As of last Friday, May 30th, that was the number on the scale. Woo Hoo! Considering where I was at last year (over 500) I’ll take it. I can’t believe I’m only 18 pounds from the 300’s. It’s my plan within the next couple of weeks, to make that goal a reality. I had a pretty good weekend and made good food choices. I say it all the time, but I really hope there is a day when it won’t have to be a choice, it will just be an automatic thought. Food addiction is the pits. At times I’ve thought I would rather be addicted to alcohol than food. You don’t need alcohol to survive. Food, you do. Although any addiction is unhealthy and I don’t seriously want an alcohol addiction. I’ve seen what that can do to you and no thanks.

I mentioned to a friend yesterday that I feel like I’m a control nut because I don’t have any control over food. It was said that I seem to have a control over food but I think mostly it’s a good front. Well, not all the time. There are days even entire weeks where I have good or even great control, other times, not so much. I was at a cook out on Saturday and it was a little intimidating because A. it was at my trainer’s house, and B. it was at my trainer’s house. Ha. 🙂 I was fine and had a really nice time (I just adore the people that were there) but I was super aware of what and how much I put on my plate. He even asked if I was going to have any more and I don’t care if I was so hungry I could eat the table, there wasn’t any way I was going back for seconds. It was all really good food and pretty much healthy (except for chips and cookies which I stayed away from…) so I didn’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t let it ruin the good time I had and that is a success in my book. Next time, bring a chair. I’m still too self conscious to sit in the folding chair that was offered. I kept thinking, the legs will sink into the ground, what if it breaks, what if…blah, blah, blah. It will definitely be nice when my weight doesn’t rule 95% of my thinking. When it isn’t something I think about when my feelings get hurt and I want to feel better. That one is actually happening a little less these days. Another success. You know, it might always be something I have to deal with, but it won’t rule how I live. As I learn how to do things differently, it’s going to be easier.

So…how’s that for a rambling post? 🙂 Here’s to reaching 418 and here’s to watching it go away forever. I hope you have a good great week and whatever your struggles may you find the sunshine and be blessed.

Gym noises.

There are common noises in every gym. The sound of weights being used, people talking, the whir of the machines, running on treadmills, possibly even music, etc. What gets me every time is the dreaded fat slaps. My fat slaps to be exact. They haven’t made their presence known for a long time but decided they had been in hiding long enough. They made an appearance on Friday afternoon. I was politely sitting on the bench, pulling down weights, when those uninvited guests showed up. The chicken fat on my arms. You know the part that waves on it’s own when you move your arms. Yeah, there it was saying Hello, I’m back. Ha! In the beginning of this journey I would have died of humiliation (and sort of did). Now I laugh it off, make jokes,  and still sort of die from humiliation. It is embarrassing and I do not like it one bit,  but it’s going to be a part of this until it isn’t and that chicken fat is a thing of the past. It’s slowly going away and while I wish it would disappear overnight, I know it’s going to take some time. Patience. I keep reminding myself it’s not always going to be there and even now it’s getting a little less. I’m noticing that while it’s still squishy, it’s not as squishy as it was this time last year. It’s a little more firm than before. That’s a great thing.

Being able to laugh at yourself and find humor in embarrassing situations is key. Especially when working out. Funny things are going to happen. Whether it’s your fat slapping together or almost falling backwards from kettle bell swings (that happened too), it’s part of life. So when those lovely fat slaps return, and I’m sure they will, I’ll laugh it off and know that one day they will not crash the party.

Cheaters never win.

We learn this growing up…cheaters never win. In losing weight people say “Oh it’s okay to have a cheat day.” Meaning that you can eat ‘forbidden’ foods and all will be okay. This is not the case. At least not for me. I had such a day on Saturday. I was in Prague at the Kolache Festival taking pictures and I gave in and ate an extra long corn dog AND Indian taco. At the same time. My sister and I jokingly said “go big or go home.” I should have gone home.  🙂 Seriously what I should have done was possibly pick either/or, not both. Or better yet, I should have brought my own snacks and lunch from home. I topped off that day by eating dessert on Sunday at a family dinner. (not just one dessert, but several) I don’t really know what gets into my head. I actually just saw a quote on Facebook that read

“Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.” Zig Zigler

That can get the best of us. We I think that one little something isn’t going to hurt or I listen to someone else say, “You’ve been working out so hard. You deserve a break.” I’m working out so hard because I have specific goals that I want to reach by a specific date. These goals do not involve eating corn dogs, Indian tacos, chocolate cake, and whatever that delicious thing was that Lauren made. Chocolate something. This cheat weekend cost me three pounds. THREE POUNDS! Do you have any idea how hard you have to work out to lose one pound? And I went and gained three. I know it will come off. Looking back though, that food wasn’t that good. Not as good as losing weight feels. I used to laugh at that phrase. “It doesn’t taste as good as skinny feels.” I’m no where near skinny, but losing weight definitely feels much better than eating a damn taco.

I’m back on track with eating this week and I have faith the scale will reflect that on Friday. I just need to remember this the next time I give in to the nagging voice in my head or listen to someone else tell me it’s alright to have ___________. Cheating definitely didn’t make me a winner this weekend. Cheaters never win.

No Doubt.

I have been filled with doubt this week. Every.single.day. My attitude was crappy to put it nicely. I’ve felt off and just didn’t quite know how to get myself out of whatever it was that was plaguing me at the time. I thought that working out by myself wasn’t going to really get any results, even though I was following the routine Jake had written out the previous week. I know at times you never really work out as hard as you do when you have someone there telling you what to do. I’ve made it a point to work out as though he’s there or tried to and it’s paid off. I lost 6 pounds this week! That makes 20 pounds in four weeks and 54 pounds since October 2013. I have 6 months to accomplish my goal of 100 pounds in a year and if I keep it up, I am going to make this goal.

I don’t know why I get so filled with doubt? I have an army of people believing in me, whether in person or online. I’m amazing myself by sticking with it and continuing to eat healthier and work out. Even when I don’t feel that confident that what I’m doing is going to work. Each time, I prove myself wrong. I called Kristi this morning to share in the good news and to thank her. She’s the one that started all of this and she deflected saying she just took a call and I did it by getting out of my car. I may have gotten out of my car, but I have a handful of God given people that have made it possible to be where I am on this day. And for that I should never doubt I’m exactly where I need to be. I hope my angels know how much they are loved by me and how much I truly appreciate all of the time and effort that has been given. That is something to never doubt.

Attitude is everything.

Attitude can make or break you. It is definitely a part of your workout. If you don’t believe me, try working out when you just don’t feel like it or your head isn’t in it. It’s almost impossible. It can be done but it’s almost like doing it through mud or quikcrete. (Did I spell that right? anyway…) Well my attitude this week has been less than stellar. I’ve worked out everyday like always but for some reason or another, my attitude hasn’t been there. At times it has downright sucked!  And I’m letting everything get on my nerves. I was talking to my cheering section at work today and when I say things out loud I feel or sound like a child. I’m going through the motions of working out but I feel like something’s missing. Like I’m missing out on something but I can’t quite pin down what I am missing out on. It’s silly really, I think, and I’m sure I’ll get over whatever it is. I need to not get so caught up in my head and just go with the flow. I know I’m restless about situations in my life and maybe that is part of what’s off. Everything takes time and I’ve been rather impatient lately. Take the class on Wednesday morning. I was so frustrated that I almost, for a split second, thought about not doing it anymore and just go back to working out on the arc trainer. The reason –  it seemed like almost all of the exercises had to be modified for me. Realistically it was really only 3, but I was so mad at myself, and a little embarrassed to be honest, that I couldn’t do them like everyone else. That’s crazy. What I should have been thinking was ‘Holy crap! Look what I can do.’ Stuff that I couldn’t or wouldn’t even begin to try much less do 6 months ago. I suppose part of it is I still feel like this remedial kid trying to play with Rhodes Scholars. (Nothing wrong with remedial)

I need to quit worrying about not being on the level of everyone around me and concentrate on where I’m at today. Because this time last year? I was holding down the couch instead of working out in a gym. I’ve lost a bunch of weight, I’m moving better, I’m breathing better, and I’m just living better. So snap out of it! Right??? Also…if you’ve been on the receiving end of my crappy attitude this week, consider this my blanket apology. I’m not usually such an ass.

In a funk.

How do you work out when you’re in a funk? I guess you just do it. There isn’t a magic anything to get you through it and yesterday and today I have been in a funk when I’m at the gym. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working out alone (Dullsville!) or what it is. It hasn’t been fun like normal. Am I burning myself out by the two a days plus Saturday or just a mood that will go away? I’m sure it’s just a mood because I don’t feel like quitting – I have big goals to achieve. I have a set routine in the afternoons that I do now so I know what to do. I think the only answer is, you just keep going until the mood lifts.

What other choice is there when quitting is not an option?

Success and a new challenge.

Wooo Hooo! Last week I lost another 6 pounds. Well, technically I lost it in 4 days. From Monday – Thursday. Eventhough one of those pounds I picked back up from the previous week. That week I lost 6 also. And in that 6 pounds, 4 were from the previous two weeks. So it’s not always a winning week. I actually should re-phrase that statement. It’s always a winning week in the fact that I keep showing up to workout, but it’s not always a weight loss week. For whatever reason. Take last week for example. I weighed on Monday morning (which I don’t like to do) and I was up a pound from that Friday. WTH? I made some really good (tough) choices over the weekend and couldn’t believe what the scale was telling me. I’m getting better at not letting that number get me down. It used to almost undo me. I think now I know that it will come off. I’m by no means happy about it, but I’m in a better frame of mind now and know I work hard so it will go down again. Which, like I said earlier,  was the case 4 days later. You just have to know you’re worth it (something I’m working on!) and remember why you’re doing all of this in the first place.

Now for the new challenge. To be in the 300’s by May 1st. Yep. It’s a big one and it might be a tad out of reach, but I’m going to try like hell to make it happen. That’s 38 pounds I have to lose. I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning and my weekly goal has been to lose 8 pounds. Again, that might be lofty, but it keeps my eye on the prize and motivated. So when Nana keeps offering me her french fries, I decline and let her know, again, that I have a goal I’m trying to get to and no thank you. Can I tell you, I love Braum’s french fries. Goodness. But not as much as I love losing weight.

Speaking of french fries and such…the other day I was asked to bring Johnnie’s home for dinner. If you live in OK you know how tasty Johnnie’s can be and what a treat. For them. Not me. The entire way home I was pissed! My car smelled of nothing but onion rings and it really just made me angry. I was kind of surprised at how mad it made me. What torture to drive 20-30 minutes home surrounded by the smell of onion rings and knowing none of them are for you. I survived and made my chicken and veggies when I got home. Also, next time I’m asked, I’ll have to decline and tell them I would be happy to pick up fixings for a salad!

Here’s to continued weight loss and working towards goals. I cannot wait to see what I look like at the end of this year.

Stay the course.

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. Stay the course.

It’s hard, this weight loss journey. It’s not just losing weight, it’s learning an entirely new lifestyle. It’s learning how to be satisfied with eating good food when all you want to do is eat the crappy stuff. It’s also knowing that no matter what the scale shows, you are making progress. Take this weekend for example. I made some really good choices. I lost 6 pounds last week! That’s awesome. Now while I would normally ‘celebrate’ by having a bacon cheeseburger, I decided I would stay on track and see what I can really do the following week. So I ate healthy and just kept reminding myself this is all worth it. I was fine with that. I didn’t have lunch plans on Saturday with my nephew and the restaurant of his choosing was Olive Garden. I had a plan in mind – no breadsticks, no big pile of pasta, eat sensibly but still enjoy myself. I accomplished that. I passed up the breadsticks and only ate a few of the croutons on my salad. I did have a side portion of pasta, but thought I was on track. I even skipped the mashed potatoes at dinner that night.

We had a family brunch yesterday and I rocked it! There was homemade cinnamon bread, biscuits and gravy, and cheesy potatoes. I didn’t have any of it. Not even a nibble. I was so amazed/proud of myself. Especially on not eating the potatoes. Goodness. They are quite something but I had in mind that they don’t taste as good as losing weight. Okay, so later in the day my nephew and I went to the movies. I ordered a medium diet drink instead of the large I would normally order. We also had popcorn but I only had a little bit of it. Again, nothing like what I would normally eat. Dinner was brunch leftovers and I skipped all the stuff I mentioned earlier. So why after making better choices was I a pound up this morning when I weighed? Sure it could be the water I consumed after working out. It could be the pasta I ate on Saturday or the the popcorn on Sunday. I don’t really know what it is but I do know I’m trying to not let it bother me. I’m feeling kind of crappy today so maybe that’s why it’s getting to me more than it should. I don’t ever want to be okay with gaining a pound or more, but I also don’t want it to defeat me. I know it will come off. I know it will.

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t give up. Stay the course.

To cruise or not to cruise…

I was offered a cruise. A free one. All I had to have was spending cash. It would stop in Jamaica, Grand Caymans, and Mexico. I couldn’t believe it. It all came about the day before my birthday, last week. I received a facebook message from a friend of mine asking for my number because she had an exciting and spontaneous question to ask me. Number was given and I received one of the most unexpected calls of my life. The friends had been following my weight loss journey on facebook and were so inspired that it was leading them to eat better. Not only were they inspired, they wanted to say ‘thank you’ with a free, 7 day cruise to Jamaica. I really couldn’t believe it. I was stunned to say the least. Immediately I thought of “i’m going to miss working out! but think of all the things I can photograph”. I agreed to go and even put in for the time off at work. (I rarely use my vacation time) I was definitely caught up in the excitement and unexpectedness of it all. I told work friends, personal friends, and family. Everyone was shocked and excited. I was too but also worried about being away from the gym for 7 whole days. I pushed that thought aside and started thinking about what sort of clothes I had that I could take. (not much)

My thoughts were cruise consumed. Cruising, working out, not over eating, etc. When I first told Jake he said he could come up with a program for me to follow at sea. Whew! I didn’t want to impose but that made me feel a little bit better. A couple of days later I was talking to him again about some stuff and the cruise and he told me he didn’t have a good feeling about this trip. Not like anything ominous was going to happen, just that I have this momentum going at the gym right now because for the first time since I started, all my injuries are healed and I am working out harder. I didn’t come right out and say it but I was nervous too. Gaining weight when you’re trying to lose is devastating. At least for me. I kept telling myself that I didn’t think I would overeat on the ship, but come on people. You’re at sea for 7 days and you have access to food whenever you want. Of course I have that here at home too but I think the difference for me is I wouldn’t have the accountability that I have here and at home I’m doing the cooking and cleaning. No bueno. Anyway, we talked a little more and I was going to pray and see if this is what I should be doing or not at this point in my life. I talked to Kristi about it and she agreed with Jake. Let me tell you guys, it was a rough night and day before I made my final decision. One mistake was asking everyone’s opinion. Everyone’s! Half over here said wait, don’t go now. The other half said I would be crazy if I didn’t. If you don’t know anything about me you should know I’m a people pleaser. I didn’t/don’t want to let anyone down. I felt like whatever decision I made would piss someone off. So the following day I spoke to Jake again, or more like bawled (again!) in his office while he listened. I didn’t and don’t feel like I should be going on this trip. While it is an incredibly generous and thoughtful thing to have offered, it’s not my time to go right now. I think I would have a much better experience if I were to go at a smaller size and when I’m in a better mindset about food. (whenever that happens.)

Can I tell you that once I made that decision, I was at peace with it. I was nervous telling my friends, who consequently, aren’t speaking to me right now. I get it. Sort of. I understand the hurt but would hope they would be encouraging about staying behind to continue this healthy journey of my life. It’s okay. I don’t regret the decision I made. It was the best one for me and as long as I am okay with it, that’s really all that matters.

Moving right along.

Week 11 of training

January 7, 2014

 Goodness! I have made it over two months. I have done more in the past two months than I’ve ever done in my whole life. I am now laying flat to do sit ups, I have fewer breaks in between exercises and guess what party people? I am now exercising on the Arc Trainer. (elliptical) Was it about 3 or 4 weeks ago when I could barely do one minute on it without passing out? Now I regularly work out for 20 plus minutes at a time and the longest I’ve been on there was a solid hour. I could NOT believe it. The intensity has definitely increased. Now it’s not just about getting on there and moving. Now it’s about increasing how much I move. To the point that my legs want to revolt, and I sometimes think about throwing up. Thankfully it’s only been a thought and not a reality. How embarrassing would that be to vomit in the gym? Although I hear it’s a common occurrence, I don’t want to mark that one off the embarrassment list. I already have arm fat flapping (still) and the occasional leg fat slap, followed by the raising of my shirt to continue with my belly fat playing peek-a-boo. I certainly don’t want to add puking. No thanks!

I am still continually amazed that I show up each day. I’ve tried to pinpoint why I do and come up short. I spoke to Jake about it the other day and he said it’s Faith. It’s faith in doing the right thing and seeing where I’m actually headed. I am overjoyed with how far I’ve come in two months. I’ve lost weight and changed my mental status. No it isn’t all moonlight and roses, but it’s so much better from where I started. Looking back on the past two months and I can see ups and downs, but really mostly ups. I did okay on eating at Thanksgiving, but slipped a little at Christmas. The scale wasn’t really my friend then, but I got back on track and lost the weight plus some. The scale has never really been a good friend of mine and this time around it’s okay. I’m trying to learn to not get so wrapped up in the number that it reads and just know that I am making changes and it’s not going to happen overnight. I have come a long way. It shows in my face, in my clothes, and in my general attitude. I am blessed. So very, very much.

 4 months of training

February 27, 2014

 So I have been training for 4 months! Wow. I still can’t believe it and can’t believe that I still like it. I have now incorporated two a days. I go early in the morning and still at 4p.m. I normally arrive anywhere from 5a.m. – 5:15a.m. I’m only there for 30 minutes but I figure I need all the help I can get. I started officially going in the morning on February 14th. I was busy on the Arc Trainer when Jake suggested I join the class he was about to teach. I really have no idea what possesses me to do the things I do, but I joined in anyway. Let me tell you this party people, I did sit ups and push ups from the floor! Me, on the floor, doing push ups and sit ups. It was quite the accomplishment. The gist of the class was to do as many rounds as possible in 10 minutes. In the beginning I was trying to compare myself to where everyone else was at, but then thought, WHY? I’m not on their level and I need to do the best that I can do. I managed to do three rounds. Squats, lifting weights, push ups, and sit ups. Yay me! Of course my knees were complete crap the rest of the day, but that’s just because they have so much riding on them.

In these past 4 months, my training has steadily increased. There isn’t as much rest time in between exercises and the weight amounts have definitely increased. I have also managed to lose 30 pounds! I started off weighing 484 and made it to 454. Although this past week was a bit of a mess for me and I’ve managed to pick up 4 pounds. I was pretty much in the mind set that since I’m working out twice a day I can eat a little more, or a lot, than I should. That is not the case. Maybe one day when I’m where I want to be with my weight, but I’m not there yet. I have struggled recently with feeling powerless over food. If you want to know the face of a food addict, look at me.