my regular workout and did the fat burning class. Whew! That is an intense workout, but I can definitely see where you would get results. The one Friday afternoon was 25 minutes straight without a rest in between exercises. Goodness. As exhausting as it was, I loved it. I actually like working out. Crazy I know. Especially coming from someone who never worked out. Ever. Sometimes I think, I wish I would have done this sooner, blah, blah, blah…but everything happens the way it is supposed to and maybe if I met Jake earlier, it might not have gone the way it is now. It doesn’t matter. I’m doing it and enjoying the entire process.

In one of the fat burning sessions, they had to balance their knees on a ball, do a push up, and then roll that ball into a knee tuck. I have no idea what it’s technically called but I just looked at it like a ball of “I’m not doing that.” The thinking behind it was that I was not going to embarrass myself in a room full of people if I should A. fall over B. not be able to do it or C. have the ball explode in a loud explosion because I’ve exceeded the weight limit. Jake changed it up to where I sit on it and do some kind of movement that looked like a laying down squat but my immediate question was “How much weight does that hold?” His normal answer is “I don’t know let’s try it out.” Most machines I’m willing. On a rubber ball, absolutely not. 🙂 Fast forward to Friday afternoon and I’m in the gym completely alone. On this rare occasion I decide to try some of the exercises I am either to chicken to try in front of others or stuff I just want to see if I can actually do. I decided to start with jumping rope. There are a lot of times that’s one of the stations in the workout and this girl has too much belly fat, jiggly insert whatever body part you want here to jump rope. So anyway, I pick out three different ropes and decide I’ll just see if I can even do one. Holy smokes party people. I find out quickly that both feet are not leaving the ground together, at the same time. Not happening. So I resort to old school, elementary jump roping where you have one foot in front of the other. Good Grief! I manage to get it over my head and land one foot on the rope and thought I had snapped both wrists. They both jerked back that I was a little worried I did some real damage to my left wrist. The good one! The ropes were quickly put away. Now I’m eyeballing the giant rubber ball and think, Okay, now I’m going to try to see if I can do the exercise from the previous day. I’m still to chicken and if you know me, I’m a little tall and that’s a long way down. So I test out my weight on it by sitting on it. I am literally a jumble of nerves because all I can think about is that this damn ball is going to explode and all that is going to be there when Jake comes in is rubber bits on the wall and pink mist. Did you ever see the Grey’s Anatomy episode where the live bomb was imbedded in someone and the bomb squad said sometimes all that is left of a person in an explosion is pink mist? I would be the pink mist in this scenario. I was cracking up! I mean I know this is pretty thick rubber, but all I can really think is that my weight is going to be too much and it’s going to end up in tatters. Hahahaha…It definitely makes for comedy relief. Needless to say, I stopped trying to see what else I might be able to do and stuck with my buddy the Arc Trainer. At least I know that supports my weight and I’m not in danger of tearing it up.

You know you should have laughter when you work out. Maybe not always, but it can break up the sameness (is that a word?) of the exercise, give you a break, and it’s just plain fun. Everyone needs some fun in their life right? So the next time there is an exercise that you can’t quite do or are too nervous to try in front of others and you have some alone time, try it out. If nothing else, you’ll get a good laugh. 🙂 Laughing at yourself is pretty therapeutic. Have a great week party people! Here’s to meeting your goal. I know I’m going to.

Man…what is it about the weekends that can completely derail all of the hard work that I accomplish through the week? Lose, eat like crap, gain…only to lose, eat like crap, gain. Do you know how impossibly frustrating it is to keep losing the same damn weight I have already lost? Not to mention that it probably feels like a smack in the face to my trainer. I would have already been to my next goal had I not gone back and forth, back and forth. Yo-yo. That’s a toy, not a successful way to lose weight. I was at 422, celebrated some birthdays a couple of weekends ago, weighed on Monday and I was at 426. Holy smokes. I felt sick. It still makes me feel ill thinking about it. By that Friday I was at 420. (No not that 420.) Only to celebrate Memorial Day with the entire weekend and when I weighed again on Tuesday, I was back to 422. Good grief! It might be different if I didn’t know what to do, but I know exactly what to do. I know what I should be eating to lose weight. Part of it is that I get burnt out on chicken and jump at the chance for a juicy hamburger. While hamburgers aren’t bad and I could eat one, I also pair it with baked beans, potato salad, a hot dog, and another hamburger patty. That’s what I ate in one night. Oh and did I forget to mention I had seconds on the beans and potato salad? I did. Then instead of eating the cupcake, I made a couple of s’mores. Not because it was any less fattening. Goodness. That was the weekend of the 4 pound weight gain. Last weekend it was chips and queso, cookies, brisket, cookies, alcohol, more cookies…I was a touch more mindful of what I was putting in my mouth, but not enough to skip the crap. I guess I don’t want to always have to think about what I’m eating. I want to have fun and eat like everyone else. Unfortunately, I’m not everyone else’s size. And I have a problem with food and wanting to eat it all. Especially the really bad for you crap that seems to taste really good at the time until you weigh and it’s not food. I know I’ll get there. I’ve done it before. I’m just tired of the up and down and losing the same pounds that I’ve already lost. Before. Maybe it’s ticked me off for the last time so this weekend when I start to put something crappy in my mouth I’ll remember all the sweat and hard work it takes to even lose just one pound. I’m not going to reach my goals if I keep going back and revisiting evicted weight.

Speaking of weight, what is really remarkable in this post and possibly others, is how free I am to mention what I weigh. I don’t mind telling people, you, what I weigh. I used to. It used to embarrass the shit out of me because I had allowed myself to get so big. Hot tears of humiliation anytime I stood on the scale. (Imagine that…me and tears! Ha) Now I know that I’m not staying at that number. I know it’s just a temporary stop on my way to an even smaller number. A number that I don’t ever really remember weighing. I know at one point on my way to bigtown I was that size. I just don’t remember. It seems like I’ve been really overweight my entire life. While that’s not okay, the important thing right now is to remember and know that I am not settling. I’m going to continue on towards my goal. Even with these past weekend set backs. I am going to be a success.

No more yo-yo for me. Unless it’s made by Duncan and I bought it at the store. 🙂